June 05, 2011

I think they went in through my eye

I get jealous of the clarity in which other survivors write. They know what happened to them and how did it. No so many poeple want to talk about being handed about between hundreds of people over 20 years or so. And the the lights flickering as they took too much power and feeling nothing. I find sites but they're not current, guess I'm not looking hard enough. I would love just to speak to someone though, 'remember Jersey', 'remember all those castles' 'remember the antamoy lessons,' remember the philosophy, theology, diplomacy, weapons training and being sent to war zones'. I remember today being on the phone to someone from Thames house, I think, security services anyway. I said the rape just made me work harder. When it stops I see the sunshine, feel food in my belly and I don't want war. But with the rape, the manipulation of people I spent time with, the theft the murders made me need to dedicate myself to protecting myself and everything I love. He said it wasn't supposed to work like that and talked quite openly, about it all. Afterwards the phone rung it was an American I had agree to tap my calls, he couldn't believe it. Wanted me to give more specifics, but I wrote it all down, filmed it, and told other people so I wouldn't have to remember. Or shared it with someone before the washes that left me mentally and emotionaly about 2 years old. Making signs with my hands, speaking in symbols. Fuck knows where it all is now, destroyed or in a safe place at the end of the day, from my perspective its all the same, like the faked deaths.

Have seen that four year old painter? Amazing.