really really really hate it here
Idina was already there. Hiding in between the bails in the field that is on your left if your driving up the hill into Kirkton of Skene, on your right if you are driving toward the village from the primary school or passing through from Westhill. She said our name and we felt a massive emotional response to hearing it even though we didn't think we knew our name. She blinked when we called her Idina and looked almost confused when we called her Idina and ran over to her to sit next to her and hold each other and shake lots. We said sorry for calling her that and said her name was Laura. She shook her head and we said we were sorry and something about her not being Laura and I was not Louise. We almost laughed. I said I thought Idina was my mother's name and both of us started to remember stuff before the screaming, the cracking the sick exaggerated fake laughter and the hooting got really loud again. We cuddled in closer to each other shaking more again and barely breathing. I almost didn't see Elaine run past. She was shaking and struggling to breathe the same as we were but even more covered in blood and shit and ran over to us and joined the huddle.
It was getting dark. At one point some bloke walked around the hay bails looking for us but we stopped him from seeing us. Something we had done many times and have done many times since. He wondered of shouting in a Scottish accent but not Aberdeenshire or city accent that there was no one there. After a while we could return to our half crying have gasping for breath. We weren't sure if hadnt seen us. Then we remembered everything they said and did sounded fake because it was they weren't real people and didn't feel real feelings it was all programming and remote control.
The screaming flashing and shouting lasting well into the night. Sometimes one or all of us was sick. We took it in turns to dissociate. There were boughts of bitter bitter burning tears. The worst that I remember now was the sound of little kids screaming and screaming. Such a horrible sound. I had to try not hate myself for the moment of relief when it stopped because it meant the kid had been slaughtered. We would have moments when we felt terrified that it meant we were becoming like all the murders and rapists. We were so glad when we told the other two this and they told us we would never be like them. We could see how sincere they were and we believed them.
Eventully it grew quiet. It was a night like tonight. Almost full moon lighting up the trees and fields, making the odd cloud all silvery. Beautiful but not much comfort. We talked sometimes, shivered a lot. Doing our best to keep ourself and each other warm. Drifted in and out of sleep but never all at the same time. Idina asked how we had stopped the guy from seeing us. We told her and taught her as best we could. I remember coming round at one point a watching Idina looking out over the fields and saw the look in her eyes and feeling so very certain with no doubt at all that she was going to survive all this. We understood why Louise liked her so much.
We were all well prepubescent. I thought Elaine was the youngest but they said I was, Lainy hadn't had a couple of years with our mother and we felt so bad that Scotland, abuse and genocide was all she knew. We knew she must be very remarkable to have made it this far. She said Louise helped her. I remember at one point when the screaming was still going on and had been for hours but was getting quieter we put our hands together and swore we would get the people who were doing this, we used their words I guess, "We will get them for this. Every mother fucking one of them."
The three of us spent a few nights there over the years. Sometimes with others, sometimes not. Sometimes we were spotted and we started killling back. The shits would end up running from us. "Big men" running and stumbling away from three little girls. We would shake and cry a little less each time we spent there. Talked more, thought more, planned and shared information more. Our conversations would stop during the worst of it and then start up again when it subsided like it was just traffick passing. Even laughed more.
It was getting dark. At one point some bloke walked around the hay bails looking for us but we stopped him from seeing us. Something we had done many times and have done many times since. He wondered of shouting in a Scottish accent but not Aberdeenshire or city accent that there was no one there. After a while we could return to our half crying have gasping for breath. We weren't sure if hadnt seen us. Then we remembered everything they said and did sounded fake because it was they weren't real people and didn't feel real feelings it was all programming and remote control.
The screaming flashing and shouting lasting well into the night. Sometimes one or all of us was sick. We took it in turns to dissociate. There were boughts of bitter bitter burning tears. The worst that I remember now was the sound of little kids screaming and screaming. Such a horrible sound. I had to try not hate myself for the moment of relief when it stopped because it meant the kid had been slaughtered. We would have moments when we felt terrified that it meant we were becoming like all the murders and rapists. We were so glad when we told the other two this and they told us we would never be like them. We could see how sincere they were and we believed them.
Eventully it grew quiet. It was a night like tonight. Almost full moon lighting up the trees and fields, making the odd cloud all silvery. Beautiful but not much comfort. We talked sometimes, shivered a lot. Doing our best to keep ourself and each other warm. Drifted in and out of sleep but never all at the same time. Idina asked how we had stopped the guy from seeing us. We told her and taught her as best we could. I remember coming round at one point a watching Idina looking out over the fields and saw the look in her eyes and feeling so very certain with no doubt at all that she was going to survive all this. We understood why Louise liked her so much.
We were all well prepubescent. I thought Elaine was the youngest but they said I was, Lainy hadn't had a couple of years with our mother and we felt so bad that Scotland, abuse and genocide was all she knew. We knew she must be very remarkable to have made it this far. She said Louise helped her. I remember at one point when the screaming was still going on and had been for hours but was getting quieter we put our hands together and swore we would get the people who were doing this, we used their words I guess, "We will get them for this. Every mother fucking one of them."
The three of us spent a few nights there over the years. Sometimes with others, sometimes not. Sometimes we were spotted and we started killling back. The shits would end up running from us. "Big men" running and stumbling away from three little girls. We would shake and cry a little less each time we spent there. Talked more, thought more, planned and shared information more. Our conversations would stop during the worst of it and then start up again when it subsided like it was just traffick passing. Even laughed more.
