August 27, 2017

Drank too much because it was sunny and pal was stressing us out because we wouldnt let her come over for a smoke straight after she got home from hospital from an OD. That whole not wanting to eat food because it would take her stone away thing.. we don't wanna be around a constantly in crisis addict who shows no interest in taking care of herself because it ruins our high .. and our recovery..

We woke up at half four covered in sweat. The airport/town that isn't Glasgow/uni/big old dirty ship/Glen dreams at sea dreams are all mixed up and we don't have that same anxiety, lonileness and desperation in them. We know we are going to get lost and wont be treated well or helped by all the other people we don't like it but we have accepted it is what happens and we don't feel we will be there forever.

Some abusers broken and owned so they could preform the roles of breaking and owning us but they were back to being lost and tortured kids not the solid muscle of hard hate and denial they became.  It's not as convincing when we are not desperate to know where everything is and be accepted. The sense that it all and everyone continues as it always has without me isn't the same. When we are not frantic the attitude of the people seems less indifferent and smug. Like their indifference and smugness depended on our lostness and our calmness and ambivalence undermines their everything..

It hurts some of them when we are not happy too much to help us or themselves so we have to stay as safe and warm as possible. We know we need to be careful about sliding back into pretending especially if we have had too much to drink. The triggery self obsessed neighbour was round yesterday. Ordering christmas presents on her phone and needing baccy.. She went on and on about what she was getting for who in fucking August its was just a pound and was funky stuff but she just show she shows everything and is a bloody bore. We got chips & ribs & baccy we didn't need to split with her. She was waited for her son to lose interest in playing with Pabs on the xbox upstairs which we also thought was nuts and shouted him down when we ate her fill and had tolerated enough. Don't think she was happy about it but we aren't actually happy having her here she's too not there and triggers us to pretty much Johnston levels when we're not here.

We were mostly quite aware I guess since whatever happened happened that we would find it very hard to feel okay or make any progress at all when contact with them was ongoing. Seeing them, Margo phoning even just thinking or being reminded of them put us straight but into the constructed EP who remembers nothing she isn't supposed to and has no reason to not assume she is the youngest daughter in a messed up family who was damaged and exploited further but isn't smart, strong or liked enough to get properly and finally away with new good relationships..

One of the many problems with that is that she is quite smart and couldn't help noticing and thinking things she wasnt supposed to and it didnt occur to the slavers that she could. And she was strong and forgot forget how to defend herself. And she has a family elsewhere that love her and sooner or later the love or the loving people would get through.

 Then of course there is an ye olde switch around and suddenly they never intended to keep me here forever anyway they use me and people like me to keep populations down. But they dont have as many sources for the kind of slaves they used to nor are we being made as much as we used to be either.. So all comes back to me and mine and the work we did against means we can never escape them cause its satanism and there is no way to resist it without destroying your only possible chance of escape. They way it genuinly seems to many is that for us to truely escape would mean the systems were already destroyed or certainly wouldnt be able to function without us and that it was pretty much the same thing but we should keep an eye out for any oppurtunity or different intpretation. We exhausted ourself searching for that oppurtunity. There doesn't seem to be any.

Things change though.

Of course all that "everyone is out bar me and junior" stuff was bullshit there is another junior, Sonny who we could not get out last year. We think he must be safer now we can say his name. Keeping control over the kids and them, how they are treated and the results of their DNA hidden is not something they will ever stop doing. Getting or forcing people to be involved in a conception and then using that child and the death of the child as kompromat is horrificaly standard.

We really hope Sonny is safer and not safe in the other way. We did manage to speak to him and someone even got him to hospital last year so we could see him and more people got to know about his existence, the how and the why and would of done everything they can about it. If we are thinking check lists are done he must  be safer. They really had some of us tricked into believing he was going to get to live with us here and him of course. We don't feel quite ready to move on from that yet.. Love you Sonny.

Love you everyone.

xxxxx