..dear reader..

Active enough on Friday and Saturday for our legs to be all shaky today. Its been good though, hair cut, had soup in a really cute place that we Pablo liked to, drooling at some of the old town houses, paddling in the freezing cold sea (cold enough to resolve the issue of not having peed in twenty minutes, we'll be going deeper then to mask our shame, at least the water is temporarily warmer), Pablo said something about being the one who didn't want to go to the beach but was now having the most fun, feeling like we are on holiday then coming home to our own beds, no plummeting agonising post been somewhere else come down.  We are here. Well some of us anyway and the rest of are of course technically here because I am where they live and what they are but its not like we could will understanding other languages or know who to phone and what to threaten them with to sort out our electricity bill, our isolation, our health care.. Plants had no chance of getting fed today but...

Actual warmth, pure blue skies. Wondrous. We were indeed able to go for a walk in the actual morning. Forgot how exhausting walking in sand is. So glad though. No sea shots though as we had to leave the phone on the charge. Very proud of our little field of dwarf stock. first rose flower The birds keep standing on her head and knocking her over. Will take one or both her sisters out, got used to being indoors with me though. Livingstone daisies are out! The ones that survived the slugs and snails anyway.

Can't keep waiting to not be in pain anymore to do stuff. Going to have to make a little more effort without overdoing it espically after big stretches of doing very little. Did well today. Out and about on the hunt for a hairdresser because none seem to answer their phones or are open when we try and phone, got an appointment, also put self and son down on a waiting list for nearby dentists. Wouldn't need to wait if we went a bit further but its the dentist its unpleasant, triggering, painful don't need to be adding long walks or public transport onto that list of horridness. Wondered round antique shop, we do love antique shops, there is a lot of cool little places we wish we got round to using more close by and hopefully we will start to. The CPN was encouraging us to join one of the many groups that go on but don't feel there yet, will try and meet a commitment to ourself  first to go for a wander most days first. Its not just for the pain levels we want to get s...

Kept ourself awake all night by trying to sort out our Microsoft accounts after being told we needed permission from an adult before we could spend less than two pound in a game. Made things worse then remembered right password for right log in and its cool now. Except for the multiple versions of our name on the log in screen.  Concentration bad but not so bad that any attempt at resolving issues IT or otherwise leads to instantly feeling overwhelmed, panicy and stuck in a agonising dissociated state. We know which one is the adult so can ignore the rest for now. Might put in a picture so we know for sure which is the right one and can maybe tidy up the rest..  There was too much 'Julia' and we do seemed to have fixed that. It gets annoying not being certain about your name the only thing we are confident about is that our 'legal name' isn't it. Did some tiding and cleaning. Tomorrow we hope to hoover. At least then we can be in pain somewhere clean and tidy ins...

Another non starter of a weekend. Did finish reading smoke and bone though and waded through some more Netflix series. Zone Blanche ended with me gagging for more. Creepy and charming is not often well achieved but this was. Thought her finding the Roman sword so easily was a bit dubious but forgivable. Cant hate themes around environmental protection even with the celtic ritual sacrifice. Once that was devoured we gave a BBC thing a go and got through the first series of Unforgotten unharmed but a bit irritated but had to ditch the second because of children being trafficked to parties with rich people to be abused. Glad to see were strong enough to give something with that black and white BBC rectangle a go without being made much iller. We turned off shaking our head and with a sigh rather than the previous revulsion, fury and terror that made it physically and emotionally unbearable so we would be too dissociated to turn off the BBC continuing to recycle its victims experiences ...

An actual keyboard, being able to see sentences whole paragraphs even at a time. How wonderful. Beautiful evening but pain levels at fuck this I hate you all and wish you were dead levels most of the day has us pretty reluctant to attempt walking. Getting annoyed at how much we need to tidy our room but cant/wont. Wont take long, maybe get a bit done tonight and the rest tomorrow. Maybe. Eon wont let us change supplier probably because we have so much debt with them. Didn't put ourself through menus, bots, queuing, on hold, very unhelpful human, followed by jumping out of our skin when the automated txt asks us how we would rate them. Slow clap Eon for making the lives of anxious and ill people even harder which of course makes it harder for anxious and ill people to pay you. So glad to have a touch screen and a keyboard and enough memory to have more than one object finding game installed. So far anyway. Stupid windows 10. Watered the rose today after the need for backy f...

Doing okay with taking the antidepressant and the pill but using the inhaler has gone to shit. Not clever especially when been varying nicotine sources. Weather looks great for tomorrow which is a relief as bucketing rain and a new psych to endure would be too much. At least its not too far. .. Wasnt too nervous the night before to sleepy and had a fair bit wine but this morning. Ug. Not full on, “I cant do this bad” more like “I really really dont want to.” Glad really that the actual doctor wasnt there so spent an hour with the CPN giving a detailed as possible, leaving out remembering another mother, trying not to automatically churn out easier than truth bullshit, oh god but if I’m totally wrong about absolutely everything history. She was good. Professional. Non judgmental and compassionate. A bit shocked about the involvement of so many authorities and positions of trust with children but wasnt scoffing or saying it was impossible. Like other CPNs she wasn’t too keen on peo...

To hear, see and feel as words with so much awareness and understanding come from someone so little was astounding. We couldn’t help wondering what she would be like who she could be if we were somewhere else, some other time but she wouldn’t exist and I wouldn’t exist if that was true. I hated the strong false sense that she wasn’t biologically mine that had been tortured, traumed forced into me. She knew. She told me to stop fighting it because she knew I loved her anyway and when I agreed and held we felt it all fall away. How could I have forgotten that its the fighting and the resisting of some kinds of programming and personality erasing that gave it lots of its power. We couldn’t not know now or then that it didn’t have to be like this. Her death and all others hells we’ve been through happened because people choose that for us and choose to fight against anything and anyone who would have changed things. It doesn’t go away but you learn to live with it, it can even become ...

