November 15, 2014

Never sleep again

Nightmares all last night.  Not the utter terror kind just the excluded from society kind, was refused service in Tesco and think saw a murder, or murdered earlier on in the night, other stuff to we cant remember, all disturbing and unsettling.  Been feeling weird this evening, awake REMing which isnt too big  problem it often soothes us except for knowing that my brain is hiding heaps of serious shit from me and it wont all be related to the past.  All that programming, not just about how we remember and our ability to talk about the past it also aimed at controlling future behaviour at specific times in very specific ways.  There's been tremors and twitching with associated intrusive memories too, revolting stuff. Someone's terrified of Children in Need after show parties.  Someone feeling guilty about how the tremors and seizures were used by abusers to aid their gratification and they maybe faked them sometimes to give them what they want so they would go away again. Someone cant bare the dreams and nightmares and wants desperately to never sleep again. Someone is asking for help in Italian.

Hate how the pain stops all activities, stuff we want to do like keeping on top of house work, decorating, getting on with the Jersey statement.  Worst of all is how it makes us feel so distant from Junior, all the normal day to day normal fun parenting stuff that is so much harder or just not possible.  Hate how it puts us back in the same place, feeling the same hopelessness, writing the same things, over and over.

The bairns tool of a dad is down for his monthly visit which kind of scares and sickens us, only partly because it means the spider monkey goes back to treating us like we incinerated her teddy bear blanket.  We haven't but when did wash it for her after we found it covered in her mum's bloody vomit.  Her dad didnt. Coz he was a job and finds things difficult.  Prick.

All misery and inactively maybe transformed tomorrow if the promise of the usual works out.  Then we will clean our big kitchen then sit at our table with Alkysis's old laptop and write, some jazz or blues on the radio and smoke away all the bad dreams.