Not liking the nicotine cravings.. Not like we’ve been strong and felt ready. We just have no money again. As well as that our tablet has died. Its not taking a charge, tried different chargers made sure they worked on other devices but nothing, no charging graphic no attemp to turn on and shutting down again, press the power button, hold the power button for a minute.. zilch. No signs of life at all.

This is quite upsetting. Our tablet games can relax and distract us and we always need that but with the nicotine withdrawal and the nothing we can do about it and cant play on tiny phone screen. Super upsetting. We need to not go through this again so we need to not buy when we have the chance again. We also need to manage the cash better. Got some lovely plastic planters but no soil to fill them and a shortage of basic essentials.. “marked impulsivity” yeah yeah.. still think all the kidnapping, constant hate and manipulation, starvation, terror, torture surviving and genocide witnessing particularly as a little kid is relevant when it comes to labelling us with a personality disorder.. We well ordered considering everything we have been through its your shitty slave dependant cultures that are fubared.

17th on Friday. Another probably not our birthday. But more likely than the 26th of February. There will be food options then to. Doubt we would be day time pubing it if the weather is nice because of rhe money and because we would rather garden. Gotta get that shrub out. Its really starting to bug us but we not been able to do much.

Theres some internal tantrums going on right now. We sick of being let down so much we don’t expect anything better and a quality of life kept of our reach because deprived human shaped hate machines reel of instructors saying it should be so.

Cant be absent mindly going round the news sites now we can find our objects and scape our garden without breaking sweat. The worse times is when there is shots of trump from 80s or 90s we really struggle. Feel physically ill and so fucking angry and so deeply disappointed and disgusted by so many people. And that old deep sense that we will never feel at home. We nothing or a slave, thats is close as we get to options.

But we know theres more. We are always far from a place where we can process and truly understand what it all means for our shitty material and social life. But it does mean something. Its not over. Gotta believe there be life not surrounded by so much unlenting bull shit and meanness. Fiction will be for stories and entertainment and life will be organic and spontaneous again.

We will be loved for helping bring that back. Even if its not acknowledged or appreciated in our lifetime.

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