April 02, 2011

no comp

No shock. The police were asked repeatedly though, but nothing. So no AI, no disney land, no car, no garden.

Went for a consolation pint afterwards, 3:40 can you believe that? Looks like I have to face the debts after all. Bastards, no one is bothering about paying me back, but why would they I can't even send a strongly worded letter. Streaky can bugger of, we died It was me that took so long to notice. Most people don't plan to start having relationships in their 30s but there is nothin I can do about that now.

A little bit, every day, work on habits I don't like, figure out what I need. Got the boy's afternoon place sorted, its goin be pretty good and getting better. It was far to much to hope for, thinking I could get a bit of comp then put all the questions and answers away. Maybe the novel is getting clearer, a diluted me who gets the money. I could really enjoy writing that.

Tonight I dream in Trevor but am haunted by women. That faith in me I can only accept when it comes from a woman. He has a feminine energy I am fascinated by, but telling him as often as I did wasn't such a good idea... I get moods since the tribunal, that presece and weight on my wedding finger, it doesn't matter who as long as it right (tart) I've switched and swapped personalities too much to believe in the 'one'. On the other hand, the issues I have, had mean that realisticly there wont be many that can make me really, really happy, really, really me.

He likes his creature comforts, a bit like my dad in that respect. I'm not as keen to tidy. That same self assuredness, that makes me curl up like a pussy cat, home. A warmth I only felt in my Scottish mum on warm, well fed, well smoked days when my Scottish dad wasn't making her misrable. But they carry it all the time, centered in the flesh behind their wallets but constantly pulsing outwards.

Won't read, scared of the work.

The beach today lovely. But flinch at every brush of bodies, going stiff at every hug, hating myself for having spent too much time with beautiful people to go back. Despising and adoring myself for having the past and personality that made me stick my nose in the air and say 'no' when offered everything I have ever fancied.

Stay with me in the morning, seduce me into doing the dishes and running the child before I give in to the ghouls and love's labour lost.

blah, blah