Must of a bank holiday we werent aware of those times the money came was in early.. Should be the last time things are not much food, no baccy bad though. Not helping our June mood or the sense and flashes of how, when and whose death it was that turned June from regular enslaved awfulness to something even worse. It was little Mia wasnt it? We thought we got her away to somewhere safer but they brought her back. I was so sorry I tried to get her to somewhere safe we could of had that time together. The way she looked at me told me that. Theres no comfort in any kind of that “but now shes safe with you” shit even if the slaver police women that were around before and after hadnt said it. All this anger has to go somewhere. All the horrific injustice against little kids and their already traumatised, isolated and uncared for teenage moms cant just be allowed to be. Hate this fucking planet. So fucking much. Theres nothing humane left in these peoples, if there ever was any to begin...

Very much enjoyed yesterday’s bolognese even if we did have to go for the cheaper mince. Stuck the left overs in the freezer before Pablo had time to help him self to seconds or thirds so there is a decent amount left for a meal on another day. Bought some fuck it wine to help with pain and what pain does to us. Mirroring the weather a fair bit today, definitely going to invest in a heater at some point, storage heaters are utterly useless if it suddenly gets cold. I fucking hate the cold, makes us even less likely to do anything. Did put a cover on the spare duvet so we could lie between them. Very comfy, couldn’t help slide into sleep after taking pain killers because its been really bad, even worse when we woke up. Toilets not for purpose dreams are back and a really uncomfortable very strong desire to masterbate in them to but we cant find any privacy and if we do succeed in achieving in the dream its very painful and we always wake up in a lot of pain, zero arousal, libido or i...

Found a £1 coin in the washing machine. Together with the change left in my purse and some silver in Pabs jar it added up to £2. We got bagels, noodles and biscuits. Had melted cheese on toast with leftover bread so no going to bed hungry. Dont know if we would of managed much activity if it wasnt for an appointment at the school. It went fine and we took a slightly longer walk home. Hate how hard it is to motivate ourself after days of being really sore and/or depressed not sure we would of gotten anything at all done if we didn’t have that appointment that we knew would be short and go fine. A couple of necessary calls done when we got back, as well as another load of washing out and a dry one in. Stroll down to shop and back admiring the greenery, smiling and being smiled back at. Post poo pain levels brought us down hard hard though. Back being amused, charmed and jealous of the Durelles at least its set in the 1930s helps curb the envy though, knowing what happened next. Kn...

Just fucking frustrated today with the pain, the lack of motivation, the absence of any relief or respite.   Its not raining today but quite windy at least we got a wash out and was given a young hollyhock to plant out while out there. I do envy the energy levels, house and garden pride of the retired. They never stop. One of was saying how tiring it was to have to move her bed to hoover and clean underneath it while always saying she needed to get the pressure washer out to clean her spotless concrete, the guy who gave me the hollyhock was putting lino in his new shed and sealing it, hes been working on it pretty much non stop for days. We try not to self shame but its hard to resist when the pain is making sure we cant stay distracted for long. Gonna feed some flowers later and eat something, make sure Pablo knows where his clean uniform is and probably not much else. Have started colouring again. Looking forward to replacing the watercolour pens that we wouldn’t get back from...

Not very impressed by Katie Ford, preferred the Sophie Kinsella we got from a neighbour, think if one more character is described as “attractive” I may start ripping out the pages, chewing them up and spitting them out. Would be much more interesting if more time was spent describing working on the long boats and giving characters some kind of depth we would enjoy it much more. Dont know if we will go back to it know as she has had sex with a bloke when suffering from nervous exhaustion and im not remotely interested in romance and the humour is just too weak to keep us going back. Was given another by the same author that looks like it might be even worse. Everything always goes so well all the time and any issue is instantly resolved with no real exploration of how learning curves tend to actually feel when your going through them. Yuck. Its been really bad today, not pain as its eased a bit, not hunger as we sold a couple more games but the need for weed. Probably partly triggere...

Tears yesterday over pain levels, today pain not quite so bad but still tears this time because we heard back from universal credit, no more sick notes, more money and no request for a face to face assessment. We just need to hang on for another week or so. Yesterday we decided not to put ourself through nicotine withdrawal again so had to sell games for food. Had so sell a couple last week to for ingredients for his cooking class. He came home with a pretty tasty curry. Very cool. He doesn’t know yet about the games that we didn’t get very much for but does know its going to get a bit easier soon. Such a relief, more fresh food! Less cash related anxiety, misery and subterranean self esteem. Pishing Eon and their shitty customer service and price hikes will get paid just not all at once of course. We are not getting that much of an increase. Have been forcing ourself to use the tumble drier less because of it though even with the stupid pain. Not tomorrow though its forecast to rai...

Attempted to sell both of Pabs DSs today but one has lost its thumb grip and cant get past whatever parental settings we put on the other, did get over a 10 for a couple of games though so he got a an ice cream and we got our favourite chocolate biscuits as well some of the ingredients for his cooking class. Thought we better check to see if we could still log on the universal credit without the tablet and didn’t even have to look in the jotter where our log in details are. Read something interesting about people who are receiving cash for severe disability can not apply for universal credit.. We were indeed getting the extra 30 a week added to our ESA because of severe disability and had been since we were hospitalised. Is it a new thing? Did we just miss it because we struggle to take information in particularly when stressed? Of course no one told us but its not like we were able to ask for help. Slugs are annihilating the livingstone daisies. Started going out in the evening...