exhausting being awake, exhausting being asleep

Was asleep before midnight! Woke up at half three needing a pee and didn’t get back to sleep again.. Docs appointment is on the list of shit we gotta do, our heart rate keeps us awake and progressive muscle relaxation isn’t helping enough. Hope they actually help with a reasonable drug at a reasonable dose and quantity. Sleep and less anxiety when awake could make so much difference over next few weeks, forgotten how it feels to get more than four hours sleep.

Glad we were motivated for a while to do a few things done. So glad this is happening now and not before when we were so ill we couldn’t cope, dread to think how it would of been handled and how much worse the pressure would of made us.

Not too worried about Frank and cos threats to follow us wherever we go, probably pretty empty but the size and the nature of the rings here is a factor in us needing to get as far away as we can. It will bound to get out though and we haven’t forgotten about Pabs teacher saying she knows Bill but that doesn’t mean they will get our address straight away. Likely to get out through police, business and council employees though. Its bugging to say the least to be talked about but not have anyone to talk to. Last I heard Bill is enjoying his retirement without serious housing, income, health, primary carer of young kids, lack of family support or harassment issues unlike Margo. Cant think too much about that it drives us nuts and even colder.

Fell back asleep, unavoidable we were useless. Dreams fucking awful, they did resolve themselves through lots of fighting and had happyish endings. Satanic gang that took over Laura's home, trying to carry it on when I lived there.. "Please dont cut me".. Wasn't holding back much on what "Satanic" involved lots of graphic details on that. It was pretty much the same dream twice and we remember waiting for lesbians who escaped and fought there way out the scene ending for some kind of resolution before we would wake up. Still feel all messed and shaken up by it though.

Best take it easy for now and not think about how the hell we are gonna manage house viewings. Guess if people could or would help us we wouldn't be in this position. It will be so worth it when its done.

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