April 01, 2018

babies all big now

Hi Rosie, Cosmo and everyone else,

I might just end it there.. It feels so huge, so enough..

But it isn't of course. Just because we are having an okay couple of days doesn't make it okay that we are apart. The memories of all the horror might not be too much for us to admit as real but that doesn't change the levels of evilness or catastrophic loss. Its good to feel warmth towards the mes from then and their huge relief at being seen, accepted and supported by the rest of us. Can't wait to see you and hug you and see you hugging Pablo and know we are not alone with him anymore. We shouldn't be scared of him because of his size but we are especially when we are hurting and he's floppy/flappy. Got a for kids and parents spectrum book and a mental health one as well. We don't expect to start being able to articulate painful feelings any better any time soon but we feel better knowing that some vocabulary is there for him.

There is little big illusions left as you can tell. There is no separating people and institutions in the here and now from all those who participated in all torture and murder of previous decades or the shit that has happened and the way we have been treated more recently. It got us through thinking people would act differently if they had a choice and believing they were processing their experiences of mass crimes against humanity and would one day take steps so at least they did not work for or with them anymore and would stop legitimising smiling genocide machines.

Its so good though. Just being. Knowing you are strong and loving as you need to be. Knowing I will see you all again one way or another.

Feeling its going to be okay and not knowing we've worked with numbers that represent definite vast improvements and they were unavoidable as long as I stayed alive. Been damn hard staying alive though. So much organized to make our life unlivable but they are not used to adapting they are used to being handed a script then working with it in detail and making sure nothing happens that might mean some change or difference between the script and events. It was known my lots of the slavers that the source of these scripts was not infinite. They weren't trying to make it so that it didn't matter that there was no more scripts from a higher intelligence because they had such total control over everything and everyone. They had gone a long way in making that true. We knew we worked on and on and destroyed and destroyed. We knew we couldn't sleep but there was no time anyway if certain things weren't down by certain times it would all be pointless and truly hopeless anyway. But we got everything that needed to be done done that's why we are so tired and inactive.

Still need hugs sweeties but you all know that.

Love you.