November 10, 2014

Why give it away?

It's really hurts some of us when parts are able to share how much we have talked. It's easier for many of course less intellect and learning involved in talking than writing. Too some it feels like giving in to sex that isn't wanted but that's what we are for so that is what we will do. That sense of being less than so it's important to give the grown ups what ever they ask for or no one will never want or be able to help us. So many parts are just not able to come out to us programmed to never show themselves unless we are talking to someone who appears to be listening. They don't understand they are part of a system that wants to help them and doesn't want them to be hurt or exploited in any way again.  They are so lonely, so scared, so desperate to go 'home' where it's safe, loving and no one takes or plays with us.

It's an effective technique, certainly with us anyway at making us too depressed, too hopeless and defeated to be any threat to anyone. I would be given what I needed and wanted the most. For a little while. Then it would be ended as easily as it was handed to me but with any chance of it being rebuilt destroyed. To show us the control they have over everyone. To make it impossible to trust anyone ever because we can't handle any more betrayal. Can't cope with any more loss. Can't survive seeing any more people being chewed up by a big sick violent and untouchable machine.  

..proper convinced on soo many levels that we will never have any serious, good relationships, friendship wise nevermind anything more intimate. Partly because we are hurt so badly by common attitudes but also because it's impossible to meet someone and feel as well understood and safe as we did with someone who had been picked and trained into making us feel just that.

Who the hell is gonna what to get to know a DIDer with a history like mine that isn't a sicko or fully briefed on what to expect? 

What could we do together? Films, sport, music. Mostly out. We could go for walks and I could share whatever is triggered. Listen to me talk about my mother then go to her's for tea. They could introduce me to their friends and I could tell them I can't remember who my friends coz that information was drugged, fried, cut and generally traumad out of us and we suspect are real friends we have had have been murdered or weren't really our friends at all..

What are we suppose to do with 'Sorry's? Are they some sort of code? Or trigger? Or just an admission that we are all pathetic little pawns being pushed around by hands we are kept to dumb/scared/greedy to spot. And that bad things happen. So it's better those bad things happen mostly to other people. No point in risking bad things for you and your own when bad things will be happening to people like me and us who were considered past helping before we were born.

We want it back. All the explanations we have given about what was happening to us, the who the how the why. Not for the inquires but for us to see how hard we fought to stand up for ourselves and other victims.  To prove to our doubter parts that none of it was our fault because we were too damaged to ask for help. It was other people and the fucked up organisations they take part in and the rotten cultures they reproduce that was and is too damaged.