April 15, 2011
So sister's lad was arrested and isn't allowed to see the girls. It's troublesome on so many levels and the chances of me being told whats actualy going on is pretty slim. I'm sure heard her saying 'don't tell her you know whats she's like about stuff like that' over Christmas. Meaning that I have made allegations about members of the family that hadn't been backed up by other members of the family. Nothing like accusations of sexual abuse to get everybodys' paranoia up. It would hardly be the first time that someone has been wrongly accused. He did make me uneasy, but everyone makes me uneasy. That same way of winding up little kids and partonising bigger ones that my dad had and makes my skin crawl to the point of turning inside out. The youngest is so excitable and the older very self conscious. The vunrablitly my family has due to the difficulties in facing up to things terrifys me. Shit could happen again and nothing would happen again until it was pretty much too late. At least I enagage with services even though they are ignorant and hegenomic because I need to know that if shit happens the kids wont disapear through the gaps. Something that reminds me of how I may appear to people sometimes, espically with the asperbergers, the ptsd, the meds, the past. I know there is issues here but I am doing everything I can to address them. Hoping of course that I'm tough enough to survice the onslaught of uneducated conservatism and patriachal ideals. How can anyone look at someone and say they weren't raped when they have looked you in the eye and said that they have. To come into someone's home when they have just flitted and count the dishes by the sink. I am the only one who really knows anything about keeping the kids safe but the delusional disorder diagnose totaly undermines that. But I need the support, I need to be working with someone to sort this shit out or I can't get out of bed. I can't get a referal to anyone else except through him, the waiting lists are huge anyway. If he had supported me I might of had a shot at that tribunal. It sucks.