..dear reader..

But the mornings have been rough as. Apparently thats what is does for the first couple of weeks, causes tierdness. It's wierd sleeping all that time and still feeling like utter shite at half 8 in the morning. Still feeling shite at 10 and 11, gettin there by 1 2. The good stuff is low, but I'm not too considered. I don't need to go to far in an emergency. Nursery tomorrow, time to clean up a bit. There is at least a possibility of daily study with him at nursery. Once I've cleaned up a bit of course.. asked to exchange numbers, I'm wary of letting things go to slowly. Jeez I'm tired..

You have to mark them sometimes, let the little mes, slutty mes,the angre mes all come to day table. Even if they are medicated, drunk, quiet, wont eat anything but chocolate, or nothing at all. We got out. I wasn't sure if it would happen but we made it out to the shops, parks, a picnic and a fair bit of walking. No egg rolling, but lots of egg eating. I cooked a chicken in my messy kitchen, mashed some tatties, microwave veg and gravy we both scoffed a fair bit. Still haven't written back to virtual but will. Happy death day, let all that violence, mortal and otherwise, bubble up and mix with the telly and the day's needs. Buy the pink wine, smoke good canabis, write whatever needs to be said, said it if you can.

and a small spliff to get me over the years of survival instincts that tell me not to touch the pills. Another shit scary leaflet. It pretty much knocked me out the other day, we'll see how we go but I doubt I will be taking them in morning. Too much order to create as mother would say cleanliness to impose would be another. Emails between me and dark and handsome everyday, he doth make me laugh sometimes. It really should make me cring a lot than it does all that archaic language and romantic flourishing. But I seem to be getting embarressed, and blushing at it more than being repulsed, which would surely be the more natural response. He must be hiding something with it all though, Julia Roberts Pretty Woman best film, really? hmm. It's just so great to be speaking to someone who makes plans to spend all day in the library and says I'm beautiful. Nothing wrong with that, I just hope he isn't the sort that takes himself to seriously, hate that.

I gone through 1 and a half creme eggs so far. I doubt the big egg will make it through the night. Okay so I'm not studying, I am writing which is something. I am preparing my brain for the work that is to come.. Chocolate is good brain food. I have to go back to Izzy's promise. I will be able to talk about the diagnosis there. Maybe I will feel a bit better afterwards and not stirred up and in need of a pint/sedation/hour long hug etc.. The egg is broken. New promising view. I also get old guys and youngish local who dont put up photo's. Frustrating, shouldn't be on if you dont have the balls to show your face!

quite a long reply. I've been chatting with Zep but he's rubbish. Very limited notion of 'flirt' think he expects me to keep telling him stuff when he doesn't give much back. Don't think so. He's from Motherwell anyway. Get the feeling he is looking for ass to take out all the frustrations from his last relationship on. Not mine. Very handsome is writing longish interesting emails. He's a bit of a poet to even though he has a masters in business managment. Very interesting, educated thoughtful banter. He uses mock classical thous and shit sometimes which would probably make any one but me cring to point of vomiting, just makes me feel warm and fuzzy. 1 Easter egg down, should I break open number 2. It's probably going to happen. It's not than unreasonable to exptect support from support services that doesn't make you feel worse. Every second I spend talking to people whoes job involves making judgments about me and who disag...

Well the resiridone might make me eat more but at least I can keep my eyes open after taking it. Tried the new one today, no frisbee, no parks, just the boy pooping his pants at my computer and me asleep in front of the telly. bollox. Bastard doctors. Reading the leaflet scares the crap out of me. I remember heart problems and seizures that arn't in my medical records and wont be taken into consideration when meds are given. I'm not sure what to do tomorrow, supposed to take 2 at night and 2 in the morning. Theres no way I'm taken 2 in daytime but I need to leave it a couple of days at least to make sure I've given them the a go. I've got an essay due on friday, bollox. Wish gp would give me a hand remembering when I need refills to! I suppose I have to show I can manage stuff like that. Don't even have the energy to write back to my lovely eyes.

It is April after all, when the sunshine warms more than the earth. Difficult questions answered 'what do you write about?' from very dark very handsome and 'what do you want to get out of the site' from adorably cute. Answered with coherence and intrigrity, hopefully and better spelling than this. Late nights early mornings from the boy are taking there toll wanted assisinated old pal for being rascist this evening. moaning about pols, espically the criminal ones. give them a break their from fucking poland for christ sake. if coming to Scotland to commit petty crime is a step up then on you go, there is always plenty of local neds to make sure they dont make that much profit. Got new jeans today, helped by a lady who just happened to be there and saw us. A younger women held wee dude's hand crossing the road too I don't think they are all special needs. I wish I could accept it a bit more warmly though the assistance I got and we get from strangers. Sh...

