To hear, see and feel as words with so much awareness and understanding come from someone so little was astounding. We couldn’t help wondering what she would be like who she could be if we were somewhere else, some other time but she wouldn’t exist and I wouldn’t exist if that was true. I hated the strong false sense that she wasn’t biologically mine that had been tortured, traumed forced into me. She knew. She told me to stop fighting it because she knew I loved her anyway and when I agreed and held we felt it all fall away. How could I have forgotten that its the fighting and the resisting of some kinds of programming and personality erasing that gave it lots of its power.
We couldn’t not know now or then that it didn’t have to be like this. Her death and all others hells we’ve been through happened because people choose that for us and choose to fight against anything and anyone who would have changed things.
It doesn’t go away but you learn to live with it, it can even become a strength. The creepy French Netflix series we have gotten into had lines like that in it. It hurts so much though and makes feeling the benefit of any strength so superficial and fleeting.
Pablo agree to more game selling so we ate and I didn’t have to go through anymore nicotine withdrawal. Getting a bit better at helping him shave, tricky though he has some my general hairiness it’s difficult to know where to stop. His side burns are closer to the same length though. He says he wont shave at all when he can. Not sure I will be able to let him go through the whole summer holidays without at least cutting some of it back.
In times of an income thats more manageable now. It went in at midnight so bills have already been paid. Not looking forward to phoning eon tomorrow to work out payment plan. Have already arranged to switch supplier though. The last guy I spoke to suggested a £200 a month direct debit.. thats not going work.
Doing stuff we couldn’t for the last fortnight because of no money will be nice and distracting tomorrow, pain still bad but not 24 hours a day bad. Little bits and pieces are getting done.
We couldn’t not know now or then that it didn’t have to be like this. Her death and all others hells we’ve been through happened because people choose that for us and choose to fight against anything and anyone who would have changed things.
It doesn’t go away but you learn to live with it, it can even become a strength. The creepy French Netflix series we have gotten into had lines like that in it. It hurts so much though and makes feeling the benefit of any strength so superficial and fleeting.
Pablo agree to more game selling so we ate and I didn’t have to go through anymore nicotine withdrawal. Getting a bit better at helping him shave, tricky though he has some my general hairiness it’s difficult to know where to stop. His side burns are closer to the same length though. He says he wont shave at all when he can. Not sure I will be able to let him go through the whole summer holidays without at least cutting some of it back.
In times of an income thats more manageable now. It went in at midnight so bills have already been paid. Not looking forward to phoning eon tomorrow to work out payment plan. Have already arranged to switch supplier though. The last guy I spoke to suggested a £200 a month direct debit.. thats not going work.
Doing stuff we couldn’t for the last fortnight because of no money will be nice and distracting tomorrow, pain still bad but not 24 hours a day bad. Little bits and pieces are getting done.
