..dear reader..

Not wanting to cut. Just weepy so we are here with Pinky Pie and a duvet more House on Netflix colouring books on standby. Works doesnt it? The talk of children's toys and colouring. Childlike behaviours means we can't be trusted and makes you feel a bit ichy. Good old fashioned 'otherness', adult rational, child irrational. Obviously not in a place where headlines bring relief, a sense of light being spread on the darkest corners of our society. Just triggered. A well planned beam putting whats outside that directed glare even further into no where land, a pitch blackness as thick as soup. More mentions of Exaro on our timeline, another unfollow. Buckingham palace, the possible murder of a Scottish bloke stuff like that doesn't just 'come out', there is total control in the media over anything vaguely relating to Royals and the high level white abuser networks. Stories are timed for release, worded to cause anxiety and hopelessness in victims and sur...

Think we better try and write it out rather than going to bed with cutting urges.  The butterfly coat hooks is up! And looks fabulous.  Not enough to distract us from the the mystery of the missing lego Captain Jack. Which is isnt a mystery. Conrad took it after him and his associates inserted inside me and then he took me upstairs and raped me in as painful positions as he could manage before dad came in and stopped him. Beats him joining in like he used to.  I know we have gone through all this before but we obviously haven't processed it enough and need to go over it again.  We were left on our own switching on our bed in wee room and got the pieces out, thank you parts that handled that. Dad washed them as he has washed countless objects on countless occasions over countless years. Cant get the timelines worked out. It was the earlier occasion when we hit Conrad on the head with a small hammer as he walked down the hall and said we would kill him if he came ba...

No one is free unless everyone is. Then why watch the porn when you dont know or care how it was made. What happened to children to put them on paths that gratify you when their hairy bits eventually grew in to be shaved off again.  How the directors and producers pressure, blackmail, drug and steal to get whatever they want.  How they started us very, very early, telling us 'this is what your for, someone has to do it.' You like to watch strangers have sex, everyone does it, its an evolutionary thing,  for all you know they do get pain and are allowed to say no just like your boss takes no for an answer so what's the problem? No one is free unless everyone is. But you dont care that your anonymous masks trigger people who were hurt most by the systems, organisations and individuals you claim your fighting, people that have a lot of insider experience and knowledge about those systems and individuals. Your camaraderie means way more than us being raped by  peo...

Well the hoovering is still undone, the butterfly coat hooks and curtain rail still on the floor but we did meet a GP who seems pretty decent.  There wasn't any problem in getting up because we never slept.  She had  friendly chilled out manner and understood that there probably isnt much point in putting myself through exams that will be very traumatising and still find nothing wrong.  The scan back in May was fine so it might be best to focus on pain management.  We pretty much agree. Although Therapist has offered to take us to a gyny examine because she knows its inappropriate for someone with our history and DID to go through something like that alone like we always have in the past.. Its extremely difficult for us to trust the NHS anyway because of all the time spent being abused in NHS premises by NHS staff and seeing what they were doing to peoples records and during procedures. We are a long way from completely believing any test result and don't feel ...

It's unlikely that people who are also triggered are going to get this far but we don't intend to mess with you with our titles. We believe trigger words lose their power to cause massive anxiety if they are talked about. Sometimes we have to blurt out the trigger to get away from muteness so we can write anything at all... It was a Moyles and his crew thing, his show has some game or something on that they called viaduct as well. Not that we listened.. No part with any kind awareness of anything could be programmed to believe they would voluntarily listen to that shite. As Rosemount viaduct was between Aberdeen Uni and the blokes that gave me weed we passed by it and saw the sign often. Everytime for a while we would here them "yes we have a thing on our show called that, how would you know that if you don't listen?' Then the flashbacks would come. It never really stopped we got better and worse at dealing with it but the same horror would still be there is walked...

Feeling pretty good. Caught up on some sleep, not during the night of course.. Junior woke us after 10, remember telling him to get himself some breakfast then closing our eyes just for a minute or two. When we opened them again it was half past two.  Looks like its been a nice day to. Not the junior minds obviously or he wouldnt of let us sleep all that time. Have vague sense of smiling as we heard him chat to his ds game in between non traumatic day time dreams.. Had a couple of littles/less educated parts writing and scribbling last night. Often feel wholer and less anxious after. There was also an internal commitment to let littles out more and readiness from more parts to engage in therapy more. A little more crumbling away of the wall between the internal and external world. Less 'we cant do that', 'thats not allowed', 'we are not allowed' and the solid white mute fear. They are ready to try EMDR and others are ready to let them.  Feels very liberatin...

hey off all the trigger phrases & manipulated thought process we have in our heid this now thats the best we can do.. With therapist the other day, she has asked a few times about parts causing the pain and if its possible to ask parts to stop.  It always feels like its not like that, like that is a simplification way too far.  We have said before that its programmes, you cant 'talk' to a programme. It has to be instructions, steps in the only language the programme recognises. You can shout 'off' to a computer all you like but its bloody stupid if the thing doesn't have any voice recognition or that function has been turned off. or the thing isnt even plugged in. Its not good to ask parts who have no idea how to cause pain in the body if they know anything about it, makes them feel unknown, confused. The parts that can do stuff like that, if any dont respond from questions from us or from a therapist, they are not personalities, they are operations.  Compl...

