-
Its horrible to back bursting into tears again. Wanting and needing to eat but can't clean or cook. Horribly triggered by everything dude is watching or talking about. Desperately wishing we could forget how to speak and not think properly in English. "Knowing" there is and has been more than violence, slavery, genocide and hate but not being to feel it,see it or touch it. Being so alone.

We have eaten though, a bowl of pasta in the evening as well as pancakes in the morning. We have taken the pill, the antidepressant and ordered painkillers, watered seedlings, made sure he ate something other than crisps and bagels and hang out with him for a little while. Hoping those plants arrive tomorrow we need the distraction. They are a definite positive to look forward to and maybe some weed might turn up to we will have the cash for it. Will be struggling not to give all the cash for it if there is any available but its highly unlikely there will any risk of that.

Wish something or someone would give us a reason not to hate. We would rather not hate. We prefer to share and help and love but not enough people here want that. Its a shame and such a waste of life and time for everyone.

Think further. We are trying. But we hurt so much. 

Popular posts from this blog

Letter to Savile Investigations.

-
There is a few typos left and its bit clumsy at times, especially towards the end, I have resisted the urge to fix them. Behold below! My letter to the investigations...  As a survivor of networks in which Savile played a very significant role I have found and still find it difficult to remember, articulate and find the right person to talk to about this.  There is a lack of witnesses and victims coming forward and a lack of training in the police when it comes to taking claims of extreme organised abuse seriously.  I am sending this letter to institutions who have ongoing investigations into Jimmy Savile to request that those involved keep an open mind in regards to the possibility of abusive networks that may have included the day to day staff in institutions from various roles and professions.   I am aware that the recent Yew Tree report stated that 'offences were normally, opportunistic' (7.11,p.12) but I hope the...
Read more

Wimping out because of pain

-
Wee man not in nursery, the ibuprofen wasn't working. Feel guilty now. He's been a nightmare recently about nursery. He's happy when I pick him up but resists most of the way there. As for the essay, it might even be a fail. Not that bothered, I've the time now literature is over and the next module, is 'Minds and Bodies', Descartes, bring it on. Think I should give my self a break from the structured stuff and just read and write about whatever I want. Use here more, tackle the old notes. No forces by big square brain into round holes. Feeling better now though, might even put the washing out, or at least out of the washing machine anyway. The more I think about the more justified I feel in attempting to claim disability. With the lawyer dudes help I will have a chance, certainly didn't on that form on my own. How many depressed people are able to be truely honest about how it effects their day to day living? As with the compensation claim ...
Read more

Watered and fed the Roses

-
Image
 We couldnt leave the flat this time last year. Couldn't even make it to the bins sometimes. Think I remember a post about the total dread experienced when May turned to June. Not so this year. Was a bit worried We would feel something close to that awfulness, that triggered terror on the day of the coronation that Tesco and the met office kindly told us about but nothing like it. Jesus those late last year posts acting like we were getting out fucking telling Junior we might be going home and 'twin'? wtf.   Unfortunately, ended up in the garden the same time as the downstairs horror story and knew she was going to say something there was no way she wasn't going to mention it. She asked if We watched it I said 'Nah' pointlessly hoping that would be the end of it. She started talking about how 'wonderful' it was and we stuck up for ourself and all that is decent everywhere by saying it's 'a bit ridiculous for a modern country'. She started som...
Read more