June 04, 2011

emotional to fair

Lots of almost tears, first because I had no blow then because I got some and after that because of Tangled. I will get by with a little help from my friends. Put some shelves up today, need more books now.

Started looking for tweets about ritual abuse and mk ultra. Its making me feel quite positive, big world out there that I am not excluded from because of reasons I have no control over. Whatever I am, whatever I am supposed to be matters so much less when I can feel some sort of life in the present in the future. I have 5 followers, although 2 are businesess and one is a girl who tweets about anal. A share too far.

The guy I met has been emailing and wants to meet me again which is a bit of a suprise but very much needed as I am getting nowhere on pinksofa. Loads of smiles, a couple of messages, updated my profile, added some more pics, fuck all back. Any reply I do get is two words 'thank you' or some shit, hay I made an effort to make you smile there and all I get is a 'thank you' Bitches.

I definitly want to see him again but the formal learner english is getting a bit frustrating. If I don't see him a bit more relaxed next time I wont be so sure. Food and drink I suggested, but food, drink leading to possible sex is what I meant. The language barrier might not be such an issue there. Wouldn't it be great if it was great. Therapy. Of course if it was all abut awkward and unpleasant... He would have to be particulary awful for that. He's so polite, apologiesed when I coughed... Maybe that will make him very attentive, my god I could do with that. Lots of eye contact, holding himself back to wait for wee but controled, not in a manner that puts me off. Or he might ask if I okay all the time, thats pretty off putting to.

I couldn't stop staring at his hands, which is a bit of a clique for a white girl with a black man but they were beautiful, big and slender. ooh err. I was dieing to run my thumb down that line between black and white. I feel very conscious that a part the attraction is against every racist comment I've ever heard by people who are close to me.

It's interesting that I'm doing gene machine Darwinism at the moment as well. I found part of it quite liberating, although it was taught it out of context to try and ingrain determinism in me. I was too smart as many would have known, all part of the trials, to turn everything into something positive. Rape being good because it made it possible for me to murder, and murder could bring liberties, promotion. Anything vagualy cerebal or spirtitual I could argue against and truma made me black out. Black outs mean unlimited access to faculties and no conscious moral code. Horrid isn't it?

Back it feels like gene machine psychology is a good motivator to do what you want. Not just in the terms of sexual partner but in every decision I think about which would bring about improved conditions to reproduce and bring up healthy off spring. What I need to reproduce and rear successfully is pretty much, in my interpretation anyway, what I need to be happy i.e., health, safety, happiness, sanity, in touch with emotions, intellectualy enaged...