Little, sore but pretty happy. Pain is hardly a surprise since yesterday the woodwork down stairs wasn't even preped but has been painted since about 10 last night.  Its beautiful.  Going to be even more beautiful when stickers, hooks and everything is up on wall. Gonna tweet a couple of pics when its down and say 'Can't believe we live here. 'It' 'hur' lives here .. and not just kept here..' Put in that big order the other night.  Its the bairns first Christmas without there mum, want to make sure they feel loved and keep them distracted! Mother agreed to keep wee man for another sleep so we can stay little or whatever, thank god! Not that we said that was why we wanted her to keep him of course.. Said we were really sore and kids, school uniforms and sticky gloss paint not a good combo. There is wood between floor coverings between rooms that was dark stained and paint splattered. Already stood on the kitchen one in socks twice.  Cant afford any mo...

Camping out in the living room again. The temporary curtain pole came down before we have been able to coordinate ourselves into fixing it.  The bedroom is too perfect. Too ice. Something not quite right.  We will get it more lived in when the time is right.  At moment we need the telly and the comfort of a decent sofa without the triggers, pressure and anxiety about going to bed. Our little cute little castle town is coming along lovely, its charmed quite a few littles, all of us seem to using to practice patience with varying success..We've made a list of Christmas presents for the external bairns, more than we can afford but we have seen stuff and Amazon disappear before and we wont have to think about Xmas for a good while..Its all stuff that we have thought about and want to give them, nothing over a tenner but quality little stuff.  Think it will definitely make us even happier to actually check the list out, it was lovely choosing stuff.  When it arriv...

It has continued to be a bit of an onslaught. But we at kitchen table. Jazz radio on. medicinals and coffee in hand. All the horror memories are starting to link hands because the parts of myself that hold them are reaching out to each other. The is lots in the joins between the worst that was and still is positive.  Obvious to see we have levelled up against denial.  Its rock solid entirly necesarly denial some of it though so we wont know how much there is until we get through it if ever do. The pain shows us so much it doesn't gloss over or get distracted it just give it, as it was, as complete as was consciously experienced at the time.  A time when there was no numbing, or amnesiac switches, unless it was wanted by them though.  The fuck do I call them. They said 'owners' 'masters' 'pimp'  and whatever of course but we don't use their terminology. Decades of media, state, crime, intelligence supported organised efforts to experiment with enslaving ...

Bloody buses.  They do they job in the end though, even if its possible to cross a half the planet in the time it takes to pop in to your pals in the next town.. Ended up having a some food, wine & smokes with 'mom'.  Wasnt too bad. talked about how there is only so much of her daughters stuff I can go throw and/or bin my self.  It was when we said 'what do I do with her red shoes' that we got her attention.  She suggested we have a night when she and the kids go through what we have left. It sounded lovely at the time, the bairns shouldn't feel like we forgetting all about their mum. Now its later we are thinking that is cool but she is avoiding spending any time with Laura's stuff, her space on her own, childless with us. Shes not particularly triggering us at the moment though we are not seeing enough of her and when we do its mostly associated with childfree hours ourself.. We are triggered out from pain, trauma processing and being an intelligent f...

Nightmares all last night.  Not the utter terror kind just the excluded from society kind, was refused service in Tesco and think saw a murder, or murdered earlier on in the night, other stuff to we cant remember, all disturbing and unsettling.  Been feeling weird this evening, awake REMing which isnt too big  problem it often soothes us except for knowing that my brain is hiding heaps of serious shit from me and it wont all be related to the past.  All that programming, not just about how we remember and our ability to talk about the past it also aimed at controlling future behaviour at specific times in very specific ways.  There's been tremors and twitching with associated intrusive memories too, revolting stuff. Someone's terrified of Children in Need after show parties.  Someone feeling guilty about how the tremors and seizures were used by abusers to aid their gratification and they maybe faked them sometimes to give them what they want so they would...

Still not any further forward with the pain. Makes us feel so little and desperate. That earnest and honest little girl that is in so much physical pain and knows without any doubt that what people are doing to her is very wrong or the wrong time. She can't understand it and believes if she told the right person the right way it all would stop and she would be taken somewhere safe and looked after properly. She blames herself when she tells someone and nothing changes, must of used the wrong words. She can't believe that when people hurt her after she asks them for help that they choose to. They must be controled by all that government/gangster stuff. They must be programmed. Why else would anyone do that? We remember where we were when we realised that no one was going to help. When we switched from spending lots if time as that honest hopeful child to one that trusts no one and expects the worst from everyone.  Who cynicaly protects herself by keeping a naive amnesiac part up...

It's really hurts some of us when parts are able to share how much we have talked. It's easier for many of course less intellect and learning involved in talking than writing. Too some it feels like giving in to sex that isn't wanted but that's what we are for so that is what we will do. That sense of being less than so it's important to give the grown ups what ever they ask for or no one will never want or be able to help us. So many parts are just not able to come out to us programmed to never show themselves unless we are talking to someone who appears to be listening. They don't understand they are part of a system that wants to help them and doesn't want them to be hurt or exploited in any way again.  They are so lonely, so scared, so desperate to go 'home' where it's safe, loving and no one takes or plays with us. It's an effective technique, certainly with us anyway at making us too depressed, too hopeless and defeated to be any threat...

After the stuckness with the Jersey statement recently things moved forward last night. Weed. And all the effort we have made over the years to understand what was going on so I could limit the damage, to figure out and work towards organise ourselves into something that could figure out a way and then do everything that involved. And the new setting and all the changes that is brining, positive stuff and becoming much more confident in our system and it's stages. .. We have talked about going to Jerset with Savile, La Vell, and know there was others via small boats. Little fishing ones or leisure boats, aeroplane and of course there is all the being hidding in cramp dark places and being transported ans being pulled out cramped and nausous.  But there is also a strong association of being transported in bigger boats with lots of other people. People known through all the various abuse and crime networks. Victims. People denied voices and documents. Care kids.  People labeled ...