..dear reader..

We do try and write for other people its not like we arnt thinking about them. You. But we are just to little and want our Daddy. We cant remember much Mummies, beyond the ones mentioned and a few others, like Leigh. Its Daddy we have always missed the most until we found out how it feels to miss your own babies when you know they are not loved and safe. It made us wonder how he survived what they did to us. We staying little. One of those oh we are taking a day off days and that's fine. This is a crying all the time little state so we gonna try hold on to it. I don't know how long she was seeing Elaine for. I think but in don't know cause we were awful state during the last phone call that she said she wasn't going to stop supporting Elaine when we cried because she is sounded so much like her and that's soo triggering of course. Trying victims that they are supporting their abusers, not even attempting a safe space. We worried a lot about shrinks safety with all ...

I'm actually feeling OK. We wanted to tell you because we know mostly we are not and really far from it. Have started sending him to his room an hour early on Sundays to give us back the time taken off us on Saturdays.. Makes a big deference for a little thing. An hour more of having no screen related dramas. He told me I always do that when we said he couldn't watch until the end of the video. We never do that except before school. Forced him outside into the garden for a little while to pick weeds and to ease our conscience over all the time he spends indoors. He often gets into whatever it is when we force him to do something after the denial and the bargaining. He said at tea he wanted to be sciencey witch. He was thinking Minecraft potions but we loved it anyway.  You can see he likes being helpful. He made himself weetabix for supper then put the bowl next to the sink (space there makes it easier for him of course) and he objected when we took the bin in after saying it ...

The bunk bed has to go its really unsafe, it was put together by Laura in a state someone's husband fixed it enough that it hasn't caused any deaths or injuries so far, dude has never liked it and I need to move it to paint anyway. We have no doubt it we will be fabulous once its finished but there is already so much tears and exhaustion. True, once all the furniture is out and we can actually beautify it will be much more fun than it is at the moment. Which involves a lot of standing and staring at things that need to be done and fearing how much how it will physically take from us to do it. All those big bits of wood will have to be unscrewed from all those other bits of wood and taken to the curd along with one of the mattresses and various other bits of furniture. New stuff has to be bought. The house needs to run and his basic needs need to met while all this and the sorting of the room is going on when its not exactly something we already have the hang of. Time manage...

Hi Daddy, Its gone not too bad today. Got the lad in. As we often do we stay in bed and go back to bed for as long as possible before we have to leave. We are not quite has horrible because of the depression in the morning but we still get pretty nasty. The nights before arent good we are anxious, weepy and irritable. Made the full week. With only one significant lateness because waking up is so horrible that we are still often crying as soon as we get up and try to do anything. If we decide he will be a bit late we can drink tea and smoke until it settles enough so we can take him in then come home to cry some more. When we got in today we watched some Frasier, probably went on twitter and got triggered. We have lost any tolerance for bias and binaries so the telly and twitter are out for any other than blasts of something we already know and know what to prepare for.. We would love to get wrapped up in something but we just can't find a way in. Brooklyn 99 is quite fabulous bu...

Its done. After a year and half we have applied for his free school meals. We couldn't do it last summer. Couldn't do very much last summer when it came to building a life here and not much better now. An online form we won't need to hand in evidence anymore the check their own files to see that your are receiving benefits. So much anxiety over it. We have paid the £1.90 everyday he went in rather than deal with. Are they really going to take 30 a week of us. The disgusting inhuman filth. It reinforces the message that we shouldn't have any kind comfort. That's for proper people who do what they are told are just lie all the time. We were unrealistic to think that Margo's mum wouldn't said us a happy birthday granddaughter card, with yes you know how much in it - 30.. Her son phoned twice today once to ask for the house number to deliver the card and again to say she has moved homes to a permanent one. Tonnes of anxiety and tears over what all that brought ...

We talked about them with Dr Jacqui, told her how he was the only warmth and then he went cold to. Told her that because we didn't want to forget it all we would repeat anything we managed to form in our head over and over, it's used in programming when they want you to remember something completely out of context. We were worried that because we might of repeated the same word or phrases about the baby being the only warmth it made it less believable. She reassured us on that. We were seeing a man taking a baby out of arms when we couldn't do anything but pretend to be a asleep he suffocated her and then put her back in our arms. The ring members would then punish us for the death of the baby. Not that we noticed. We wouldnt be able to stop thinking about the baby and how there was nothing these people couldnt do to another. Of course our eyes were closed the second time after we woke up and sat up said something like "No" the first time. We were going to try an...

