Its horrible to back bursting into tears again. Wanting and needing to eat but can't clean or cook. Horribly triggered by everything dude is watching or talking about. Desperately wishing we could forget how to speak and not think properly in English. "Knowing" there is and has been more than violence, slavery, genocide and hate but not being to feel it,see it or touch it. Being so alone.

We have eaten though, a bowl of pasta in the evening as well as pancakes in the morning. We have taken the pill, the antidepressant and ordered painkillers, watered seedlings, made sure he ate something other than crisps and bagels and hang out with him for a little while. Hoping those plants arrive tomorrow we need the distraction. They are a definite positive to look forward to and maybe some weed might turn up to we will have the cash for it. Will be struggling not to give all the cash for it if there is any available but its highly unlikely there will any risk of that.

Wish something or someone would give us a reason not to hate. We would rather not hate. We prefer to share and help and love but not enough people here want that. Its a shame and such a waste of life and time for everyone.

Think further. We are trying. But we hurt so much. 

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