May 07, 2018

Its not personal its genocide.

Actually genuinely enjoying May. And in Fife. Fucking weird.  Not being in a state if petrification. To enjoy the first warm days and not be indoors feeling awful and hateing that I can't bare the sunshine and feeling like there will never be any kind of sunshine for me. Doin the drinking gardening and smoking thing without making ourself ill with it and not having moments when we cry or suddenly feel like we are going to. Looked after our skin today last years barely used factor 15 and proper lip stuff to. We have dried out and burnt our lips a few times all the fire stareing isn't good for them either. Its so good to not hit trigger walls every time we want to take basic care of ourself.

Took a load of waste from the bottom and put a few of the baby shrubs that arrived yesterday in. Parts of it get a fair bit of light down there.The shrubs flower at different times of year.. I think. And the thing growing out of and under the steps has finally been properly removed and not just cut back and swore at. Was gonna look them up properly but haven't of course. After the blokes have had a go at that the hedge we will figure out the what to do with others. The two in intensive care after rolling around and being buried in snow in and out of their little 9 inch pots and didnt die are showing growth.

Gotta go back the shop of decent bargains for home wares and giant marshmallows to get another one or two of the cone wall planters that look amazing and don't need brackets. Gonna fill one with the big bright daises that Margo had in the Glen a couple of times and we never forgot.

Its giving us so much pride. We couldn't sleep on Saturday night when we saw the forecasts.

Realising we can't afford to do fuck all this week has put a bit of a dampner on us. We will always think we are the middle of the good money weeks when its impossible for that to always be the case. We will try beat the hedge back as best we can until we can afford to pay the professionals.

Having a garden and being financially, mentally, emotionally and physically able to work on it and enjoy it doesn't make everything okay. It doesn't some how undo the genocide or the torture of pregnant girls and everything else we have been forced to witness. It doesnt mean those who have been or are in positions of authority have any less serious questions and charges to face. It doesn't make this a safe place for us or somewhere we are happy to be. Some of those that walk past and glance took part in the murders and operations that make and keep us alone here. We can't forget or forgive that. We are not being left alone because people have suddenly become antislavery or no longer antisemitic or misogynistic or sadistic or all for truth and reconciliation we stopped being constantly attacked because we stopped it being constantly organised.

But we can know this and still enjoy what we have. Knowing that our relentless hard work, intelligence, our sharing and us as a awesome violent force is behind every flower that blooms is why its so special to us.

It would be wonderful if this was the year when every moment of existence and every cell in our body no longer had to primed for survival but we don't think it will be. We can see us being joined here by someone but that has often been a lot more possible than people knew, or cared.

Damn last few draws on last spliff. Damn.