November 24, 2014

Fuck it 'viaduct'

It's unlikely that people who are also triggered are going to get this far but we don't intend to mess with you with our titles. We believe trigger words lose their power to cause massive anxiety if they are talked about. Sometimes we have to blurt out the trigger to get away from muteness so we can write anything at all...

It was a Moyles and his crew thing, his show has some game or something on that they called viaduct as well. Not that we listened.. No part with any kind awareness of anything could be programmed to believe they would voluntarily listen to that shite. As Rosemount viaduct was between Aberdeen Uni and the blokes that gave me weed we passed by it and saw the sign often. Everytime for a while we would here them "yes we have a thing on our show called that, how would you know that if you don't listen?' Then the flashbacks would come. It never really stopped we got better and worse at dealing with it but the same horror would still be there is walked past Rosemount Viaduct tomorrow. When we lived just up the road it from it in 2002 it was the 2001 Torry stuff that would come back, when they stopped us from dissociating, what they did to Petey, the murder of the bloke that tried to help..

Have we written this post before? Think we tried but not sure if it was published, abandoned as a draft or deleted. Even if we did publish something no way it was as easily written as this is.

Stupid bloody pain. Been biteing and pinching to try and distract from it came very close to burning several times but we feel so crappy when we deliberate hurt ourself. Been hearing screaming to. Have label the morning alarm 'phone doc. Please' hope it works, we get an appointment and are given something that will give us a break. All three things happening seems a bit unlikely but none will if we don't phone them in the morning.

Actually a lot more tired than thought possible considering the time we got up at. Still don't want to close eyes and feel parts replaying good sex to distract from excruicating rape & torture memories and coz they are lonely and miss people desperately. 

All that watching House has thinking about Savile and the hospitals. Waking up from general anaesthetic in settings that seems like normal hospital, recovery ward. What the fuck did they do to me? Was just being sewed back together? Objects extracted?