..dear reader..

We would really try to find some words or images that would go some way to explaining, just to ourselves how it felt being around Margo, if she called, or if we thought about her but it was so difficult. It wasn't good and we didn't think it was all her fault but the lostness itself made it impossible to think or articulate anything. It was like constantly being drugged even when I wasn't. Now that it will be five years this December since she died we are starting to see and feel more clearly.  Any sense of self we fought for based on being someone who lost time, or has her biological daughter in a family that had serious issues as many do but nothing more conspiratorial anything we get from anything we can't keep a hold of around her. Any one else and we have a sense of defiance, hypervigilance ,fury, disgust but also often a sense of having an advantage it always disappeared around Margo. We were always filled instead with a sense of being completely defeated around h...

Hoped that the all the virus procedures in place at the school might mean We could avoid the September illness. No such luck. Within days of getting the 'please make an appointment for a flu jab' text Dude wakes up ill enough to not refuse Calpol. Like every other year and every other fucking September virus it's a doozy. Easily covered all the Corona 19 symptoms so we added attempting to get tests and getting stressed out with Covid NHS phone numbers to the miseries. Got two call backs eventually one said it probably wasn't the new novel nasty as we were so congested, sent some antibiotics to pharmacy we couldn't get to and don't want to take and said we should keep trying for the tests. The other didn't think much of the 'probably not Covid' advice and said the tests weren't that accurate anyway so keep isolating.  Someone at the council got tests sent to us after a week of it and we eventually won through the fevered premenstrual brain to corr...

Not so chuffed today Daddy. The premenstalness is far from its worst but that's not saying much. Considering moving on a little if we can from addressing you Daddy. Or rather let parts that never knew any good Daddies have the keyboard a bit more. Difficult though. Sometimes we just can't accept that we don't know. Your back though Em. It's always ridiculous, lovely with paranoia ripples remembering you. The boy I shouted at for paying too much attention. Then slide back into having no idea and no way to find out and its lonely and fucking tiresome. There was a friend from Uni we have been thinking about but we can't bring ourself to write about it. We can't remember her last name.  We have needed it and would not of survived without it but friendship can turn a glaring light on all the negative ways we are treated. All the pain that isn't felt becomes very noticeable. Things that just are get showed up as seriously not right. The fiction book we were readin...

It's been a blessing. For us and so far. I have a lifestyle that isn't alien to people I can bare to listen to. It happening here and now with us being safer and securer than we ever have been. Month after month of no School day mornings with an adolescent. Happy, childlike, affectionate, large hairy cherub.  We are waiting on the monthly universal credit. It's enough. Enough to cover shool gear probably if we get it right. Amazon list waiting, not just cheap shit and don't order the two of the same thing in the same size because then if one doesn't fit there is at least another. New school and he's shot up a lot  and out a bit since the Spring. The adult sizes for his feat on something that might last him is going to be sobering. And there is the hair and the face. And the everything else. The anxiety and exhaustion of other years. Knowing I would put of, would fuck up would get really upset would really upset him about every single thing that had to be done an...

Seeing rain forecast all day is easing the July depression. I don't think he has had a birthday yet when I haven't had to be really faking it and forcing ourself and the effort of the fakery and exhaustion at living with it all when it's warm and beautiful and sweet and fresh smelling outside means that we can usually forget about August bringing much of break. Fairly organised this year present bought and wrapped, food shop arriving the day before with plenty time to get whatever is unavailable. There's a good start on the uniform organising and making sure he gets school meals to. All this time without the awfulness of the before school mornings, it not being a big deal if we don't get to sleep until six a.m. Hoping when we go back to that we have had enough of a break from it that won't hurt so much. Sleep overnight wouldn't be any easier or possible but.  Happy that we can enjoy more stuff though, years of being aware that podcasts are not only a thing b...

Dreams are back. Paralysed by them all yesterday but still really sleepy to. Awful terrifying war ones running around hiding from huge machines in the sky picking people off, one of the piloted by Kate volunteered herself and her children for biological determinism royal. Dreams are much more terrifying than what we can remember of war like experiences when we are generally seriously focused, that's probably the point. There aren't war dreams though are they but slaughter of civilians by big powerful high tech states, that's not war its the obliteration of peoples who were not a threat. The sheer terror of no where is safe and of violence that there is no way to defend from or retaliate to. We shut the blinds when we woke up the first time because we couldn't shake our fear of the sky and really tried to stay awake because we knew we would end up back there couldn't stay awake for long though. There were other dreams after the terror one continued though some even w...

