..dear reader..

Its been easy to not look directly at it. Plenty things on the calander to distract and hide it all behind. There has been attemps to reach up to the front of house to try draw attention to it. Whatever it was that would veto that wasnt something not many of us could consider challenging and whatever it was is gone now. There is no definite need to keep it at arms length anymore. It's the kind of thing we had to be confident was so buried that no amount of gloating or more active attempts to trigger the memories and feelings would fly over our head so we could stand firm and just look them in the eye and let them all see whatever they were attempting was not having the desired effected. The opposite even because so many of us know what they are doing and know what we are doing to defend from it and are very certain there is no way any of them can get round it. It gets quite therapeutic watching them getting more and more desperate sometimes. But then we went back to how it was. ...

It's whatnowism but it's also our over developed cynicism. We know the fact that we are here and not there and no one is calling, or coming round or shouting shit acting out detailed but ignorant plans to keep us feeling shitty and that this isn't something that anyone on at any level would of wanted. We know the brain of an adult is not going to be able switch to pumping out confidence and motivation chemicals, fully able to acklowdge, develop and exploit its own potentials after a week of not seeing people and places that had essential roles in the most unsurvivable events We have been through. It's not a developing brain, it's all grown up biologicaly anyway. That feels like a lot to mourn. We did write before the move that we were worried about how much it would take for us to do it all alone but over the last year it isn't something that has gotten us down there just been so much relief, it's back now though. Wasn't particularly aware of its retu...

There is moments when We are really unsure of what to do with ourself. There is an old fear of the consequences if we are not doing precisely what we were told to do and if we found that we had ran out of instructions it would mean some really awful attack would be about to start. There is also the will formed with whatever we could find left in ourself that if and when it was possible for us to be comfortable and do absolutely nothing alone then that is what we would do for ever if possible.  There's the dreamers to, they wanted to do things usually creative and also alone but there is still the small voice from a very small girl that believes in people and believes time spent with them being honest but hopeful and caring will make lots of things much better. There's lots of others to heartbroken trying to find away to bring us together whilst not having figured out a way to articulate their own needs but there is a cautious relaxedness and relief that often feels like it i...

It's gone. It's taken some of the poison from the worst times from before and after moving to Dundee. The details are high up on a shelf in a locked box and we have no motivation to try and find the key. The extremes of we were put through feel in the past now and not stuff that we are still going through. Thought we might be a bit more motivated to re organise and find places for all the stuff taken from the dresser. Weirdly though we don't feel inspired to go through all the existing drawers to make space. We wrapped a couple of presents instead and covered them with a sheet, that will do for now until we have finished sorting out the cupboard. May have to buy more storage boxes but don't to buy anything that isn't definite basic essesntials or xmas presents for Pablo or Us. We had to make promises serious promises to get ourself here last year. We said we wouldn't attempt to sort out the benefits straight away if they didn't use the ESA form and they d...

I think we had came on it when scouting through the miles of remnants of what was once someones living room and I asked one of the boys what it was and what it was We stared at it for a long time or what counted for a long moment at that time and place. It felt like it had been awhile since there had been any day and night, . The boys roamed and kicked through the debris looking for food ammo or something useful without any enthusiasm none of wanted to be there and it made the exhaustion worse. We just stared at this thing. Can't even remember specifically what it is now but it was something not unlike the shit we surrounded ourself with and shelped dragged hawled across Scotland through poverty flits. Shabby Chic, tea light holder, hearts and butterflies made of metal or wood. Floral things from decades ago that look like they could be easily picked out through charity shops. Couldn't believe how many large boxes of it there was when flitting last year. The image of i...

Momentus event next week. The big dresser is going. Don't think it's just it's literal size and weight that weighs on us. Must of got it when we moved out of highly unsafe refuge to really unsafe flat in Dundee but can't remember. There's always been some hidden bad associations with it that we have really struggled with. Next week though. It goes. There is going to be some serious room sorting and beautifying. There will be room to give it's mirror that isn't going anywhere and we don't have swampy suffocating associations with a proper clean, there's a large whitish streak down it that I believe is from an arm pit explosion and knowing that is jarring with the hippy chic loveliness. Feels really right thing to do to mark the first anniversary of being here and not there. A lady from PIP was round. They phoned the day before so we didn't have too much to overthink it and get debilitating anxious and lots of new details about appoitments with...

