November 28, 2014

Lego Captain Jack (rotten, rotten through)

Think we better try and write it out rather than going to bed with cutting urges.  The butterfly coat hooks is up! And looks fabulous.  Not enough to distract us from the the mystery of the missing lego Captain Jack. Which is isnt a mystery. Conrad took it after him and his associates inserted inside me and then he took me upstairs and raped me in as painful positions as he could manage before dad came in and stopped him. Beats him joining in like he used to.  I know we have gone through all this before but we obviously haven't processed it enough and need to go over it again.

 We were left on our own switching on our bed in wee room and got the pieces out, thank you parts that handled that. Dad washed them as he has washed countless objects on countless occasions over countless years. Cant get the timelines worked out. It was the earlier occasion when we hit Conrad on the head with a small hammer as he walked down the hall and said we would kill him if he came back and he said they would wait until after I'd finished decorating to come back. So we are thinking he must of come back upstairs after talking to my dad and he went back to work because we remember him saying 'thought you said you would kill me if I came back'. Before he picked up the CICA application that was on the windowsill and threatened my sisters and then my life when that didnt get much of a response and told us not to talk to the Jersey Inquiry.

We thought they had gone and the 'hey we survive anything' part that doesn't feel pain was forward, practically bounced down the stairs and into the kitchen then stopped dead when we saw Conrad. We stood firm and told him to get out.  He picked up the lego man where my dad had put back on the kitchen work top where we had placed it originally before it all happened, we had found it and knew our neice was keen to have him back. No wonder, it was lego captain jack.  Conrad said he was taking the lego guy think he said something about why he was taking it not sure, we weren't hearing, didnt process his abuser talk beyond the word 'you'. We would be triggered by its absence so we guess thats why he or they rather deciding to take it. The rest of them must of been hiding out the back.

When dad got in from work he asked if we were OK. What could we say, except 'fine', he did the same during the days after and hugged us.

 My niece kept asking where her lego man was in the weeks after. We were amnesiac, but amnesia doesn't always stop anxiety, depression and pain. We felt guilty like it was our fault the lego guy was gone, because of this blog. The pain, our mood in the months after was predictably awful but the CICA got posted as long term readers will know and we did speak to the Jersey inquiry. Parts keep wondering if they were involved in Laura's death three days after speaking to inquiry. There is a few unanswered questions about the night she died but that doesn't necessary mean anything. Like one of the CID women said they might have given her a bit of a push but its not like we haven't been expecting it the way she drank and then stopped often without help. Me and Laura had even discussed her death no one else in the family did and apparently she did disclose something to the police one of the times she was picked up but they didnt say what other than she wanted me to have the kids.

On the night of Laura's death we were talking about my family and my history with the police and told one guy to ask dad about the lego captain Jack once he got in from the pub, to see if that got a reaction.  Hours later the guy asked us 'What did happen to the lego captain Jack? It got a response but no answer' so we told them. We had already told them that the last times we were raped was 2009 & 2010 and told them about this blog. But maybe the time on the stairs and the hammer was 2008. Not sure but it could be worked out, recalled if needed.

Would be pretty awful if we have the wrong guys in all this wouldn't it?  Whenever we wonder that we remember how triggered we were by seeing Ian McFayden on our TL and they way he responded when we ignored the triggers and @ him, just like the way we were when DMing and emailing with Conrad. Its their faces, they bring up a whole heap of horror, different parts pointing to the same cunts.

CID said they would be back, I think we discussed in about six months time at the wake. Usual though, dad isnt going to ID them and we have DID and a history of whatever they fancy to make us an unreliable witness and we would have a lot of powerful people and organisations with a lot of real sick fucks on the pay roll.

Yea we do feel a little bit better now.