June 06, 2011

gave in and installed google spellchecker

I liked the automatic one that came with chrome better, being a lazy sort.

Sooooooo he hasn't been emailing but he phoned tonight. There was something different, flirty in his voice he wanted to discuss arrangements. Wording I didn't think I could ever associate with sexiness, until this evening. It's great not to over think something. Things start to actually physically look different. I can't put years of work, and years of putting long term health before short term, on the meds I've been on for a couple of weeks. I'm glad I did though, say no that is. Fought back knowing the sort of things that would happen as a result. It was selfish, extreme, psychotic even sometimes but it worked. I wanted to end up with nothing, or at least as little as possible that way I wasn't profiting, exploiting the all ready exploited. I knew I would have nothing left to start again and it broke my heart knowing I would never feel the boards under my feat, tinkle ivories, transform lives or just generaly rock. The men and women wouldn't be lined up, for me to pick and choose, get to know or ignore. It was all too much anyway, constant overstimulation. Too much happiness made the worst worse.

Thinking about the does gene machine Darwinism and sexual attitudes essay. Not quite ready to hack on with it though. Writing essays is like a tour of my brain and whatever theories, or faiths that make up the touring coach is exposed as bastard flimsy pretty early. I don't always walk away with a handfull of lovely holiday snaps but its so worth when I do.