Hi. With all the sorting out, moving around and getting of new shit Laura's painting has ended up on a wall almost by itself and it looks right. The stupid giant dresser is still around making every around it a hassle. We are going to have to get that thing out of here by our self, down that narrow staircase. Then the short distance to the kerb. It might not be impossible to get help in that area and are beginning to accept the possibility that it is impossible without. The new bedside table here and its the same height as the bed and making us feel like a grown up. It's very gorgeous if we can get the giant dresser out we might get something else of the same or similar range. So still a sucker for wicker baskets in small simple wood frames. This has a little drawer.. and a pattern on the basket linning. the kitchen the kitchen. It's really a cool place to be now and the little padded chair is something we should of thought to get ourself long before now and we would t...

So here we are. In bed with a turquoise fluffy hot water bottle and clean cotton bedding. In a room with a wooden table by the window and stripy colourable table cloth for eating at, for doing homework and hopefully soon for Us to colour or paint or write at with a trailing plant in a patterned purple pot hanging in macramé above it. We are in a seaside town in Northern England where people smile and say Hi and no one has spit or at either me or the child yet as far as we have noticed where we read Virginia Woolf and scour Netflix in flesh with it's contracting uterus, drippy urethra, aching locking knees and badly scarred arms, smoking habits despite wheezing lungs making sure we stay grounded in violent realities that our mind keeps mostly hidden whilst she slowly exposes the events she needs recognised the most, the times of enforced immobility that we needed to be escped to be survivable. At long last the phone very rarely rings or peeps and we don't have pretend to that...

The plan for today, shower, attend the big little man's eye appointment, eat food, a little shopping then come home, rest then make a start on the kitchen, change the bedding, maybe do more work in his room but after a two course meal and two glasses of wine after not having much appetite for weeks the 'rest' became hours of sleep with weird but not totally awful dreams. Nothing productive happens on waking so still in my grubby pit. He is sitting in a gamer chair with his feat on the silky pink rug he choose in a little clean island. He actually should of gotten his butt out of the new comfy chair we put together last night and into bed ten minutes ago as ordered but Is feeling pretty crappy. Stupid cold keeps making a come back and its not surprising considering our fucked up sleep and appetite and how hard it is to get outside even with these beautiful Autumnal days we've been having. It's that run down, depression, unhealthy habits cycle after viruses that is s...

Best boost for Hidden City, free energy and a seriously higher chance of finding items, it got Us too excited though and didn't have enough tools so kept losing though. Activated it to force a decent break from gutting the child's midden. Half of it is not like a midden at all now, the area around his desk gets absolutely disgusting. Its a grab big items, use a dust pan and brush then the broom before getting the wonderful new Hoover in about it. There is a carpet join that's falling apart so will get him a new fluffy rug for under his feat to protect the carpet, cause he loves fluffies and will hopefully encourage him and me to not let it get so bad. His chair and coffee table came today but there isn't the space or stamina to build them yet.  Hope to have a bit more done by the time he gets home from school tomorrow. My room is of course just getting worse, as all our energy is going to his room. Had clean bedding for days and am still in a grubby nest because afte...

It was a piece in one of the online new sites about anti Semitism, specifically ''blood libel'' and Jews being blamed for missing and murdered kids. It's not the first time we have heard about it and it brings back smaller brain realisations and anger about peoples being accused of things that they were close or sometimes exactly things done to them. Not that we believe that all anti-Semitic communities have ritual abuse at their heart but it's not that we can feel any surety that this hasn't been the case either as we don't have much experience of communities and societies that haven't had internal, mythologised and central practices of rape, murder and enslavement while assuming rational civility outwardly. Gaslighting as social norm, a major industry and export of the West. We got the abusers history that said they were and are behind all human culture everywhere, social and technological progress and the outward public history which denies the...

There's no way any of that was real. I can remember giving one of that little gang a kicking out side the house in rotty and I think I remember the one I was supposed to have had a thing with standing with them in a show of 'see I hate you for your DNA to because someone who doesn't give a fuck about anyone said it would be materially beneficial to me' but when the streets are full of people intent on doing me and junior more serious harm is not when we get effected by tricks pulled to make us think we have had relationships that we haven't. Clearly or we would be dead or worse long ago. Been think about the afore mentioned again. All the efforts there has been over the years to get us to say where he is and how they can get to him. Thinking if they tortured me enough he would show up, that's an obvious ploy and one we thought of when we sent him away. They don't believe it when we say we don't know, that we can't just summon information on reques...

