August 16, 2017

Good luck America

We have been craving proper writing, actually crafting and leaving and going back instead of splurging. We hiding in the phone games and the nice feeling in our flesh while remember how horrible it's been without going back there.

We feel both loved a fought for daughter and wife and the handed around slave at the some time with imploding or denying too much. The spectrums of us don't seem to conflict and deny each other like we always used to.

We would be were free but we have remembered what it feels like and we don't feel pretend we can get where we need by people who have never helped us in the past suddenly having a change of heart.  We are comfortable in the limbo because we feel so much more centred than we have for a long time and much less dislocated. Less trapped in manipulated cycles of emotional trapped in trauma parts and more like a human who has been treated very badly but has found some space now and is able to do a not too bad job of appreciating it and building on it.

There's a sense of maybe having made it and the worst really being in the past. We don't know what else to do with it but acknowledge and welcome and sit with it. There is also a strong sense that we are writing that because we feel it and it's real and not because we want it to be true and because someone horrible has told us or someone they are forcing to pretend to be us. It's us and we are saying it because it's true. We arnt wishing some order to have us put permanently down was or is successful we can face them and not have to fear our broken parts seeing them and make an attempt to get us all out forever. We have all the same protections we always have but now we want to live, we have real tangible hope because of the break in the violence, the distance between us and the fake family and because we have a much realer sense of ourself.

We said the Fascists had taken over and were endlessly consolidating and making it public to as many people as we could. That was our job. It's all out of our hands now and we are so fucking glad it is. All we need to know is phone home and we very rarely stopped doing that for long anyway we just had to stop ourself from knowing and that was so horrible it made us puke every time to do it and we don't need to forgot or pretend any more.

We can think and feel about what being white and Scottish and female and how its all a state stamp, another cog in very old systems of British people who kept slaves before and on much smaller scale than the mass rape of Afrika and had no intention of giving up those practices they just hide it and more. We are needed for the wars that protect the innocence of the populations. We are needed to hide any sign of our own existence and round and round it goes.. Capitalism is Supremacy is tolerance and acceptance that some slaves always exist somewhere its a shame but it''s human nature and a tight control on ideas and cash.. If it's human nature how come soo much violence and investment goes into making it happen and stopping people from knowing and discussing it?  The fucking scale of the cover ups. Impressive but not invincible especially when all built on such genuinely ancient tech and philosophies. Seriously arcane bullshit.

Thank you husband for helping me understand why people here are so mean or worse to me here and thank you for doing it in a way that made me feel empowered and certain we were strong enough to survive and for being Daddy when he couldn't.

Yeah she doing my head in and reminding us of her connections to Fintry but the new new one seems really cool and much less triggering. Thought about going for a walk today..






































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