February 26, 2016

Home, home, home.

Hi Daddy,

Its gone not too bad today. Got the lad in. As we often do we stay in bed and go back to bed for as long as possible before we have to leave. We are not quite has horrible because of the depression in the morning but we still get pretty nasty. The nights before arent good we are anxious, weepy and irritable. Made the full week. With only one significant lateness because waking up is so horrible that we are still often crying as soon as we get up and try to do anything. If we decide he will be a bit late we can drink tea and smoke until it settles enough so we can take him in then come home to cry some more.

When we got in today we watched some Frasier, probably went on twitter and got triggered. We have lost any tolerance for bias and binaries so the telly and twitter are out for any other than blasts of something we already know and know what to prepare for.. We would love to get wrapped up in something but we just can't find a way in. Brooklyn 99 is quite fabulous but its half our shows and we are up to date so what fucking use is that? We did get off the couch and start emptying dude's room. There was a fair bit of heavy lifting and when we got hungry after the school run we made food and then ate the food. Bacon tomato pasta. Third day of pasta based meal. Will need something alternative tomorrow. Possible curry we have a few pastes that need something else but they are always tasty and the boy eats them we still put butter in his rice to make sure though.

Gave most of the money left away for more hash. We were hardly going to say no.  When we were vacuuming up cat hair we caught ourself thinking I'm fine, see we are doing housework so we must be OK and maybe we don't need antidepressants. We just need to keep busy.. We will go back on them. It's the gabapentin that's getting us functioning and only sometimes. Its not something we thought at any point yesterday. When we are really struggling and he's nattering and nattering away and we can't keep up with any of it we feel so guilty form wishing he would shush or just talk slower. Particularly when its on the walk to and from school and there are lots of people and kids and traffic and its cold and we don't feel safe. Its horribly overwhelming.

We get so pissed that everything comes down to us. He does get into the habit of doing stuff for himself but he's eight so there is going to be battles. He will heat up our hot thing for us and that is very much appreciated.

Going through all the unwrapping memories is too much on our own. How could we of survived it all? How can we possibly survive the remembering on our own and not just end up splitting again? How can the rest of us start again?

Miss everyone Dad. I'm sorry we never sound much happier. We are homemaking here whilst hoping for change and that is much better than just constantly feeling that we couldn't cope with us never mind childcare and moving furniture. We feel closer to you and are remembering bits about the loon. Daniel. Don't stop holding our hand. Not ever.

Gotta drink a toast to our departed mutual friend. Scania. Not insignificant. But it is under the insult to injury that are British Inquires. Your not gonna be seeing his mug and his arms round so many folk over there. You have Trump. Lol. Sorry.. How can all this actually be maintained going forward system is so fucked. I don't even want to watch the infighting and the collapses it all represents too much starvation and rape we just want out. Away far far away. You would say we can't of course but you would understand where its coming from. I hate this. All memories, everything we have every been known and done gets blocked out by their limp and going cold little bodies the looks on the faces of the murders and the noises. Where do we take this? How do ever feel ok and not scared of all people?

We love. You love us. There is not one of us that ever believed or trusted any bloke that ever stole from you. And the parts of us that were slow in seeing or believing it was possible that you could feel the same about us are sorry.

It is occurring we can let our accents slip and slide a bit more. When we are feeling brave.