May 03, 2018

May

Spending all the money on the garden.. Can't stop. Gonna get the hedge professionally cut. Fuck it gonna get a gate. Its gonna cost fucking everything to get it put in but it would make us disgusting happy. Have to stop ordering growing stuff if we are gonna do all that. But we have ordered a few good deals and have just remembered we are out of compost..

Love that we are watching the leaves appear outside the window and feel glad, excited maybe even safe instead of loss, terror and heartbreak. Its really starting to sink into our shadier parts that we are walking around with a star on display and not thinking about it. Its changing how we see our face in the mirror. Helping us integrate. Helps us be.

There is bits when we feel like anything other than permanent hyper anxious over vigilance is complacency and dangerous they are wrong though, it's much harder to fight when your already exhausted. Sometimes we get glimpses of how its been, how's it felt so much of the time but we also have insights into what we didn't have before, where other parts have been and how much they achieved and much we were and are loved.

Its a much more alive sense of fear over rapidly approaching violence than the usual sickeining resignedness that's always been the case down here.

Once we get the gate in we are probs gonna start really not liking the concrete path and steps. So far out our budget, physical skills and extremes we want to go to make the landlord money though. Not sure how to pretty up concrete.

Wish sometimes Margo was here to see what we have done but we couldn't get anything done in that limbo after some much relentless trauma, knowing she was dieing knowing she had pretended I was here daughter, knowing she had pretended so many other girls were her daughter before they were murdered. Knowing she wanted none of it and knowing that we were her best shot support of any kind care at all and we hated being around her.

I think during a call with Laura she said the stuff about us being next and us saying that at the time when a real difference could of been made we couldn't wake them up but that we were not alone with that stuff like she and Margo were. Then we said we thought our real mum was still alive when the first and most powrful layer of programming and arrsmging of our deaths it was that long ago. Either way we weren't programmed for it, no where near it. Even if we had our support would and will stop it. Sick fucker controllers and programmers were incapable of getting that we knew at a very deep level that we would never work for them no matter how much they enslaved us we worked for good people and our main job is to not die and espically not to be murdered by fascists before they have had time and opportunity to help.

Apparently it isn't going to rain tomorrow, we can do more clearing. Hope its not quite so damn cold though.

Its so exciting not be so heavily enslaved all the time and having a garden and a little bit of money. Some solar lights are on the way.. And we havent got pictures yet but there's a pair of blue tits going mad for the fat balls we have been putting our. We've seen them feeding each other. So cute.

Love you Mummy
Xxxxxxx