The family photos from the eighties. There was always spooks around with equipment and authority. Bullying the adults. Treating all the children like objects to placed, moved around and manipulated. The hate for us seemed to be worse. They looked right at us with it pouring out of there eyes when other kids presence was only even recognised when necessary. The verbal and physical abuse from them was worse to. Everyone else usually just looked away. Are we remembering Bills dad getting out of his seat and trying to stop it. Shouting at them and trying to physically protect us. Not for long of course they just took him down, another time when they organised it better and tried to attack them together? Had they been told to do it by another bunch of abusers who may or may not of been working with the first. They didn't want us being able to identify each other. They wanted us to never know is when we had dissociated out of our skin and was watching from the other side of the room or ...

There's not mum & dad there are mothers and fathers the education and the love is amazing and no BS so they were very serious. Then there's hell and trafficking and running away and then Italy for a while but trouble is never far. Is it through that US agencies become involved. Some time in states with us shouting at them and them scrabbling around not knowing what the fuck to do. Were dummies reintroduced? They got DID ppl in? Bad states find out. Hell. Trafficked. Scotland. Getting out for a while. Wars and stuff, touring but always back here one way or another and then trafficked. Hormone injections and pregnancies. Trafficked. Fighting. Til now. Are vaguely getting there?

Not sure how far with got with this before. Don't know if we even attempt to allude to it in anyway here before. It might of been in one of the posts we deleted before publishing because we couldn't take the punishment. Maybe we have written about it here before things got really bad again and it was one of the excuses given. 1985. As in that's the year the flesh was born. More or less believe we were born from a human woman and not decanted. There are some excellent stories in there but so much of it feels to life affirming to be the truth. 1985. Just feels to awful to not be the truth. What's the protocol for this again? Just let it sit with us. Don't have to fight of memories from a life born much earlier. We know that's what they did. Do. Different trying to get your head around it happening to you. 198 fucking 5. As with everything else if its a pink screaming fact or the history of a part that we have to bring to the front for a while to untangle let...

Breathe in confidence in ourself and our completeness. Breathe out how it feels to be a child that is locked up for constant abuse. Breathe in the love we have known in seconds that washed away months of horror. Breathe out having made up to hurt us medical records that say we are years older and than we are. Breathe in each tiny and huge step away from torture. Breathe out believing its all we will know now. In and out of triggered states and tears lots today but there has been moments that were brighter like when our period started and hormones shifted. Played lots of SuperMario. We woke up junior after we turned off the alarm clock that makes nature and other relaxing sounds at an ear splitting volume and neither of us even know if its even possible to turn it down. We were awake anyway because we drank too much red wine the night before and couldn't sleep. He came in to out bed and we felt so cosy with him there and so awful at thoughts of taking him to school and not tak...

We can't take Superboy to school today. We can't manage it he's playing pikmin and telling us lots and lots about it. We can't manage all the memories and doing all the stuff parents are supposed to do. We thinking about all the reasons why it's so hard getting him to school to try and see what we can do something about - ALL our other children were killed or taken away, schools arnt safe is people are determined to make them not so, Dundee - abusers threatening us for putting him in and for not putting him in, abusers trying to take him from school and us being told to not pick him up, all the hate & prejudices kids pick up in schools, us feeling to little to deal with anything small or life threatening that might come up, the way his cousin attacked him, the fact that police have been involved in raping me and him and keeping us in danger. That and our experiences of primary school teachers involved with the rings and attacks from and between other kids are a...

He's gone. We don't see us agreeing to him coming back. We did think about not phoning him when Margo died but we knew he would get in touch sooner or later and we would have to tell him and he would company for the lad and practical help for us but that's always been undermined because his refusal to recognise how abusive the family is. We don't want to spend any longer telling parts of us that 'he's not that bad' to try and calm their fears at the same time as having to rile up others because we feel intimated by how confident he seems to be when he dismisses our experiences, our existence. It was when he brought up that the lad had been asking about getting in touch with his cousins, when he wanted to know more about who knew what about Margos heart and the instantly defending Margo's brother over making a complaint that the triggers starting getting particularly unbearable. Talked a bit this evening with the lad about why we don't want to make ...

