November 23, 2014

'a title that isnt an obvious trigger'

Feeling pretty good. Caught up on some sleep, not during the night of course.. Junior woke us after 10, remember telling him to get himself some breakfast then closing our eyes just for a minute or two. When we opened them again it was half past two.  Looks like its been a nice day to. Not the junior minds obviously or he wouldnt of let us sleep all that time. Have vague sense of smiling as we heard him chat to his ds game in between non traumatic day time dreams..

Had a couple of littles/less educated parts writing and scribbling last night. Often feel wholer and less anxious after. There was also an internal commitment to let littles out more and readiness from more parts to engage in therapy more. A little more crumbling away of the wall between the internal and external world. Less 'we cant do that', 'thats not allowed', 'we are not allowed' and the solid white mute fear. They are ready to try EMDR and others are ready to let them.

 Feels very liberating to look at scribbles or be aware of mind contents and have a much better understanding of what the fuck is going on. Not just  thinking I am a bit mad or knowing that it makes sense on some level I am not currently conscious of, which usually means ongoing involvement in ancient dark secretive shit that 'I' am not think, speak or write about without outside instruction.  A bit better at being able to identify different parts, not the level other fabulous DIDers on twitter can do but thats just coz systems as unique as individuals. We seem to have levels of co-consciousness that others dont, thats why we dont get the black outs to the degree others do.  Programmed for different functions, different aspects of victims personalities that may jeopardise operations that had to hammered out, turned against us.

The human centre, that was great at resisting programming, grooming and internalising that we were writing about yesterday was called 'Nature' by some, after an external friend said that humanitarianism was our true nature.. although 'militant hippy' seems more accurate to some.  She wasn't an EP we remember her being around when the body was little, she grew older, learned, developed. Until some point in the early mid 90s.  She must of somehow come back after Ferris abused beautiful baby newborn Rosa to death and Coulson and co's 'You will always be 12'.  Thinking about it now it was the 'you will always be 12', the Dream Team and their military intel support stuff that pushed her away. It just took a few years.

We cant elaborate but the award given to Blair by Save The Children makes us think/remember that Save The Children should be investigated for being riddled with and/or run by abusers as well as the NSPCC.  Its chilling now to think of child protection charities being run by people who participate in the activities that their charities are supposed to be challenging.  Remembering how that felt as a child though..  How does one move on from that when the individuals, organisations and institutions involved have not been effectively challenged or exposed when we are not in a position to do anything and there are no systems currently in place that can?

Pain has gotten worse since we woke up but we are not beating ourselves up about it.  Just swearing lots when we go up or down the stairs or have to bend down.  School day tomorrow and will need the time alone so he's going, hopefully but not necessarily for 9am... Looking forward to getting some of the stuff we didnt get done this weekend done tomorrow.  We have a butterfly coat hooks to put up, a curtain rail to fix and might even start putting up some of the big pile of nature inspired wall stickers that were bought coz they were cute and cheap.  Generally not a fan of writing on indoor walls but have you seen the Dr Suess ones? OMG..