I was going to write about it but couldn't work it out, watching to much Al Jazeera, head full of the foreign policy that contradicts the rhetoric. I didn't want to think about Americans in those terms. It's at 109 now and still no Africans or Italians. Not as sure as I used to be that if I could I would go to New York as I used to though. It feels like a lazy dream, a dream that doesn't attempt to think about other places where wierd chicks can fit in. I think if I'd of gotten anything decent from the tribunal I would of bought something in Ireland even if it's still to bloody northern. We could of had our garden, a home of our own... boo hoo Godot - tomorrow. Seriously though, at least its started curl up with the dvd and the text for a while and I'll be almost done. Then it's vegatarianism which is a fair bit easier for me to get philosophical about than pornography. A lot fucking easier. And a break from studys to write once these cours...

Poor wee man needs out more a few rounds of boxing on the wii just isn't going to do it for him. Just put a good couple of hours in on match.com. It's hardwork, sent several emails and chatted to some fool who calls himself an alphamale. Cute, to but you can't be cute enough to make that excusable. Running out of blokes with nice eyes within 50 miles of where I am to contact. I can't get myself to message. I feel ridiculous but I'm having fun enough looking for something in their profiles to respond to in an email. I think there quite witty but arn't really getting me anywhere so far.. There was a bloke who mentioned in his profile that he couldn't get masculine peg bags. I mailed to say my mum made them from pillow cases and coat hangers and all he needed was a masculine pillowcase. I was trying to be cute but maybe its aspberger literalcy.. There is poet/scientist in glasgow who I had to mail, with a thumbs up smiley and an x. Sure he probably ...

Back in my urine soaked buckled office chair. I didn't pee on it, my son did several times. Cbeebies games much more involving than body functions I can understand that. Its just that this room is my bedroom, it's carpeted. It has study area and is quiet beautiful underneath all the books, scribled on paper, toys and all the other human crap. No actual poop today though. Living room is truly spiffy, its worth the pain, even if that washing thats been out for two days gets rained on tonight, its not a big deal. Tomorrow is penny day and as supplies are very low we will be going out early. He's eaten all the apples and the dairylea, he's got megamind on now. Wasn't in the mood to tell anyone on match.com they have lovely eyes. No reply from Zep hope my style of flirting hasnt scared him of. poof. Shame, his eyes are very involving..

Last's night's shenanigans got me some long overdue moon bathing. Helped me think about Chapter 1 how I want to mix the sort of philosophical writing I did in my early teens with the sort of outlook that inspired it. The fantasy, otherworldy elements that was an element of the complex rationalisation of some groups that I like and maybe miss. I always liked pictures of wizards, fairies and all that sort of stuff and struggle to keep those parts of me safe from all the putrid perversion.

He fell asleep in the car and woke up after midnight just as I was slipping into proper rem sleep. Now he's watching strawberry shortcake and I'm grumpy. Do I battle with him to get him back to bed, theres no way he will stay awake until tomorrow night which would lead to a repeat performance. ug wheres my overtime cash. Hefalump movie, fireman sam torch, back to bed for mommie x

So sister's lad was arrested and isn't allowed to see the girls. It's troublesome on so many levels and the chances of me being told whats actualy going on is pretty slim. I'm sure heard her saying 'don't tell her you know whats she's like about stuff like that' over Christmas. Meaning that I have made allegations about members of the family that hadn't been backed up by other members of the family. Nothing like accusations of sexual abuse to get everybodys' paranoia up. It would hardly be the first time that someone has been wrongly accused. He did make me uneasy, but everyone makes me uneasy. That same way of winding up little kids and partonising bigger ones that my dad had and makes my skin crawl to the point of turning inside out. The youngest is so excitable and the older very self conscious. The vunrablitly my family has due to the difficulties in facing up to things terrifys me. Shit could happen again and nothing would happen a...

He totally thinks that the meds are going to take away the 'delusions' and they are a little bit but the delusions I suffer from are not that I was sexualy abused but that I fantasys I have that so and so wasn't invloved, or this or that 'couldn't' of happened. He did listen to me talk about possible asperbergs though. Said I wouldn't be going on nights out, I said I've only been out once and was very, very drunk. He also weighed me and told me get more excercise and eat more fruit and veg I didn't hit him. So it not all bad... badboy gave me his phone number in that first email but no photo and hasn't replied this I asked for one. His probably giving one to someone closer to his age. I am not crying. The interesting ones don't wink at me it's mostly just old boys and utter utter mouses. Good news from friend but slightly considered I'm just letting things go, housework, body and debt wise. B was driving me back, the sky...

Arse. He did smile a bit more though I appreciated that.

Beautiful day again, still a bit messed up with pain to catch much but spent time with neighbour who was sitting out the back when I eventuly got round to taking bins out. She was telling me about goimg to a spiritualist, her daughter, local kids and ghosts in the building. I'm supposed to be good at that stuff but I rarely pick up on anyone. The presence of the 'not supposed to' spirit is usually to prominant. Which means I cant control it and don't know what's happening to me. Auchswitz gave me seizures, thrashing about on cold wet concrete soaking it all up eyes fixating on shiny shoes. I can't speak to the dead there is too many of them and its too comfortable, knowing how powerless they are. would be on match.com already if had two pounds in my bank can you believe that? But at least I know now to phone up and see what I get offered rather than just paying online. I am genuinly excited about it, interaction with the opposite sex! no pressures I do...

have it! the idea to link all my mad whore ramblings over the years. I written the first draft of the introduction and am sure about the title for know anyway. Of course I have instantly lost confidence in whole thing but can see myself plowing through to get an intial draft down using notes and seeing where it goes. It's the later drafts that will be hard and hopefully the most rewarding. Bit of pain, lots of pain even, tearing through the rations. The high strength codine seems to be assisting the chapter headings and sending of new song was all done under the influence. Wish it came easier without artificialy lowering inhibitions. Fuck it, think match.com might be getting my money after all, got an email from badboy24 wouldn't mind seeing what he has to say. Mad isn't it readers, intelligent young woman fighting and strugglying against violence and abuse and who does she want to talk to? Badboy24, messaging would probably be all I need anyway, then try and fi...