We read that smoking makes cats twice as likely to get cancer and feel like breaking down because we are killing the few living creatures we have left. We can't see any replacement crutches though. None that we can reach and we are on our arse enough as it is. Pain is nasty recently. There's no moving forward and getting bits and pieces done anymore.  Its February though. Never a time to be punishing ourself.  Just make more tea, take the rubbish out if possible and go back to bed. Buying new bedding was something we did not long after Margo died. It seemed connected in someway. She was in her bed when we found her, teeth all disjointed from the last struggle we guess and the scene hung over us maybe the new duvet, duvet cover and pillows are partly us trying to shake that off. One of the first things we remember thinking was how we couldn't deal another death and needed a break. We can't get away so a comfier bed will have to do. We put the duvet that its too high a ...

"The adults are playing dress up again. You probably want to hide." "Their so stupid I will never be like that." The other three agreed. I tried not to know so much that they probably wouldn't because they would be dead. "Whoes in charge of the games?" It made a big difference to what would happen, who to and how easy or impossible it would be to run or hide. Some kids were legends for running and just not stopping until they dropped and that could be days. The twins had a book. It was horrific and it terrified us for good reason it was about using torture to control someone, about creating and modifying DID. They boasted that there was hardly any in print anywhere. It looked like a normal oldish hardcover thick book. They left it lying around because I let them think I was to scared to go near it never mind touch it and that was only partly true. We threw it in the open fire, I think we might of poured fluid for Bills zippo onto to we didn't ...

It just hurts today. Pain has been getting to us more, we are so easily startled, very irritable and am never far from crying. Wish dude didnt have such a blanket over everything we know he needs some of it we just wish we had someone to talk to. We are still trying to run on empty. Each new part or group of parts comes forward with so much weight there is no point in getting up again. When they had us based in Skene and they stopped us from talking to you it was the only thing we lived for and gave us any hope. Then uni of course making sure we didnt forget it. So much abuse we feel inhuman because it. Just too much. Just like they planned. How it feels to be working on something good and then we go back to it but cant do it anymore its too complicated and we feel too weak and we can never go back to it because they just keep getting us and we have too much DID. We dont want you to see how much that hurts. We are too proud maybe to. We are so angry and we cant see how that will e...

Hi Peely wally dad, Christ. Like we say once we start letting go of knowing who we are and the lines that were pushed the longest have been acknowledged it becomes possible to start feeling out the contents and the cracks in our head better. We are in a remembering you phase. Beats remembering abusers considerably. How are you? We don't know what your up to and as usual am not going to google you either. We do love you. Not up to looking at how much you're mind us been put on hold by all the shittiness and its so hard to try and look forward without fear but that's the injuries and they are healing. We know you always tell us not to be scared and believe in us even though you knew what was being done, as our first choice as birthing partner/ midwife no one can say you don't know stuff. Lots of the Dream Team horrificness was aimed at controlling us and others after Margo died. Of course some of us are scared the scene that was programming them and their associates ar...

Hello. Husband. Of the living and non gay kind. But hi! To all living gay ones to & brothers & sisters. School runs still take so much out of us. There's that sense that whenever he is there we need to watch ourselves very carefully, even more than normal. There are just so many layers of triggers on triggers, from the duty and expectation to get out of bed and leave the house in all weathers when we didn't choose and the promises of safety and equality are impossible for anyone to live up to. It highlights the isolation and how exhausted we are. We are scared about the ways he won't fit in and scared that he will and feel at home here when we never will. We have learned over and over we don't have a voice when it comes to serious stuff and it doesn't matter what we say or who we say it to traffickers and their associates face little or no consequences. Formal investigations go nowhere but we know there is plenty evidence. Obviously. Its all about getting...

  Hi Dad, Its obviously the kind of thing we have always been very against but Christ we are sorry about that blonde terror magnet you've got prancing around over there at the moment... and as for Trump.. We know a glimpse at UK politics and you feel the same for us. All the utterly groundless talk sentencing millions to generations of misery.  Margo's death in December pushed back the friendly chat about getting us into work to March I think the DWP said.. It has crossed our mind but it wasn't til after we read the fuck anxiety book that actually the googling of PTSD therapist in Edinburgh happened. Train station is close to here its a short journey on the train, cheap if we ever get round to getting our travel pass sorted. Council Offices Dad. Alone. Or with a child. We feel like we are a character in a horrendous totalitarian distopian (been here with that fucking word for about 10mins. 5ish with the one before) novel before we step in the places. The bus would be fr...