no he's my only Daddy

It was a long day until the hash showed up. Tablet games and some Amazoning and adding to saved songs but the pain just getting worse and worse. Washed down the second doze of codiene with Cabernet Sauvignon and strawberries. Helped with the hour or two before the first spliff. Horrible night mostly but something made us wake up in a weird laugh, it wasn't enough to shift all the anxiety dreams hangover but much better than how we woke up before that. Teeth falling out again and a bunch of other worse shit.

Daddy David. We can't say its good or a relief to be able to write that and remember. How could that ever be true after they way we were treated, the way he died. We did not treat other like that though and it is better in some ways to be in a place where we are longer keeping it all at arms length because survival dictates, to feel our internal splits and parts more without having to constantly enforce tunnel vision. Other people to. Its good that they can look on us know and not have see how much we are not here and not be able to do a thing about it.

But the glimpses into the specifics of those final years are something we have always had as a high priority to not have to go through alone when we no longer have work we need to do.  Its as undoable and unfixable in a different ways but as permanent as our enslavement and his death. Within the system it was all they same though. They were the same thing but we could never write off every single individual on this planet like that we needed not to even though the science and the numbers were very clear. We believe in free will. They did not and could not put every single person through regular prenatal torture and programming or cut and replace everyones' mind.

He would of fucking loved the garden huh?

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