Keep looking at the stars and hoping
Little Prince was quite wonderful. Might have to force the dude to watch it with me next time, watched Kubo again with him today and enjoyed it again. Did pay a little more attention to the names in the credits this time and beyond George Takai couldn't spot any that looked even vaguely Asian and that bugged. Did remind us of a phone call in Dundee and making a joke about anyone who has even been on holiday East of Africa not being barred from the studio. We miss parts being front and center that aren't English speakers and we miss they people they talked to. Its why we are kept isolated the less people we speak to, the less of us can communicate internally or externally amongst ourselves. The cannbinoids couldn't allow us to switch languages and cultures that takes prior scheduling, big changes in environment or serious need but it does give us a much wider sense of who we are and where we have been and it's not going to stop being heartbreaking trapped in a dark corner of our own self. We never going to stop yearning and needing all of us and all our cultures.
Its something though to be in a place where we can actually feel some positivity about the future and a new year without bullshitting ourself. Not that we can just start miraculously recovering but genuine possibility of less harm and constant retraumatising is a real possibility. Physical health wise we trying to accept that we are not going to be able to do as much walking as we wish we could. The bladder problems, the uterus issues are not going to get better and neither are our hands but walking won't bother them at least although house work will but we have much less to tidy and keep vaguely hygienic, haven't stopped feeling grateful for that.
Mentally we know what happens when you get some distance between yourself and the places and people that you associate with horror - you remember more of the horror.. It wasn't so long ago that that felt unsurvivable on our own and we are dreading it but not stupefied by knowing its likely on the way. Some cannabis sometimes (yes we are going to keep mentioning it) would make so much difference to how badly and for how long we are floored by it.
Don't know if this will be the last post of 2018. Maybe, either way happy new year us, your doing great. May 2019 bring real positive changes without us taking major risks, exhausting, triggering or otherwise crippling ourself to make it happen.
Its something though to be in a place where we can actually feel some positivity about the future and a new year without bullshitting ourself. Not that we can just start miraculously recovering but genuine possibility of less harm and constant retraumatising is a real possibility. Physical health wise we trying to accept that we are not going to be able to do as much walking as we wish we could. The bladder problems, the uterus issues are not going to get better and neither are our hands but walking won't bother them at least although house work will but we have much less to tidy and keep vaguely hygienic, haven't stopped feeling grateful for that.
Mentally we know what happens when you get some distance between yourself and the places and people that you associate with horror - you remember more of the horror.. It wasn't so long ago that that felt unsurvivable on our own and we are dreading it but not stupefied by knowing its likely on the way. Some cannabis sometimes (yes we are going to keep mentioning it) would make so much difference to how badly and for how long we are floored by it.
Don't know if this will be the last post of 2018. Maybe, either way happy new year us, your doing great. May 2019 bring real positive changes without us taking major risks, exhausting, triggering or otherwise crippling ourself to make it happen.
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| 3 Christmas cards. From our new neighbours. |