Magma turned down my life work, bastards. Nevermind, I really need to see it somewhere so will keep trying. Beautiful day, even made it out into it for a while. Got icecreams went to park, went to morrisons for picnic, don't think I've burned of many calories. Been wishing I had the money to give to match.com but can't really justify it went I'm wandering around in clothes I'm very literaly busting out of. Anyway I've got another dyke night coming up. The plan was to get all the bull shit out the way last time when pissed and I did a not bad job of it.

didn't take dude out today even though the weather was nice, still haven't properly cleaned the kitchen either which is starting to become urgent. Too much pain and mario kart playin. Until the batteries ran out. A little help from a friend encouraged a bit of streching. Thinking about forgetting about mental health and think more about physical. I sit and smoke worrying about it when I've got neglected asthma. Not clever. Good to work some of the tension and bad fat from me. It makes me feel so vunrable, the inhalers: brown twice morning and night (essential), blue when necessary, Antidepressant, antipsychotic, vitamins, oils. And of course there is there really loud voice in my head screaming about women with infections and no pencilin, money paid to scum bags for drugs that are basicaly poison and a million other horrible things going on because people don't have access to proper medicines. I think about what I've gone through that could have been ma...

Place is pretty minky but we've been out in the spring time, so pleasant when outside it's unpleasant. Warm winds, rich sweet smells and birds giving it laldy. Big wee man running along with a big grin on his face and his curls all bouncin. Fair bit of regret about not making more effort at the the tribunal or at least taking up more of their time. Giving bastard holiday advert and get a flash of that gotafukootathere feeling. There will be more holidays... surely.. He's happy, but he would love more, more outings, more traveling, more pals, more clothes, bigger variety of food... Even with money I would probaly be a bit slow on socialing him sometimes but he doesn't have big sisters making his life a bleak foreign film. emailed of 'psalm' which sound definitly shoulg be called 'song' and is only called psalm after a girl I never quite got over, despite her being 80% bam. No reply yet but its only been a couple of days, someone is bound to. Th...

2moro will be more outwardly productive, I'm ready for it. Need my study area back and need to stop small boy from pooping over it. He's mastered the mouse and switching the computer off and on again, not bad for a three year old. Haven't been in the mood for decorating boiled eggs or going to the park much, mother's day is often pretty tricky. They usually catch us before our first peroid, as far as I can remember that happened when I was 9 or ten, I'm 32 now so that means I am possibly a gran. I was walking home from Oliver rehersals, commited to slashing my wrist and I saw someone I knew he said I had post natal depression. I couldn't remember anything I about it but he had a girl in his arms who was about a year old, I couldn't take me eyes of her. He said it wasn't her but she might be as well, I didn't believe him. I'm always a bit suspicous of information from people who arn't actually physically there. I think Toby was afte...

Work on Psalm, before any furthering indoctrination into Western philosophy and hegenomic artistic criticism.. like if I'm going be here I may as well make a good job of torturing myself, its better that than leave it to others because they're just not as good as it as I am.. The old title is better, psalm espically given the remit of 'scared and proface'. Trevor Nelson's Soul Show, oh why oh why can't can't he put this show out everyday, now that would be theraputic. Of course it might not be accepted, it has a very good chance though, so it what I do for a while right poems about ritual abuse, novels about MK Ultra subjects. Not that big a step. 2nd year literature course first, then a 3rd year English language... and of course the philosophy is going well maybe I should give it a bit more of my soul to classify like well fingered letters in a sorting office.. Anywho.. least I can relax a bit more knowing I'm not losing interest.. Who needs ...

No shock. The police were asked repeatedly though, but nothing. So no AI, no disney land, no car, no garden. Went for a consolation pint afterwards, 3:40 can you believe that? Looks like I have to face the debts after all. Bastards, no one is bothering about paying me back, but why would they I can't even send a strongly worded letter. Streaky can bugger of, we died It was me that took so long to notice. Most people don't plan to start having relationships in their 30s but there is nothin I can do about that now. A little bit, every day, work on habits I don't like, figure out what I need. Got the boy's afternoon place sorted, its goin be pretty good and getting better. It was far to much to hope for, thinking I could get a bit of comp then put all the questions and answers away. Maybe the novel is getting clearer, a diluted me who gets the money. I could really enjoy writing that. Tonight I dream in Trevor but am haunted by women. That faith in me I ca...