I hate all the bullshit Daddy Menzel and I hate being grateful because its been so much worse.

It's more than we or anyone else forced to live under that NHS number got from them but we hate celebrating the fact we don't get quite so much overt verbal and physical abuse from NHS staff. One tablet when required we have said that only taking 2mg at once actually seemed to cause more anxiety, a trigger more than the drugs can help us with. They know about Margo and Laura who used the same practice and gave up on them to. The way the old male GP talked to us when we asked for more after the police pushed their way in and forced us up to him after lieing to us by saying we would see a more subtle less overtly abusive female GP was disgusting. Like we don't know how those that don't resist get anything they ask for handed out to them.

That female GP asked us last year sometime if Louise Johnston (26/02/79) was still alive.. She said things were changing but we said I was an empiricist and would need to see change, to touch it before we could believe it. We know every tiny lessing of the abuse from anywhere is a result of our own endless exhausting work and its not going to just magically improve now that we can't and won't do anymore. We even had a brief conversation about all the raging institutional antisemitism, we said we knew it to be older than the hypocractic oath, considerably older. "Goodness!" I think she said and looked back her screen. And not much else was said. We have seen a couple of others since then but the look they fucking give us.. Same as with the access to cannabis, what do we need more, the meds or to limit our expose to hate from every level of society.

The diazepam has meant that we have eaten well today and brought down our heart rate. And we have painkillers to help with the pain tomorrow.

Been looking at the texts from cannabis suppliers just coz we are desperate, for context he check saying he had none for weeks and we for narky with him and said we didn't believe it. He actually phoned up after that which we really appreciated coz it was a voice on a line talking to us and we said we believed him and apologised, said I was struggling but the next time we asked this is what happened..

Cant help thinking he told someone we got narky with him and they told him to not let us get away with that even if we said sorry for it. But maybe thats just our trafficked, isolated and tortured and forced to work in various pretend nation states, genocide survivor, "every point of contacy", breeder paranoia.. dude has apologied in the past a few times because he said he didnt believe something we told him and then saying he believed us later because someone who never talks to us told him it was true.. Words like Fascism to sound smart.. The great Scottish education system..Not mentioning or giving a shit about the drug selling child rapists meth heads next door but bringing up his own kid in a threanting defence way..

We haven't remember any incidents of Danny/Kieran shooting at us and attempting murder yet which is more than can be said about Lionel/Lee the guy selling us pee before. We used another employee of next door filmimg us as a human shield and moved ourseld to the side so the through and through hit the wall. Same young tool tried to blame us for " making" Fred say the year was 1956 when we asked him if he even knew what fucking year it was one night last year out the front. Pretty sure Danny was manning the border at the hospital though making sure no one decent got to safety and making it harder for the antifasc to help any kids or vulnerable folks on the fasc side.

Hope the screenshots will stop the "you will get something to help as long as you put up with our smug bullshit, general heartlessness and triggering you to fuck" texts.. The £5 girl is a slave incubator. She was carrying a female Menzel, Romanov fetous that she was allowing them to torture as much as they liked but we forced her to abort by punching and kicking her in the stomach when they had her in the flat to pretend to be me and so we would bond with the unborn. It was horrible, Horridge just dissociated on que because she was taking a beating from someone not on her these people are allowed to beat you list, if you dont remember being over powered then it doesnt count is the theory I think.

 We couldnt let our baby girl, couldnt let her time in the womb be one of regular distress and programming, couldnt let her be born into all this, where all the formal authorites are official safe places and people are those that pose the worst risk and do the worst damage, we coulnt let her know nothing but rape we couldnt let them turn a child of amazing unknowable potential be turned into a rape bot that would be unable to stop her amazing brain be used for genocide and anything else horrific they asked of her.

We cremated the poor little thing out the back in Fintry so they couldn't experiment or mess with her tiny corpse, she will never have to experience the breeding, of groups of adults that included her guardians and people in positions of authority physically hurting her and shouting evil untrue shit at her when she was just a toddler. She will not be hated by kids her own age because of the blood in her veins and because those other kids are told to. She will not be told that people are coming to help her if she just keeps working and follows instructions for a little longer. She will not have to see what is done to people that do care for her.

 Early second trimester I think. Volunteering for work like that means the incubator gets lots of police, lawyer and local protection and as much drugs as she likes. Scotland man, such a friendly and tolerant nation.

Definitely passed the point of pretending there might be real people, or just people who don't want to kill us to sell us drugs or just accepting that this is how things are and we have to keep dodgying bullets, knives, gob and let the verbal and the ridiculous bullshit just wash over us. We've got to much hope for getting Sonny back, and too much distance between us an the worst of the torture and programming and Niall, Johnston's etc. And feel closer to older real family members to.

Went out last night to sit by the fire for a wee while. Even a tiny distance change of scenery can help.