August 17, 2017

We had to say no. It's gotten to us anyway. It's a shame but we had her number for a while and needed and never used it because we couldn't handle the exposure to bullshitting addictism. We feel all kind of triggered and get mean and defenceive in the hope of jarring them to a halt but we know its too late for our mental and emotional well being and the attempts at damage limitation just replay later and make us feel worse.

We need the space though and she isn't going to pick up on us having needs that arn't drugs. She said she has bad problems with paranoia and as much as she wants our weed and she has helped us in the past we don't think she needs to be looked like she is a cross between Laura and Elaine and we definitely don't want to be looking at someone and thinking that.

We are okay but we feel its a bit of a meaningless thing to say in the context of this blog and the number of times those words or similar have been said when it wasn't true and few in here believed it was even possible any more.. But we kinda are..

Did some weeding today. It really is cool what we have done out there and it is nice to see it and enjoy it and not forgot that we did that work and we did it for us. The littles and olds don't need to worry we are not going to be pulling out by there roots if we have to care for them by ourself. There is shrubs on the way.. a collection of about six they were cheap before but there were down to just over a tenner we had to..

We wrote your name in pen last night. It wasn't easy but it felt so important and healing once we had. Even if we still have a toe or two on "we're just mad/programmed/it's not true"

There's lot's of happy signs and remembering stuff from so many different times. We are doing good, really good with most of the trauma that comes up. It's been accepted that it happened and we don't need to fight with the denial or a perspective that is centred on it and being horribly treated and nothing else. Stuff comes up sometimes that has us struggle to not feel how it did at the time but because so much other stuff isn't having that effect we can keep in touch with the relief that has been bringing and not get overwhelmed. The powerlessness to protect or help little kids is not something we will one day wake and feel okay about but we are starting to feel other things to and that is lovely.

Hope to see you soon.