I wonder where the balance lies between writing ourself into being or having been edited and lied about into something confused, mad and no real threat to anyone with any power. This blog as a means to nail us down or as a means to become present and take control of our life. Either way what it can't do is verify anything, what and who we are isn't something we can prove. Although stories that answer those questions can be openly discussed in front of us with lots of hate and derision as always of course and then denied if we should ever repeat them. The Daffodil Rites page and the password was set up in 2007 but the posts didn't begin until 2010. We are not able to explain to ourself or articulate here any sense from mess of others demands and intentions of why and how it came about. We could see how it could help us work through some things and that maybe could be used to reduce the phonecalls maybe even the physical visits and definitely could be a way of bringing slaver...

Think it's because you always knew when we were in the bath even when we tried to stop you from feeling it that we often find it hits us again when we go for a soak. Brain still stuck in 'this can't be' mode can't see how we will ever get out of it. You wouldn't want me to feel like this but you would also know we don't have any options. The day after an Epsom salts soak we often feel good but lazy and are happy to go with it. Until later on and we start getting restless, tearful, furious again.   We stopped the calls from abusers pretending to be you eventually with Lainey's help. I remember in the living room in Dundee with our arms around her so we could feed her the lines we couldn't speak ourself but she wasn't as experienced and started laughing and that spread to us, it the spell was broken anyway and was wonderful for morale and that is usually the most important thing needed to resist that crap. They were always very motivating that p...

Laura and Margo would of gone nuts for a May like this. It's horrible to think how Laura's last summers meant enduring the constant evilness from so many sources and the child abusing, murderous, police protected meth heads on the other side of the fence making sure she couldn't even enjoy the back garden. It's better feeling sad than scared, disgusted and furious constantly though.  Has there really been no fighting, no threats, no abusers getting into the home and doing their jobs, no trigger calls, no situations forcing us to pretend the triggers worked when they didn't or forcing us to figure out a way for them to stop working when they did, not even people hanging about outside since we came here? It feels quite wonderful to let the weather and the light help get us moving a bit more without the certain knowledge that it will be deliberately fucked up by grotesque ignorant hatebags pretending to even more ignorant than they are. We are apprehensive about t...

Windows left open overnight meant that when the wind got up the bathroom door started slamming and woke us up. Wasn't feeling too bad or too good had that late spring insomnia it's different front other season insomnia because of the energy we don't know what to do with. Have lost the desperate longing to be out being social, to have friends and to be active in recent years, it's more of a wish now. It's particularly annoying though as the lack of sleep means we have less time to do things during the day that we might actually be able and want to do. Not that being active or getting up early has ever been much of a cure for our sleeping problems. There just isn't a sweet spot between being inactive or over tired. Despite getting up reasonably early for the groceries and then do a fair bit of gardening we just couldn't stop the anxiety building as soon as we close our eyes. It had only been about three or four hours so wasn't going to try too hard to not...

Fell out with this particular device quite badly a few days ago, stupid thing want download stupid word games that we needed to keep ourself distracted during nasty PMS. Gave up and used phone instead with stupid itty bitty screen that causes the loss of lives because its too easy to miss press. It still works fine as a wordprocessor though. Things are not so good. Its maybe not all cycle related have cut back on the antidepressants because our stomach couldn't handle the higher dose. Kitchen is bad, bathroom is bad did tidy and pretty up the livingroom when still high on spring and we are very glad of that. Forced ourself to put out some of the plug plants ordered when all enthusiastic and have been watering and feeding. Really been a struggle watering and feeding me though. Need healthy food like two year old Pablo said when recovering from a cold at the Links Market where like here and now there is no healthy food options. Thinking about that isn't aiding the weepiness. ...