Did help last nights post. After we still felt pretty shitty but we did start remembering more than just hell. A male, and not an afore mentioned one either. We have been feeling gay recently what with thinking about Louise and seeing Zoe from Nurse Jackie adapting to the loss of most of the men folks in Godless (oh my) so of course we are going to remember intense physical experiences and serious commitments to a male.. I'm not interested in writing much about him, if it's you your gonna know. It wasn't some fuck with the dissociated slave by making her littles think some excessively attractive person from the telly is gonna come back and rescue her if she just does what she's told. Not like there has been many genuine flings. We starting kissing and didn't stop until an extremely loud alarm floored us both. He looked to for a sign of what might the hell might be about to happen but we knew what it was about and were just rolling our eyes and swearing so he laug...

Week two of shitty shitty cold virus. Closing my eyes just puts us back there, under blankets that there isn't enough of, no heating in the room, single glazing. Symptoms just dragging on and on. There's no past, not future. Just an awful present. The virus making it impossible to distract our self from our core, of not just food insecurity, lack of physical care and Margo's unpredictability, the chance  of a slap from Lynne or someone or much much worse it's all these things and the living with seeing the torture and deaths we have witnessed of people who would and in some cases did do what they could to keep us warm and fed well and the attempts at our own life and the knowing there would be more. The uniforms, the accents, the connectedness and the privileges of the killers. The knowledge that left us with, the understanding that there would be no safety and no healing. The annihilation of what propaganda described as normal childhood, we were forced to believe in...

It didn't work. We read a bit, wrote a bit. Then avoided sleep for hours and hours. Amazon always good for avoiding sleep espically when you know you have issues with impulsiveness and indecisiveness. Finally ordered clothes for junior that will hopefully fit him. He cares about clothes even less than We do (going to start with We meaning me us, we deserve a capital) so even on the couple of occasions We dragged him into a clothes shop he wasn't much help. So today we have been sleeping, feeling shitty, eating and bugger all else. Going to give it a better go tonight and not find excuses during the window of sleepiness. Think it was the writing that partly stirred us up, the exact opposite of what we intended. Yep. Too tired for fear of nightmares. But then bladder got us up and now we are very small and very upset and very  alone even though we have  been remembering  being helped in the  past. We keep the feelings of people saving us or phoning as long as we...

The night nurse has been helping but think its the kind of illness that makes us sleepy and that's always preferable to being kept awake to feel rough as fuck. Did a little today, dried bedding, tried out the new hoover, put new bedding on all of which resulted in serious out breathness and severe sweatiness. The shopping arrived just before he came home from school so we were quite exhausted and grumpy after getting it all up the stairs. Decent lunches for us to help us recover. Too ill for vino but got brandy to aid with night sleeping, drinking it in tea with honey like we do over winter fest and strangely enough ended up looking at advent calendars after our soak. Pablo's wanted a quite pricey and because there was money there we could get one our littles are all excited for. Little lego tree decorations.. Little fingers are craving lego quite a bit. That's good. We defended ourself against Bill in a dream recently, stabbed him repeatedly. Gruesome but better than aw...

Well if I'm gonna be flattened by a virus Pablo has taken home from school for us it's not so bad if the worst of comes of a day when new cotton pj bottoms and very soft fleecy jumper arrives. We are well coordinated, it's all about the duck egg shades, the new stuff, our duvet cover, pillow cases and the towel on the bathroom floor are all pale greeny blues. We particularly like it against the vintage pink bath mat.. What's not so good is the house being a bit like after moving in because there is so much boxes and stuff everywhere. Will be cool when we get it all organised and get rid of the overly large dresser, chuck out or donate stuff and stop keeping things we never use. Including the new flares that are supposed to be a size 14 but are closer to 8 - 10 and we don't send stuff back, our mind freaks at the thought of that. The only other new stuff fuck up is plant pots that were supposed to be for in doors but are huge. They will be good for outside though an...

