May the filth..

Grass/bird seed we planted yesterday got watered. Three whole watering cans. Did some leg exercises in the morning to, not many but something. And we made food in the evening, marinaded some pork we had deforested and had some chicken instant noodles with it and it was pretty tasty. Would of been better with some greens, monge tout and broccoli but if we are not going out to pick up codiene when we have none we are not going out for veg either.

Traumas pilling up on us day. Fucking crushing. Dude has dug out an old Halloween custom and has been wearing it mask and all so we had to tell him to take of the mask we couldn't handle it. Just feels like all the lose, all the heartbreak from being little added to all the horror and agonies ever since and its awful.

Not going to be picking up ends of the street though because we bought yesterday. Because we could. Not so bad that distractions don't work at all and we are so grateful for them, watched Dead To Me, bloody brilliant. Shows with only one serious though.. Been giving Love a go to but there is too much fucking in it so think we have to give up on that. Shame because the characters are pretty cool.

Know its good we are aware of it but wish we didn't get so prone to accidentally on purpose self harm when we are like this, not wanting to cut but if we are holding something to hot we will are more likely too just risk it rather than put whatever it is down and get a towel. Its impossible to pay enough attention to what we are doing. Don't have enough energy to self care but its an internalised sense of it not mattering if I'm in pain either and other people are going to hurt be soon enough anyway so what does it matter?

Probably best to not try and force ourself to do more when we are like this as accidents are much more likely when you can't be careful.

Knowing a lot of what made us feel like this is gone helps but its undermined by not being able to do the things or feel the way we would of it hadn't always been going on.

We got a cool son here with us, we got a full tummy and tea and fags, we got another bank holiday weekend without new traumas. That's all really good.

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