Chronic

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Still not any further forward with the pain. Makes us feel so little and desperate. That earnest and honest little girl that is in so much physical pain and knows without any doubt that what people are doing to her is very wrong or the wrong time. She can't understand it and believes if she told the right person the right way it all would stop and she would be taken somewhere safe and looked after properly. She blames herself when she tells someone and nothing changes, must of used the wrong words. She can't believe that when people hurt her after she asks them for help that they choose to. They must be controled by all that government/gangster stuff. They must be programmed. Why else would anyone do that?

We remember where we were when we realised that no one was going to help. When we switched from spending lots if time as that honest hopeful child to one that trusts no one and expects the worst from everyone.  Who cynicaly protects herself by keeping a naive amnesiac part up front so people didn't know that we knew. We did a lot of thinking and talking there under a tree on the edge of the wood behind the house. Must of been around 1986. It wasn't summer but it wasn't winter either. Spring I think. 

All respect to people who function with chronic pain. Not something we have mastered or want to because of all these of having to block it out or carry on doing what we were told to do because we would be hurt even worse if we didn't. And it was already unbareable and all the time. 

Must be sickening for kids living lives like that now that are aware of the inquires. So hard for them to ever believe things will change or that they are valued and cared about. 


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