July 19, 2016

the worst is over for us

We will be togther again soon. Its so hard though. This is a place of safety. Thats a big part of why we are here. They would not try to harm Pabs or me when we are here and he is there to high a chance of that resulting in evidence, evidence that would be recorded by people who count, evidence that might even be acted on. Like we said to the social worker. He doesnt give us ring triggers or fears, or his foster carer. And that is the result of a lot of peoples hard work. I feel much more able to be aware of dangers when i just have one flesh to take care off. Our littles needed respite from isolated single parenthood. We have had that and now we are surronded by people who are much iller than us, people who cant read or dont care about there effect on others. People who talk at me and not to me. Who dont do conversations, they do ranting, moaning..

There is good people to and we have numbers of friends which is we had before, just a bit of human contact would most likely of stopped things from getting so bad..

How do you consent to treament when there is none. We need to be at home to build ourself up, to deal with the house. There are charities that could help. Another patient told us about them. Occupational therapy has been around for other people and we have asked for referals but its three weeks now. The occupational therapy i want is to being sorting out good habits at home, chucking stuff out, cleaning, painting..

Miss him so much. Its going well i know. Everyone happy with my progress. But doc said the ward is for very ill people. I do not feel or act very ill anymore..

Hate how people are inbetween me and Pabs. Hate that the inquires were whitewashes.

Focus on the positives. We slept upstairs at home last night. Terror and nightmare free. We have gotten through the worst of the triggers and the programmed parts have eased, faded or grown.

Tomorrow we research support while waiting for doc, call from social worker. Lots of positives. That fact that we want, hope and expect for so much more is not a negative. Fuck no.

Miss him so much..

We did the right thing. Didnt even just ask for the painkillers. We asked for a chat to. She was ok. The ready to go conversation and how it makes sense to not rush it. Back to feeling so weepy. Entirely natural though.. We dont want to not feel the effects of our past our present but we just dont want it to control every waking second like it us. We want to feel other things to and we are beginning to.

Of course we still feel for people we havent seen in a year and in the ridiculous horrific obscene and bloody incidents that is the norm when survivors and fellow battlers are around. There are parts of us that never stop believing often blindly that its safe now. Or that it doesn't matter because the isolation is killing us anyway so whatever punishment would be worth it.

Bigger Picture

We still love. Still hope. Still yearn and believe in so much better than we have usually have. We smile easy. So many can't or won't.

Lots of positives.

Its gonna be great when we are back together.