Hey. Its our shit money week so we might not be posting much. At the moment though we have a crumb left and our diazepam. The doctor said we obviously weren't abusing it we obviously failed to mention we neck what they give us evey two months in a couple of days..
We can tell by the way we are cooking and cleaning a bit more that we are growing. We have a bit more space to breath. We don't go to bed or open eyes in the morning telling ourselves that something could happen the next day there would be contact or something huge on the news that meant the networks really were permanently fucked. We had to but we dont bother so much now. We hold onto the feeling though when we can, the anything is possible in a good way hope but its a struggle. They were hitting us very hard for many years the cynicism needed to survive that doesn't leave it needs to be pushed out.
We hate it. Its what they wanted, one of their longterm objectives that they would damage us enough to kill belief we would get far away from them all and like so much else went unchallenged a lot of the time. How could we stay positive when we knew that if we didn't die, didn't end up locked up for full time rape then this what we now was the best future possible. It was designed to stop us form having much fight in the preceding years so we would end up dead or worse. We had our selective amnesia though and the friends and parts saying we wouldn't be left there by everyone for forever. That this now was the beginning of our life not the end.
We have been so broken though Dad by all the times they got our flesh, what they do to children and babies how it matter who promised it wouldn't happen again, it always would. As soon as we felt any strength to smile god forbid parent, to vaguely function the worst would start up again. Physically we have been very ruined by all that rape and pregnancies it meant we barely even heard people when they repeated or accused us of the horrific bullshit we were fighting against. Not that we don't hurt over all the opportunities lost from words or simply just the moments lost to feeling horrible because of it. They often have their people making accusations against victims that are the same abuses that the victim is surviving. The whole psychological, triggering side as well as the isolating and making survivors seem untrustworthy is a constant aspect to it all. There is some are very clever and creative thought when planning, arranging and coming up with stories depending on who is doing the scheming of course.
The only way to stay alive is to let go adults that say they are helping us when they obviously arnt and focus on our internal world only we knew how we could survive it. How they get absolutely everyone we have ever trusted even vaguely to have absolutely nothing to do with us unless ordered otherwise we don't know but its how we know to stay alive we need call on us not anyone out there. Of course peoples love and training are what made us to and we will always have that.
We have a couple of months before there will be another call about getting us into work. Being around people is very stressful we just start dissociating.
We could come up with our own therapy schedule or least good parts of it but it seems like a heartbreaking waste of time without the resources to put it into place. There are moments when we think about jotting down ideas for good habits to get into. We would like to have something we went to no more talking therapy for a while after the last one but something creative, using our hands. Everything involves travel on public transport alone and whatever we attend we will find the other people triggering, too triggering especially since we will have to find our way home alone afterwards.
We are not doing that denial anymore, blanking our reality so we could feel like it was possible that we could find someone or something to lean on or could just be fun that wouldn't land us back in the mud. Anything that might be out there that could help is not an option at the moment because we would have to travel through Fife to get to it on pain stimulating anxiety inducing public transport. In Fife, Scotland where they keep us down between "assignments", punishments and clients.. Too fucking much on my own. All of it too fucking physically painful and too fucking triggering.
Can't get away from the 'every point of contact thing' there is so little out here that might be good for us and of course the surveillance and the violent control getting to anyone and everything we came into contact with was never that challenging and we don't feel up for testing to see if its still in place as it was, by our self.
Making our shelter here more comfortable isn't being resisted like it was little bits at a time, remembering to stop before any tantrums start up. You will some of them - its not good enough, things will never be fair and others triggered from doing house work when so little.
The wee General was impressed with the kitchen and said its was beautiful. We were chuffed.
I'm not even sure if he is fed and hugged Dad or if he is fed and hugged but then handed over to baby rapists who think they will have him for decades like they have the rest of his family.
Its not over. Some people would say that but its also something that people just say, as if some invisible force is going to come down and bring all to justice but it is over for seeing him today and yesterday and many many more people and possibilities.
We dream of watching fire burn down old grand old buildings, feeling relieved. Feeling new