July 16, 2016

much better

Thank you so much Stina. There are times when we would not write if it wasnt for your comments. Thank you for reminding us there is humanity out there, humans with the guts to not look away, the hearts strong enough to not dismiss the unpleasant and minds deep enough to know that we will always be victims always be abusers when we let outside forces determine what has value and what can be true.

We will hopefully redraft that..

Think the cleaners are the only staff members who have not asked how the hour of access went.. We are glad (we think) that they know whats going on. Its been visable a few times in quite a few of the nurses and care assistants an automatic parental empathy and fear of exhaustion and crisis leading to the crisis of estrangement and powerlessness.

We are truly starting to love our home though. Its not "the house" like it always has been no matter how much we worked on it. The jobs we couldnt do will be done. Of course we need the overnight passes or discharge for a lot of it though. At the moment though we are enjoying the bus ride on the twisty wee roads with everything in bloom.

We are most anxious here. Shops, public transport even waiting for public transport are ok to fine. In here its a different story. Without cannabis we are waking up distressed from nightmares every night are treating it with chocolate buttons which seems to be working and not too worried that we will develop half asleep night eating habits..

We are not planning on buying or trying to buy on our first night out. We have no idea how scared, paranoid, at risk we will be.. There is only the one set of keys. There used to be two. That is a genuine concern espically with the shit bag landlord who isnt going to be changing any locks any time soon.

Locks are a bit of a mental thing sometimes though arent they.. CID have them we believe, cause thats what they said.. We think. FFS.

To end on a positive note though we are a shit load more healthy than we were a few weeks a go, calmer, stronger, browner, we brush our teeth twice a day and scrub and moisturise daily, bought fucking nail polish today.. Its a pale greeny colour..



  1. You (all) are amazing. You've been dealt the shittiest of all the shiity hands and I'm furious about Pabs but you are doing what needs to be done. So many people would've caved under what you've been subjected to and you haven't.

    Keep doing it, know you're cared about even from afar.

  2. Hey Daffs, Im glad the comments are helping. Been scared to comment cause english is not my first language and you are really amazing with words. But now Im really glad I commented.
    Oh and can totally relate to the lack of green-feelings and nigthmares. I think youre being really smart about it tho. Keeping yourselves safe must be the priority, I get that. And soon things will different and you can have good sleep and that creative feeling youve described a few times again. Its going to be ok. Youre a true surviver and you will get through this too. And soon Pabs will be with you again, cause you are awesome and you got this.
    I can only imagine the angsiety of being brougth in like that and held against your will, given all the traumatic experiences you carry, and I so wish I could give you a safe warm hug (if youd be ok with that of course!).
    And thank you so much for your kind words. I feel very much the same about you, that this blog the way you write it, and the persons you are, the recistance you show, the compass of love and justice you have, your sometimes dark but always funny sense of humour and all that you have done for this world behind the scenes - all of it gives me hope and makes me feel love and hope.
    Can I send you the money youd need to get the locks changed? Or at least contribute?

    And is it ok that I call you Daffs? I know names are important.

    Solidarity sister, I hope youre safe and ok today ��