Saturday Night

hey off all the trigger phrases & manipulated thought process we have in our heid this now thats the best we can do..

With therapist the other day, she has asked a few times about parts causing the pain and if its possible to ask parts to stop.  It always feels like its not like that, like that is a simplification way too far.  We have said before that its programmes, you cant 'talk' to a programme. It has to be instructions, steps in the only language the programme recognises. You can shout 'off' to a computer all you like but its bloody stupid if the thing doesn't have any voice recognition or that function has been turned off. or the thing isnt even plugged in. Its not good to ask parts who have no idea how to cause pain in the body if they know anything about it, makes them feel unknown, confused. The parts that can do stuff like that, if any dont respond from questions from us or from a therapist, they are not personalities, they are operations.  Completely created by the worst torture and control experts and teams, completely out of our reach.  

When we were challenging it when it was ongoing we found that keeping human, loving trusting ourself, our heart and intelligence, staying centred on warm feelings and hopeful without total denial but accepting that some denial was inevitable. It kind of relates to what we were on about the other day, the co-consciousness of simultaneously feeling the innocence, their simple thought processes that never learned no matter how much the same people tortured her, hearing her words whilst knowing exactly what was going on but being unable to communicate with the innocent simple parts or the outside world. It was obvious the stay centred, stay human, stay smart approach worked well so they separated me into an understanding that cant move and upfront parts that cant process experiences and have very low IQ.  That too is probs an over simplification but doesnt feel wrong.. at the mo anyway. 

 There isnt any recollection of ever getting back to that strong place. Ever.  We were most likely getting love, compassion, affection, respect from outside sources. We kept most parts amnesiac of this so there was less chance of them talking about it at a time and place that would mean it would be destroyed.  They found out though, eventually. There was no more warm centre but there was a lot of hate and rage that we did are best to direct to guilty parties and not other victims or passersby. We did a not to bad job, we are here writing this after all.

Back to the pain, which hasn't been there so much as we have written this.  There is a big strong sense that discloser, detailed discloser will help with the chronicness.  A lot of wariness of that because of the abusers therapists, police, jurnos and others that encouraged detailed discloser coz they got off on it. One of the many aspects of  the myriad of grooming and exploitation techniques that whacks us in the face whenever we try to move forward, like standing on a rake but there doesn't seem to be any where to step that isnt a rake.. *drags ass off couch* SMACK

Therapist worries about how much the pain means withdrawal and isolation. But so does our need to mourn, to slow ease parts away from the frozen in terror, to just think, feel, remember, process in peace. And so does all the crappy, brutal and ignorant culture out there.  And the fact that we are so often a bairn and it feels so unsafe to be around people.  She also said she was concerned with the stuckness that there has been this year and concerned we didnt feel sessions where'nt therapeutic.  Hope we reassured her that having someone there for us is massively therapeutic, even if she is frustrated with the lack of apparent progress!