June 11, 2011

A relatively successful day

Then why do I feel so bumbed out? Because I flirted behind the back of a non boyfriend, because someone told me god is against gays, or because I stirred up stuff by rereading and posting pages from the past. Or because I'm a bit of a loner and no amount of time on twitter can undo the betrayals of the past. Or because I have no crisps.

Talking to gorgous bloke on match. Too gorgous, I started to feel awkward like I have an extra head. Too many attractive rapists to not feel freaked out when bowled over by someone's good looks, sad isn't it but it was always worse being raped by someone who I wanted to consent to. Made me feel even more worthless, my feelings of even less consquence. I opened up spam porn by accident that is probably got a lot to do with it to, nothing puts me back like accidently viewed porn.

I dont want to end the day on that note though. Still looking forward to our 1000 page view party, still a good way of but getting there. Still wanting to read other peoples memories or opinions of abuse and see what that brings up then handle writing about it. Feeling gay today, like all the flirting with blokes is faked, its deep programming. oh if only I had someone to share my life with things would be so much better... pish

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