..dear reader..

Meeting the carers was really good. Massive relief. They seem good decent people and we weren't triggered by them. Conversely meeting them has empowered us. Can you imagine what the effect it would have on us if we were triggered by them.. we would be overwhelmed and anxious and a powerless mess. The docs, the social worker would see it and would be less inclined to give us contact and if we said we were triggered they would say we were delusional and psychotic.. Horrible system. Disappointing we only got five day pass and not discharge but not surprising. It's when we go back that we need to say that our life has been owned, controlled, manipulated and out of our control and it's time we took it back. Not after a week or so pass. Now. We can trust ourself to take the meds, to eat and take care ourself. There is no chance of getting ill as we were. It took something over three decades for us to get and be forced into the state we were in. Social work will be all over us ...

News isnt bad Stina. The social work review went well. Social worker's boss is a very different animal than social worker. She told us our rights in much clearer terms and told social worker he had no grounds for court orders to keep junior in care once I get discharged. Cause of the weekend pass we were able to think and write and sent out an email saying all the stuff the ward and psychiatry kept us too stressed and dissociated to say and because we had written it we were much more able to speak in the meeting. He's not an easy guy to like is the social worker, maybe he thinks thats him being professional. Doesnt make much sense to us. Surely its within a child's best interests for there to be rapour between yourself and the child's parent. Instead of being so consistently icy cold. He tried it on again during the visit today saying he had spoken to a child psychiatrist who agrees with him that Pablo should stay in care while my parenting is assessed but there would ...

Social Worker did say we should get a lawyer when we met him and he bonded soo touchinly with controversial junior doc after we brought him in cause we were in a fool in crisis. We sent an email to one who sent one back telling us to look else where. The thought of explaining it all, hoping the too honest parts dont come out and undermine whatever ground we have made by talking about rituals, or programming, pits of dead kids or famous people. Think we have to though. There is no point in shoulds, or wishes or if onlys and it would be better if we went into Monday's meeting with a lawyer but it would always of been better if we had felt safe enough to send Pabs to school in June or had gotten out the UK or at least the area so we would be with him tonight and tomorrow. We havent scored, havent cut, havent took more gabapentin, havent smashed anything, didnt take all 3 pass meds in a oner, just took some cocodomal and some more four hours later, went and got our hair cut from a ...

"What do you mean by trafficking?" How many fucking times have I been asked that in the last three and a half weeks.. It's still being sold and transported around for sex and abuse. Same as it was every other time we've been fucking asked. She said some positive regards to access to Pabs which of course is the social works decision and not her's anyway. Then she said she hoped I would be being discharged the week after next. Not next week like she said last time. She asked if there was any questions but as we had just explained again what trafficking means to educated adult who asked us the exact same question last days before and gave a brief talk on our experiences of said trafficking, Savile, hospitals, Jersey and even mentioned the BBC (premises not employees. obvs) and knew we had a weekend pass we just needed the fuck out of there. Unsurprising we have a massive desire/need to score some weed but as we are under a Schodinger's pee test type situat...

Highly likely the days of trying process all the massive amounts of trauma, terror and bullshit from our teeny tiny phone will soon be over. How long it will be till dude is interrupting us or sleeping soundly downstairs is another matter.. Social worker doesn't always return calls. Doesn't help. Hate the whole social worker approach of looking out for the interests of a child by not returning the calls of a loving parent. How can he observe and assess our parenting without contact, how can contact be arranged if he does not return calls. 'Quicker than they expected" he said when I told we would be out soon.. 'They' being docs who are not my consultant who went on leave and us of course, we knew with food and respite we would be much better very quickly. Nurses dont like him much. He called them to confirm what I told him over the phone when he had already been told by them.. I have emailed him now. Getting our written words to people who have horrific lev...

Time with a psychologist and a psychiatrist in the a.m. Not expecting that. Twice our morning cup of tea went cold. Nothing horrible to report happy for assessments and sessions to continue .. as an outpatient.. which we will be .. most likely .. next week .. fuck yeah.. To scared to sleep because of nightmares though. An evil doctor eating and steeling our teeth, there was someone breaking or attempting to break someone elses neck we don't feel that needs to much analysing.. Some of us are scared of the Family in the Doom, now that we are getting help and are not a utter wreck when comes to functioning in the outside world as it is though. The Family in Rotty to, or rather Margo's brother for similar reasons. We might run in to verbal nastiness from others and we are not going to say that will be no bother but there is more fear for up the road. We have pretty much put our feelings for the bairns up there on a fucking shelf but the chances of us saying something that might ...

We will be togther again soon. Its so hard though. This is a place of safety. Thats a big part of why we are here. They would not try to harm Pabs or me when we are here and he is there to high a chance of that resulting in evidence, evidence that would be recorded by people who count, evidence that might even be acted on. Like we said to the social worker. He doesnt give us ring triggers or fears, or his foster carer. And that is the result of a lot of peoples hard work. I feel much more able to be aware of dangers when i just have one flesh to take care off. Our littles needed respite from isolated single parenthood. We have had that and now we are surronded by people who are much iller than us, people who cant read or dont care about there effect on others. People who talk at me and not to me. Who dont do conversations, they do ranting, moaning.. There is good people to and we have numbers of friends which is we had before, just a bit of human contact would most likely of stopped...

