July 21, 2016


Time with a psychologist and a psychiatrist in the a.m. Not expecting that. Twice our morning cup of tea went cold. Nothing horrible to report happy for assessments and sessions to continue .. as an outpatient.. which we will be .. most likely .. next week .. fuck yeah..

To scared to sleep because of nightmares though. An evil doctor eating and steeling our teeth, there was someone breaking or attempting to break someone elses neck we don't feel that needs to much analysing.. Some of us are scared of the Family in the Doom, now that we are getting help and are not a utter wreck when comes to functioning in the outside world as it is though. The Family in Rotty to, or rather Margo's brother for similar reasons. We might run in to verbal nastiness from others and we are not going to say that will be no bother but there is more fear for up the road. We have pretty much put our feelings for the bairns up there on a fucking shelf but the chances of us saying something that might mean someone has to attempt a professional legal duty is higher the longer we are talked to.

It's certainly not conscious. The "dont say that they might act on it" it hides itself behind "dont say that they will call you psychotic and delusional" and "whats the fucking point authorities are either in on it or utterly unprepared and powerless". We still know its there though. We are often close to being back to whenever and wherever the detailed instructions after lots of major traumas when specific dos and donts where given. Which of means the aspects of us that survived it all enough to still be conscious enough to make the long term memories and not just receive the instructions is getting stronger and reaching out and engaging little by little with the rest of us.

On the other hand though, this means nightmares and deep fear brought to the surface.

Teeth, crumbling teeth though.. so many dreams and nightmares and we know its common as fuck. That bastard mouth wash ad man. No way are buying that shit if thats how the advertise it.. Often in the past they have stopped because we got to lucid. Oh we have another teeth falling out dream, or oh dont worry we have money we will get new ones..

Ok. Associates.

Ageing. Fear of powerlessness over physical ageing and the passing of time in general. Fair enough. Fear of the pain of dentist visits even if they are good, its not any fun. Unprocessed abuse in dentist settings. Sick to the back teeth, toothless meaning not bite, no fight left, or never having had any to begin with. Tooth also rhymes with truth and Booth who were an family in the Glen. We have at different and probably sometimes the same time been told to either not brush or to brush. Vanity, gendered desire to be young and pretty, a more general social need to be attractive or at least palatable and for sure most of out truths are not. We use our teeth to speak, to annunciate gotta be relevant. gift horses.. hmm feel creeped out thinking about that saying and not just because Laura's bairns Dad used it to in relation to PsychoSis and her ex. She has had a more bother with her teeth than we have. Sick to the back teeth. Dream therapist would and probably has said something about which teeth it is. Often starts at the back and we have lost and are loosing our back teeth, we said once "ah thats why its called salad days because thats the only time you can eat salad" when we tried to much down on lettuce with gums and gaping hole after one had been removed.  Some drugs make you grind your teeth, as does stress and repression.. Repressed shit coming out.. we like that.. would like to keep as many of our remaining molars if possible..

Theres more though.. for another night. What else has teeth? We immediately think of electronics.

It was a very cold, scary dream. Without lucidness. So cold and everyone else in the dream cold or violent. Gangs were mentioned hence the murder or attempted murder it was sloppy. Hmm may be getting some where there to. Dentists records are used to identify people. NHS dentists used to be part of the school system. Issues surrounding our ID and the faking, manipulating of records. What did we fight out? And of course - Jersey.

We could of been a much better parent to ourself and junior if we had just a bit more support.. He is almost nine, we feel like we both have missed out on so much.

Supertired now.

Gute nicht..