Try and stretch now and again
Just fucking frustrated today with the pain, the lack of motivation, the absence of any relief or respite. Its not raining today but quite windy at least we got a wash out and was given a young hollyhock to plant out while out there. I do envy the energy levels, house and garden pride of the retired. They never stop. One of was saying how tiring it was to have to move her bed to hoover and clean underneath it while always saying she needed to get the pressure washer out to clean her spotless concrete, the guy who gave me the hollyhock was putting lino in his new shed and sealing it, hes been working on it pretty much non stop for days.
We try not to self shame but its hard to resist when the pain is making sure we cant stay distracted for long. Gonna feed some flowers later and eat something, make sure Pablo knows where his clean uniform is and probably not much else. Have started colouring again. Looking forward to replacing the watercolour pens that we wouldn’t get back from a cow in the hospital.
Sometimes we have moments when we can appreciate how far we have come, remembering how it felt to live under the same roof as Bill Johnston, to be around Lynne and Deek, to try and have a conversation with Margo and watch them all kick Laura when she was down for year after year believing she had no options beyond drinking herself to death, while her son threatened her with violence for it, to have to ask Niall for help, to sit silently and watch any of them around babies and children, to hear the horribleness and survive the attacks from the community and authorities and associates in Fife, in Dundee, in Aberdeenshire, in Glasgow knowing that for all the awfulness that was out in the open that shocked and disgusted us when we remembered nothing else there was way much more going on, so much that we were put through that was so much worse.
We did always say though that by the time we got some distance between us and them we would be to exhausted, to psychologically and physically damaged and too old to change habits and patterns forced on us. Hate the feeling of lost time, time that could of been used to feel safer and comfortable which in itself would would help us rearrange and nurture our frozen mind.
Should be enough energy to get that last five theatre glasses that will win me a prize, probably mostly useless though. Another donated fag first. Crazy handy the fags been given to us by a neighbor as another neighbour is taking them off her husband because he’s forgotten he doesn’t smoke anymore. She said he got up early one morning all stressed about being late for school, hes in his seventies, altzimers a bitch. Means Tuesdays child benefit can just be spent on food and much cheaper essentials than like bog roll and pads instead of baccy.
...
No go on the plant feeding. Did manage to shower and play cards with junior though. He’s into writing and illustrating his own fantasy stories, started using a paint app on his computer. Crazy imaginative and huge relief to know hes doing something other than gaming and tubing.
Hope we are more productive tomorrow. Would be great to sort room out, organise drawers, screw in the hook so we can hang the mini hanging basket. Hoover, go for a walk.. have a choice of things to eat and smoke and drink, sit on the beach in the evening talking to someone who knows a bit about who I am, what ive been through and what’s actually going on.. ah well.. the prizes from the game werent as useless as I thought they would be and really close to levelling up and there is a £1 in the bank i could use to get bog roll so we dont have to wait until Tuesday!
We try not to self shame but its hard to resist when the pain is making sure we cant stay distracted for long. Gonna feed some flowers later and eat something, make sure Pablo knows where his clean uniform is and probably not much else. Have started colouring again. Looking forward to replacing the watercolour pens that we wouldn’t get back from a cow in the hospital.
Sometimes we have moments when we can appreciate how far we have come, remembering how it felt to live under the same roof as Bill Johnston, to be around Lynne and Deek, to try and have a conversation with Margo and watch them all kick Laura when she was down for year after year believing she had no options beyond drinking herself to death, while her son threatened her with violence for it, to have to ask Niall for help, to sit silently and watch any of them around babies and children, to hear the horribleness and survive the attacks from the community and authorities and associates in Fife, in Dundee, in Aberdeenshire, in Glasgow knowing that for all the awfulness that was out in the open that shocked and disgusted us when we remembered nothing else there was way much more going on, so much that we were put through that was so much worse.
We did always say though that by the time we got some distance between us and them we would be to exhausted, to psychologically and physically damaged and too old to change habits and patterns forced on us. Hate the feeling of lost time, time that could of been used to feel safer and comfortable which in itself would would help us rearrange and nurture our frozen mind.
Should be enough energy to get that last five theatre glasses that will win me a prize, probably mostly useless though. Another donated fag first. Crazy handy the fags been given to us by a neighbor as another neighbour is taking them off her husband because he’s forgotten he doesn’t smoke anymore. She said he got up early one morning all stressed about being late for school, hes in his seventies, altzimers a bitch. Means Tuesdays child benefit can just be spent on food and much cheaper essentials than like bog roll and pads instead of baccy.
...
No go on the plant feeding. Did manage to shower and play cards with junior though. He’s into writing and illustrating his own fantasy stories, started using a paint app on his computer. Crazy imaginative and huge relief to know hes doing something other than gaming and tubing.
Hope we are more productive tomorrow. Would be great to sort room out, organise drawers, screw in the hook so we can hang the mini hanging basket. Hoover, go for a walk.. have a choice of things to eat and smoke and drink, sit on the beach in the evening talking to someone who knows a bit about who I am, what ive been through and what’s actually going on.. ah well.. the prizes from the game werent as useless as I thought they would be and really close to levelling up and there is a £1 in the bank i could use to get bog roll so we dont have to wait until Tuesday!