Thank you so much Stina. There are times when we would not write if it wasnt for your comments. Thank you for reminding us there is humanity out there, humans with the guts to not look away, the hearts strong enough to not dismiss the unpleasant and minds deep enough to know that we will always be victims always be abusers when we let outside forces determine what has value and what can be true. We will hopefully redraft that.. Think the cleaners are the only staff members who have not asked how the hour of access went.. We are glad (we think) that they know whats going on. Its been visable a few times in quite a few of the nurses and care assistants an automatic parental empathy and fear of exhaustion and crisis leading to the crisis of estrangement and powerlessness. We are truly starting to love our home though. Its not "the house" like it always has been no matter how much we worked on it. The jobs we couldnt do will be done. Of course we need the overnight passes ...

Raining hard today. Went for a walk with another woman earlier on, its was good. Didnt feel all that uncomfortable when she asked how many kids we have and the honest answer came back. "Don't know". Seeing the lad was great except for the wait because they got lost on the way and the look on his face as they left. Heartbreaking. Bit worried we might of fucked things up by writing too much non relevant stuff on the care review form that was in the house when we got there.. Anyhow its posted. As is our application for free bus travel. Something that we can be assured is part of our future. Its a real thing. The abuse from Oshun was a real thing but not in the same way. It would probably help our self respect if we wrote down some our issues with the way we were treated and posted it to Dundee health board. It could also possibly trigger more physical abuse or the fear of it also. Swear to god if she sighs like that one more fucking time we are not going to strangle h...

Its not like i dont have paper and pen. But we dont get much sense of a connection with anyone or anything with that. Its was good to go home and see with fresh, different eyes not the ones we had two weeks ago. It will do fine. The sense of not needing to be here along with just not wanting to is stronger. The house needs work and we at last feel ready and excited for without feeling that to do so to want to is a total betrayal of everything we are and have ever been. Their are so many good people in here but we dont share much in the way of sense of humour, politics or experiences anything else that matters the most to us.. Good people are good people none the less though. Bloody scared about what tonight will bring. Its getting us tearful seeing others spliff up. It would help our post cleaning and traveling pain. Definitly help with nightmares. We can hang on though. For a bit longer anyway! It was nice being on the wee bus going through Fife in July. Took over a fucking hou...

So sick of all the clash of the personality disorders, people with mental health issues laughing, judging and being intolerant of the mental health issues of others. Some doc is back today and is disgarging heaps of folk whether they like it or not. He isnt our doc though. Dont have the same omg they are never going to let us go feeling, got longer passes. Will be heading back home asap and back here to eat and sleep. Doesnt sound to depressing Atm. A hell of a lot less depressing that all the bitching, moaning and crapiness going on here. We know we need to start being more confident with the nurses. Easy said. We are self assured, comfortable and confident with NHS psychiatrict nurses.. We are confident, self assured and comfortable around NHS psychiatrict nurses.. Darg.

Sunday The dreams had us unsettled in the night but we tired enough from the early mornings and the walking we went back to sleep okay. There is nothing to be gained by "what's next" ing ourself. We have to deal with what we have, the threat of sectioning if we discharge ourself, junior under a court order and the house in Glenrothes that we need doctors permission to visit. What utter grimness. But more hopeful grimness that we have had for a year in terms of our mental and emotional health. Talked to him today on the phone, the line wasn't very clear and we really struggled to make him out. Hate not knowing what they are telling him. Very glad they are getting him active. We know the feeling of him slipping away is natural in all the immediate and wider circumstances and doesn't mean its true. What a shitty culture we live in where we could of came into existence, where our life so far experiences could of happened, where this could be happening. To put us und...

Want fuck all to do with the extra drugs folk are getting in. Dont want to know. Dont want to see. Definitly dont want to smell. We are even missing our hot chocolate to avoid it. And its fuck all to do with piss test another patient has said we will have to take before we get to see Pabs again. Even if its true. Neither do we want fuck all to do with other patients abuse stories. For obvious fucking reasons. Want fuck all to do with the narcasist that has pissed of every woman in here and they are all or almost all much more people persons than we are. Appart from that its going well. Worried that the staff may think we are partaking because we can genuinly say we are "good" when asked how we are. Seriously though. Been thinking about the house and dealing with it when we get out for a while or for good. All the shit we couldnt face. The cupboards. The carpets. Painting the living room. We dont want to burn the place down anymore. We want to make it nicer. Would sti...

Ransom isnt? Shut the fuck up about Savile and rings or you will never see the one baby we let you keep again. Doc today was talking Occupational therapy, psychologist over psychiatry and how better we seem and thats all good but i dont when i will see Pabs again. Its hard accepting everyone you ever loved that isnt a child have fuck all respect for us and our work. People so fucking scared of change, so easily bought, so easily fooled by fascism as long as it makes a bit of effort to appear otherwise. I want home. Not to any of the satanic planets of course coz we destroyed them (your welcome cunts) and released the mines but that other one.. The quality one.. You knights templar tools can keep this one .. Might have to sterilise you all though cause its so abusive down here.. What's worse than a fart in space suit folks? Vomit in your space helmet. Vivid imagination.. At least someone here has one.. Better quality of nightmare, set outside Britain in our museum. Tec...

Cheers Stina. Got to speak to Pabs over weekend, he sounded good, lots of stuff around him that he likes, beach, park, xbox one.. Spoke to social worker today to and his whole tone was different with us and that was a massive relief to. Actually able to relax a bit and the other patients are mostly all sound. When you add it all up its a lot of years of trauma and fuck all recovery and we couldnt soldier on any more, espically now the links with the fake family real horror stories have been broken with the death of Margo and the loss of spider monkey and snot boy to said fake family real horror stories and them of course not wanting the kids to stay in touch.. When they were down for Margo's funeral Bill and Nathan were talking about all the ppl who have died and Bill looked over at me and said something like 'but your still here' we had an easy answer, 'not exactly on the same side are we Bill'.. We knew they were trying to scare us. A few words of everythin...