..dear reader..

It was good, healthy and hopeful to not be reaching for the codiene that often and maybe we will feel that way again soon. Not today though. The ache and fury at not being able to keep Pablo excercised and entertained as much as he needs is a factor, his tears when he described anxiety over thoughts he didn’t want to have, the gap between what we want to be able to do for him and what we can, the difference that it would make if we had real support, even just a little occasionally. Did a bit of trying to be a responsible adult today. Thought that if we got a job done or started a process of we would feel a bit better but the guy from eon energy after all the stressful time on hold wasnt being very helpful, apparently over a grand electric for six months in a two bedroom flat is only a little bit more than he would expect. He transferred us to their payment plan people but we couldn’t handle being back on hold and gave up after a couple of mins. Cancelled spotify yesterday but too ...

Havent taken any pics of any of the beds yet. Violas are looking good though. This the wall area though, or at least most of it out side of shot on either side is a bit of a mess.. Not a bad start huh? Only wee’d a little moving that big stone thing by ourself because we couldn’t wait the half hour for Pablo to come back from school but thats okay that’s what the pads are for. Glad we looked at the pic tonight as a parenting incident has us feeling awful. First we couldn’t find our phone when we were sure it was in the kitchen but we didn’t think much about it, its a phone very easy to absent mindedly pick up and put down again. Pabs was all “I dont have it you can check our drawers if you want.” After a bit of looking around in various rooms he suddenly announces he’s found it in the bathroom. Wierd but not impossible for us but when we unlocked it.. The stuff in search bar on YouTube.. He had been watching YouTube on his computer Gumball episodes. Theres been a couple time...

Its nice when the May depression, impulsiveness, pain and other awfulness turns into getting things done and feeling good about it. Always wish we could more than but not as acutely as we used to, Last few days we havent been taking so much codiene, at night to help us sleep, because thats when hug starvation hits worse even if it hasn’t had us heartbroken and really struggling all day and because we know we have been taking to much for to long to just not take any. Yesterday we banned ourself from gardening or playing in the mud until we did some housework and the kitchen, bathroom and hall are much less eww. Today we weeded the shady patch, put the new fancy fern in, rescued the not so fancy ones that were burning in the sun, used the three in one to put nails in the wall for wire (got lots of the glue/filler/sealant on hands and arms), planted Clare the rose (got it from David Austin its named after his daughter) with rose food plus rooting fungus and a speckled evergreen shrub. ...

Rose is here. Has a couple of little buds on her. Still in her pot and there she will stay until the rooting stuff arrives and we have cleaned the house up a bit. Seriously. Dishes, some hoovering at least. Never takes long to clean bathroom sink and its a very satisfying job once its done. Tiny kitchen floor to. Wasnt gardening today. Too exhausted from not sleeping Monday night then getting stuff done outside because it was warm and because we hadnt slept we werent mentally and emotionally crippled. There was a couple of times today we couldn’t not sleep and it was awful how we felt during the dreams and when we eventually got out of the false awakenings and woke up for real. Lots of semi lucid looking around and saying we definitely not awake yet. Not doing a very good on not spending so we dont end up with nothing. Summer clothes for myself and the giant boy. Needed. He is down to one pair of shorts and i need warm weather trousers that fit too since we havent miraculously gone ...

Went over our ankle on a broken paving stone someone put down as a path out the back, splat onto concrete. It was before any wine had been drank and we were glad there wasnt any retired folks around to try and help us get back up. We hadnt eaten much and often get clumsy when we havent eat enough. Too busy getting essentials in and being thrilled at being able to do so. We still get suprised when we see money in the bank. Its like when people say “hi” and comment on the weather or something and we feel so much better, like we are considered a person, a citizen like anyone else. There is plenty in here that wont let go of anything, that counted all the losses personal and material and knowing that helps us let parts enjoy the present without holding them back and weighing them down with too much truth and context. Anyway our ankle recovered well but the elbow we landed on and took the worst of it seems to have gotten worse everyday since. Knowing the simple shock of it is gonna mess ...