Body has sent some very clear messages that we should take it easy today. We are not arguing. Would be good to stretch our lungs, engage in some physical activity to take my focus of you. We can get a bit gross sometimes when we go through a phase when jump out of the back of our mind and expose all the bullshit and kick over our flimsy normal person fronts they forced us to cobble. And reminding us how normal we can be. You found us didn't you? It had been months and months. We didn't know our name we didn't know yours we are still centered in that vague state. There is some real peace to it but the sense of not making progress that nothing sinks in anymore and the stress that if could see and engage more things would much better. We just haven't been able to switch back on again. We are just not really here ever and way to much has happened for us to catch up now. It's so hard to feel how it felt to live knowing we were known but there is moments when we see ...

Been happy to leave to the neighbours in there's over the past week of bright dry days. Today we were out there though, staying mindful that we will want to do some watering and feeding this evening as well so don't go stupid. Glad its not the first year with the outside areas we took on with the lease. The major obstacles to us enjoying and loving and getting creative with the space are gone or greatly reduced. Start at the back and work down. Focus on what we put there and has survived not getting too much new stuff we can't afford and can't look after then feel guilty about. Focus the excitement on the things that are on the way and preparing for them. And of course the things we already have. The extreme and most unpleasant work already done. Plans we are currently working do include a fair bit of digging. Carefully. And not for too long. Late start. But it has begun. Junior utterly non enthusiastic. To get him to move some heavy stuff and then got him to put a l...

Beautiful morning. We haven't slept yet so are feeling good. Sometimes we have gone out for a walk on early spring mornings like this but not today we want to keep our energy for flat, garden and son. Not quite as petrified by the home schooling as we were, as well as the stuff from school we can do some stuff, yesterday it was to set up the printer, neither of us managed alone but by splitting the task it was achieved so now I can send messages from my phone to the printer next to him.. Set an everyday timer on my phone to be consistent with screens off time, difficult to remember all of his devices though. Taking them all and the wifi booster out the room would be best. He confessed to something Still can't find the kindle and can't let him talk us into letting him use the old fire 'just for reading' .. Not that he could say thank you for it removing the temptation will be a relief for him. It's not like he hasn't got a load of books in there. Gotta do ...

The other day we wrote about feeling more parts of us around, of being very conscious and very strong, missing people, wanting to hear music but how that just makes us miss people more. Been getting more active combined with the sleep issues that meant we got tired enough for a good nights sleep then waking wanting to get stuff done. New hemp oil came today, we giggled just after taking it, pretty sure it does something for us. Tastes even more foul than the last stuff. Glad to have it though but its not enough to fix the sleep dread tonight though, doesn't make for better dreams when before sleeping all we feel and hear is 'hug'. Listen to same Maron. Too much, feeling resensitivised to talk of family, growing up and careers and the normal stuff many people have. Biggest mistake was listening to and old episode where he's talking to someone about their experiences with music industry and the interviewee mentions hating the sausage factory work of writing for other a...

We've read a book about a girl who lived in a shack in a swamp and was abandoned there where she was six, she became a successful author, artist, researcher and conservationist and was never raped but it was attempted. We read a book with short stories by Alexi Sayle it was mostly good weird but sometimes a bit grim. We have read a book we were a bit wary of only because it was called 'Little' because it was partly set in the French Revolution some of it contributed to nightmares but they have been bad any way. It's based on/inspired a real fascinating woman's life and am glad we read it. Read girl, woman, other lots to love in it but of course the people having other people can be hard for us. Liked the holy grail one by one of the very few British comedians that doesn't fill us with bitter fury. We are of course struggling with giving Junior much in the way of structure, exercise and home schooling. He's pretty happy though, missing his friends as they ...

oh no but what about all those mass events we had planned..  Do feel for people with social lives and those in the caring professions and parents with kids of school age in general. Its going to be tough losing the only time we get when Junior is being cared for and educated by other people. Not like we going into this after a weeks or even days of feeling not too bad as we have been able to recognise March is a bit of a monster for us mood wise usually we are so focused on February and don't remember it's actually March that has us drowning in nightmares, savage depression, migraines and of course catching every virus Pablo takes home form school and from the occasional sniffing shop assistant. The one before this one was particularly nasty it was before other countries outside of China were testing but we vomited when it was kicking and ended up having to stop when we did get out self to go to shop or do house work because of breathing problems. It shifted with the steroid...