Stuff from Amazon starting to arrive. Very cool except for the cardboards boxes filled with paper and another cardboard box. It will all get in the recycling bin eventually. Bit worried about spending too much and equally about going for cheapest options that are not fit for purpose and wasted cash. Hope arrivals tomorrow inspire me to make flat nice been slipping. Usual reasons, pain, mood, not sleeping, sleeping during the day. Psychs today were talking about sleep hygiene, was sent away from a leaflet that we haven't look at yet. Even if we could (and we can't) get daily exercise, use relaxation methods, not eat much or drink tea in the evening the sleep fear is still going to be there. As lucid as our dreaming can be its not lucid enough to be able to get away from the misery themes that have been the basis of so much of lived experience and the things we are afraid because there was a real possibility of happening when we slept are not all things we could discuss with N...

Some of the songs we have been listening to recently reminded us of it and inspired a mental note to look up that Mazzy Star track. We had already gone from noticing and no longer disregarding the memories when it came on without us looking for it when we stuck on a made for you Spotify list.  There wasn't any 'I think..' about it, it just was. She stuck with the name because it was the easiest for both of us to remember and because it really pisses the ranks of slavers when their efforts to completely alienated you from yourself becomes a basis of empowerment. Then when Pulp's Common People come on after the memories on lying on the bedroom floor in Skene together with getting seriously, consensually and intensely physical for the first probably last time with her or anyone. As younger kids we had collapsed on a prickly forest floor together when we could run no longer and were sure we had lost them but had to stay low and still we were so overjoyed at finding not j...

Too much feelings to eat. Had a wonderful walk today though. Really wonderful. So glad we moved here. Been missing our old house though because it was a house, a kitchen with space for a table, a microwave AND chopping board space. Missing the pusses of course to but not the shed next door, the summer days and evenings of constant unbelievable verbal and all the night time violence we can't remember but know we walked away from when others didn't. Don't miss the piss, puke, flea infested carpets and how they were a constant reminder of how we are seen and treated and how nothing we or any one else did or could do would change that. With have trees outside some of our windows here and no spitting when we leave the house just people saying hello. It's kind of impossible to sufficiently distract ourself from everything we were put through and couldn't acknowledge at the time by ourself. Not that we wish to always avoid all of it but to have some help at doing and be...

Feeling different today, this evening rather as we were awake all night and slept most of the day only woken by the posty getting sight of us wincing at the light in a grubby giant tshirt, sweaty hair and tracky bottoms we couldn't fit into but needed something to open the door in then when junior came home. Maybe related to yesterday being the eighth of September, there is no one upfront sharing what the significance of that it's that when we were doodling a week or so ago it was written and didn't come with the typical drowning suffocating crushing sense that comes with horror anniversary or upcoming events. It felt clearer maybe even a little sparkly. Sharp solid edges in our consciousness are the visible tip to whatever is underneath the thick solid ice that separates us and recently we been thinking about how Graham helped us recognise how much of the awfulness had not gone down as expected. None of the programmers, abusers, slavers or rapists that had gotten into t...

Very glad to have found a new spooky thing to watch after devouring 'Somewhere Between' and there being no chance in hell of going back to the latest serious of American Horror, not just because we prefer some historical context and distance with our horror especially since it's centered on violent Trump supporter. Maybe it will be more watchable when the Trumpster fire is over but it just seemed so trope packed and totally lacking in any nuance or real creativity, not that we got very far into it. Way too fucking soon, way to fucking heartless, a fucking homage to nihilism and no one needs that, not even nihilists coz they don't fucking care. Our new thing is 'Ghost Wars', which has what we like in our creepy entertainment, an isolated beautiful physical setting that makes us long to live there, the dead messing with the living, a freaking out cast that's talks to people that aren't there and who is the only one who can handle whats going on, Meat Lo...

Been smiling at the date. September 1st. Has this been out first summer ever without serious abuses and/or trauma? We did hear a little girl say something like, 'I like this garden don't you Dad?' and a male voice saying he didn't because it was 'chocked with weeds' have to presume that because we heard them so clearly and mine was a bit weedy at the time that they were talking about here. It did have us feeling stuff that we recognised as triggered, even weeks afterwards we kept finding ourself thinking about the way he talked to her, the accent and how it was very much the type of thing that would happen daily in Fife when things were going okay. That petty nastiness and the sense that so much of things we overhear from strangers are scripted. We are not bombarded with that feeling every time we are exposed to any person ever as we were. Thinking this has us easing up on feeling guilty and mournful over not going out more, not going places or doing more thing...