February 11, 2016

Just

We read that smoking makes cats twice as likely to get cancer and feel like breaking down because we are killing the few living creatures we have left. We can't see any replacement crutches though. None that we can reach and we are on our arse enough as it is.

Pain is nasty recently. There's no moving forward and getting bits and pieces done anymore.  Its February though. Never a time to be punishing ourself.  Just make more tea, take the rubbish out if possible and go back to bed. Buying new bedding was something we did not long after Margo died. It seemed connected in someway. She was in her bed when we found her, teeth all disjointed from the last struggle we guess and the scene hung over us maybe the new duvet, duvet cover and pillows are partly us trying to shake that off. One of the first things we remember thinking was how we couldn't deal another death and needed a break.

We can't get away so a comfier bed will have to do. We put the duvet that its too high a tog for our indoor sleeping temp underneath and the new one with the vintage pink cover on top. We are sleeping, weeping and hurting between two layers of down. There's triggers of course in material comfort but thats been pushed as an excuse to deny needs and wants. Its positive we are doing more work on that guilt some of us feel that every second we spend not naked and starving we are taking from someone else, someone worthier, humaner.

This flesh doesn't deserve anything but nakedness, coldness, hunger and rape. We don't now how many months or years when its added together that we spent locked up in rooms or houses in conditions like that. Or how to see never mind address what that has done to us. We act like a little self conscious girl who is desperate to please around people and we hate it but can't motivate ourselves to do anything about it because we don't think there is enough to gain.

People suck.

We never included you in that.