Mummy I think I’ll really need weed.

Crazy excited because we have chosen our rose and read a bit about how to look after it. Deflated we have no one to talk to about it.

Day sleeping today to catch up on what we didnt get last night despite the physical excersion. Stopped expecting a day of unusually high physical activity will lead to good nights sleep thats not how we work. Fuck the nightmares though, there was some pretty complex and entertaining stuff cant remember enough to describe much, it was circular but instead of the last cycle making us vulnerable and determined to be victimised the next time we were just prepared. Think it was a response to privilaged abusers trying to convince us that things will be a certain way and always was, always will be, there is nothing anyone can do to change it and us going “unless they dont and something else happens”. There was some cute actors in it to but one was into speed and another was a normal young man.

Common theme of being both in a filmed work of fiction, watching it and still being in the story and experiencing it as real all at the same time. Not suprising as that is what our waking life has been like.

 Mum wouldn’t leave us on our own. That means programming continues. Remember objecting to it and trying to convince her we would be okay we just wanted all that shit to end but she wasnt having it. We were going to object further but we saw how pale, hurt and exhausted she was and how unbelievably awful it must have been knowing what they were going to do to her and that nothing we could do to stop it. She wasnt going to hand them me there was no options there and she drilled it in that no matter what happened or whatever they had us believing was going on we must never do the same with our children or it really would never end.

“There is only one way to stop it and you are it.”

There was so many false awakenings, Pablo reminded us of the term, during the dreaming today. Over and over thinking we were out then realising we were still dreaming. Remember the flying thing and for a while and we were above everyone with lighting shooting from our fingers as people tried and failed to attack us from below. Had trouble thinking enough happy thoughts to stay in the air in a controlled way for long though.

Saw a photo at one point, Gracie when she was tiny asleep in a tree with a leopard spot onsie on and one arm stretched out like cats do, think it was in a mobile home we seem to be visiting a lot recently and thinking its where we live. Would of been cooler if it wasnt for the scribbled note that a troubled kid from Cadam had written “boobs” all over but we could still make out one bit where it was written about our old cat Merlin that we had to leave in Aberdeenshire and got run over being in eternal sleep. Our murder soaked mind is freaking out a bit at it but its maybe about our fears for her during and after puberty. Our rape soaked brain isn’t comforted by that thought.

The desperate search for cannabis still pops up in them regularly. Feeling increasingly cynical and fuming about that now. Our mind would really appreciate a break from the most traumatised aspects of our mind but no one is helping. Its not fair and its not like we need lessons in how unfair shit is.

Looking forward to ordering our rose soon and getting stuff ready for it. Need to put wired across the wall. Pablo is exciting about getting some D&D dice. We are not. Its good he’s writing character sheets and working with numbers but the spectrum obsession thing can really overwhelm us. Think he feels the same about us and gardening which is fair enough. Its that thing though when even when the depression is crippling and it feels like time has stopped, the flowers are still growing. Gave everything a good feed today they will need it what with these days of beautiful blue skies. We will endeavour to be minfull enough of the migraines and hopefully avoid them. No flea powder or iffy cannabis to trigger them. Should help.

Try sleep? Dunno. Sounds fucking scary.

There’s been a shift in our DID internal phobias, can allow a bit of thinking in the third person. Beyond our upfront little. Basically it means we all loosing some of the terror associated with knowing you dont know much about yourself and where you have been and who with. Feels good, being petrified of your own self and most of the truth is never going to be a comfortable way to live. Very long way to go though but we feel like we are ready in the right direction and not waiting for there to be a right direction.

Still so scared of having to endure more nightmares though even though our eyes are heavy.

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