Pretty awful most of today, pain, nightmares, nightmarish pain and painful nightmares. Did some washing and dried it on the line. Cold sea breeze today but still perfect blue skies. Seedlings watered to but other than that not out much. Just to smoke fags look at the sky through the trees and watch the 100s of little birdies, they are loving my big patch of dirt to bathe in. Both the 26th of February and the 17th of May falling on money days this year thats pretty good so is the fact that we are not just ignoring the dates when we know they are close. Tomorrow I think we feel is Julia’s. Maybe we should pick a day for ourself? The day we moved here maybe but feels to soon for that. Really looking forward to ordering our rose though and a big bag of dirt. Looking at it and looking at other plants and shrubs really help out when we woke up in the small hours last night. Asleep around 1:30ish not long after posting here awake again before four in a state. Knee pain becoming horrible ...

Crazy excited because we have chosen our rose and read a bit about how to look after it. Deflated we have no one to talk to about it. Day sleeping today to catch up on what we didnt get last night despite the physical excersion. Stopped expecting a day of unusually high physical activity will lead to good nights sleep thats not how we work. Fuck the nightmares though, there was some pretty complex and entertaining stuff cant remember enough to describe much, it was circular but instead of the last cycle making us vulnerable and determined to be victimised the next time we were just prepared. Think it was a response to privilaged abusers trying to convince us that things will be a certain way and always was, always will be, there is nothing anyone can do to change it and us going “unless they dont and something else happens”. There was some cute actors in it to but one was into speed and another was a normal young man. Common theme of being both in a filmed work of fiction, watchin...

Not sure what the pain levels will be like tomorrow but seriously chuffed we eventually got it done. Almost there.  Fuck yeah Told you it was a monster Took most of the time that junior was a school. Very grubby, seriously sweaty job in the heat, didnt think we could do it but what with the hand saw that wasnt lost in the flit, the big fork and next door lending us stuff to we got it fucking done without the wall falling on us or any other serious injury, got a cut finger that Pablo put a plaster on and nettle stings on our elbow but that’s all. Have to wait to get dirt and something pretty for the spot but thats cool we need to take it easy for a few days anyway there was a fair amount of sawing and brute force involved. Lots of cups of tea, smoking donated fags and reading stuff an archeology mag puts on line to keep us going and not extremely over do it. Tired now but anxious too. Rape in dreams again, we had friends and hang out in a bar with them a lot a...

My god what a difference it makes to have neighbours who are not only not commited to trying to have us raped/murdered/permanently physically incapacitated/sold/chained/catatonic/lobotomised and have had some success in doing so with others and over many years but who are actually caring and helpful. We are no longer without nicotine and that has made us feel a hell of a lot better.  Ending doing a bit of gardening, chuffed with our beds they should end up looking quite stupendous and smelly lovely to. Pink lavender, night scented stock, cosmos, some livingstone daisy extracted from a root bound tray, oops, petunia, lobelia (trailing from seed and string of pearls plugs) pansies of course, sweet pea from a car boot sale, scented geraniums great but not worth going hungry for, a variety of pinks to go in dark blue plastic pots, some other shit. The grass isnt so good we havent been watering the seed enough and the back bit is still carnage but there will be enough calories and no...

No baccy, no tablet, no bread and no tea bags now either and of course no support and no weed.. according to pill packet we missed a day which will be why we are yucky and sore. Started using Pabs old fire kindle but its crazy short on memory we need some distraction. Ran out of batteries for the xbox last week to so pretty fucking grim. Cant see us not buying as soon as we can this time, went  several days last time before nightmares and isolation and heartbreak had us reaching for anything we could grab and all we can grab is baccy, from a shop. Gardened today, to keep us distracted because it was sunny and because pain wasnt at levels that stops everything. Horrible having to stop at though knowing we couldn’t just munch and keep going, knowing we couldn’t keep dodging the tears. Pablo suggested a board game and we were reluctant but it was actually a really good idea, played the one he picked enough to not get overwhelmed and super stressed over the rules. He wasnt happy abo...

