November 24, 2014

lovely to be in body that is not tense from jaws to ankles..

Well the hoovering is still undone, the butterfly coat hooks and curtain rail still on the floor but we did meet a GP who seems pretty decent.  There wasn't any problem in getting up because we never slept.  She had  friendly chilled out manner and understood that there probably isnt much point in putting myself through exams that will be very traumatising and still find nothing wrong.  The scan back in May was fine so it might be best to focus on pain management.  We pretty much agree. Although Therapist has offered to take us to a gyny examine because she knows its inappropriate for someone with our history and DID to go through something like that alone like we always have in the past.. Its extremely difficult for us to trust the NHS anyway because of all the time spent being abused in NHS premises by NHS staff and seeing what they were doing to peoples records and during procedures. We are a long way from completely believing any test result and don't feel there is enough known even if they are genuine. She gave us some gabapentin which we are pretty sure no one has ever tried before, asked if the abuse ever caused infections (yes), gave us some diazepam with the obligatory 'we dont like prescribing these', understood that when she pressed on our tummy that it got worse after she took the pressure away and knew the latin term for heat rash. Impressed we were..

More of our amazon xmas delivery. Is it wrong that we are intending to keep the two playmobil flower fairies for ourselves? We've got the spider monkey other bits and pieces, not sure she is all that into playmobil anyway.. not as much as we are anyway!

Commented on twitter earlier about how we like Mr Men and used to think they were made to help DID kids.  Told therapist once about a wee memory from one of us, she wasnt with the cold Scottish family. She was somewhere else, dont know yet about what ever bad stuff was going on connected to that time, place and people. We just remember a woman who was looking after us opening a kitchen cupboard and asking us which of the Mr and Little Misses we were today then getting that plate out of the cupboard to put food for us on. Whoever the woman/family was they weren't as poor as the Scottish family.  There is some safety connected with it.  It would bring up lots of mixed emotions when we see Mr Men stuff. We remember that feeling of acceptance and validation of being in an environment when our plurality was accepted and being encouraged to engage and allow different parts out regardless of their gender or mood.  That never happened them with Scottish family any more than it does know. Of course anything that brought us warmth had to be stamped on so the 'that's not for me its too nice',  'Im not allowed that' 'we cant afford that' soon became the biggest response when ever we seen any.  Hate those inferior feelings but now we can challenge that so effectively with a few pennies and a couple of clicks.

Looking at stuff online today, we've wish listed a mug, DVDs but most importantly a lampshade which we think may well help us with our not wanting to spend time in our bedroom, with all its fresh paint, new carpet and cool stuff on the walls..Its too grown up but a Mr Men and Little Miss paper shade that will be sorted. Not like we will be taking any lovers any time soon! No shopping or weed this week though and not much next either. Bloody money its a stinking racket.

Think there is sister issues probably hanging about in her old room as well. Increasingly concerned she was getting 'visitors' and phonecalls not like it didn't think abut it before but it brought up so much fear that we couldn't consider it for long. Keep seeing one of the fuck ups we have named in recent months here, particularly when we are near some of the door ways. To some thats us seeing Laura's past, to others its a possible future, to others that's just entirely predictable and natural paranoia/fear of trafficked DIDer.  Whatever its source, we know feeling close to each other and as confident in our self is the best way to deal with it. Not that we are not scared, certain faces in or near our home or voices on the phone could put us right back to amnesiac, dissociated and physically very weak states but all that stuff works easier if you are already hating yourself for being victim and don't believe you are capable of defending yourself.

If some shit does happen, we will put as much of it here as we can, once whatever will happen with the police of course. After everything that happened and was said on the night of Laura's death we would call them, with concerns that doing so is part of a horrible scheme but not enough to not reach out.  Providing we are in a position to do anything of course..

..and we would be.. ;-)