Not liking the nicotine cravings.. Not like we’ve been strong and felt ready. We just have no money again. As well as that our tablet has died. Its not taking a charge, tried different chargers made sure they worked on other devices but nothing, no charging graphic no attemp to turn on and shutting down again, press the power button, hold the power button for a minute.. zilch. No signs of life at all. This is quite upsetting. Our tablet games can relax and distract us and we always need that but with the nicotine withdrawal and the nothing we can do about it and cant play on tiny phone screen. Super upsetting. We need to not go through this again so we need to not buy when we have the chance again. We also need to manage the cash better. Got some lovely plastic planters but no soil to fill them and a shortage of basic essentials.. “marked impulsivity” yeah yeah.. still think all the kidnapping, constant hate and manipulation, starvation, terror, torture surviving and genocide witnes...

So ickle for a lot of today. Filling out capability questionaire always gets us messy. Out of baccy. Hope we dont buy when we have cash again because hate the not having, the cravings. It gets all linked up with other stuff we have had to go without, like food, heat, care. We are worked, children used as weapons others profit, take and pretend they are intelligent, compassionate, talented people when what they actually are is designer slavers who have their entire existence mapped up for them before they were physically conceived with little to no self awareness ever. It hurts. So much. All the tine. Miss you and love you Billie, Mom xxxxxxx

Looking at online short courses and postgraduate options, going through a cycle we’ve been through many times before. It starts usually with reading an article and wanting more, feeling inspired, thrilled we can read and be engaged again, hopeful about online options, then disheartened by fees and funding options, then triggered by remembering what happened when tried previously to expand on our patches of education and fractured mind. Think Burke told us we were suited for global history, we are definitely fascinated by seeing the similarities between the specific and the universal. Particularly in terms of ourself and our experiences, seeing our brain in those maps of pre WW1, noticing the similarities and interdependence with domestic abuse, UK authorities stuff and the international high roller trafficking. How now matter how strong, intelligent, resourceful we are we and how well connected we temporarily were sometimes we always end up isoltated, crippled and with nothing, like...

Grass/bird seed we planted yesterday got watered. Three whole watering cans. Did some leg exercises in the morning to, not many but something. And we made food in the evening, marinaded some pork we had deforested and had some chicken instant noodles with it and it was pretty tasty. Would of been better with some greens, monge tout and broccoli but if we are not going out to pick up codiene when we have none we are not going out for veg either. Traumas pilling up on us day. Fucking crushing. Dude has dug out an old Halloween custom and has been wearing it mask and all so we had to tell him to take of the mask we couldn't handle it. Just feels like all the lose, all the heartbreak from being little added to all the horror and agonies ever since and its awful. Not going to be picking up ends of the street though because we bought yesterday. Because we could. Not so bad that distractions don't work at all and we are so grateful for them, watched Dead To Me, bloody brilliant. ...

Its all fucking lost isnt it Graham. Their all dead or good as. Back in the late eighties a woman who wasn’t our mum told us to to get to attatched as they probably wouldnt make it. She was the closest thing around to a carer but we were never sure about her and not just because our real mum had told us it was unlikely any one would be able to care for us for long no matter how much they wanted to. They were all sleeping on camp beds wrapped up together Zoe, Robbie, Er, Nicky and Lainey. We weren’t sleeping we had had work to do. Someone said hi to us on the street the other day. Not a local. Bloke, teeth missing in a UPS uniform and we cant separate the image of him from no Lainey. In our sleep today we were wandering around asking people where she was, used our time through out the night to look a climing roses for if and when we ever manage to pull out the beast broom. We said something to you about Ally’s brother didnt we? Fuck all is clear to us but we dont care much about that...

Fairly caught us off guard didnt he the old cunt? Not that he was that old, one time there was birthday cards out and although it’s unlikely to be the actual date of his birth we couldnt look away from them, couldn’t not think about how all this shit ages people, twists and rots our bodies and souls. It got us in touch with a deep sense of usness we needed though. What we fight and why, a cold and relentless sense of purpose and pride. Cancelled parents evening, was getting close to nauseous over it as the day went on. Zoe would of told us to. Its not essential, teachers can be talked to over the phone where there arnt loads of other parents. Phoned the docs about fitness note, thats been laying on us pretty heavy to but if we dont do it we wont be able to pay rent or eat. Wanted to ask about seeing a doctor about giving us some short term anti anxiety meds but when the receptionist said the note woukd be available later we couldn’t bring ourself to push it. It would of most likely ...