February 25, 2016

30

Its done. After a year and half we have applied for his free school meals. We couldn't do it last summer. Couldn't do very much last summer when it came to building a life here and not much better now. An online form we won't need to hand in evidence anymore the check their own files to see that your are receiving benefits. So much anxiety over it. We have paid the £1.90 everyday he went in rather than deal with.

Are they really going to take 30 a week of us. The disgusting inhuman filth. It reinforces the message that we shouldn't have any kind comfort. That's for proper people who do what they are told are just lie all the time. We were unrealistic to think that Margo's mum wouldn't said us a happy birthday granddaughter card, with yes you know how much in it - 30.. Her son phoned twice today once to ask for the house number to deliver the card and again to say she has moved homes to a permanent one. Tonnes of anxiety and tears over what all that brought up. We were curt. Even if all the memories we have of him being significant in the abuse are manipulated or false there is nothing positive to be gained from speaking to him.

I'm not Louise. They took her away.

We will write a thank you note Gran maybe if we can manage that. We don't see us going in to see her though. It will not help our health. We really just don't know how to be. We have been triggering ourself intentionally by watching Hoarders to remind ourself of some of the conditions we have been kept in we can't hold both worlds in mind. We don't believe the memories we have of us spending happy normal times when grandparents there is to much weirdness and lies around it all.

The commitment to get him into school more has so fucked with our sleep. Which fucks with everything else. We don't want to loose him to Scottish fiction and we know its just the PTSD and the depression taking when we feel we already have. We have lost so much time but the more we really engage in being a parent the more we feel the loss of all the others. And just want all the ones that wouldn't be violent here now even though we know thats impossible. Some are still small. Some are older and really good at looking after me. We learned how to look after each other as siblings during the times they left us alone. We learned what each and other and each others parts needed and when they have us apart its each other that we need most.

We binned the your a wonderful granddaughter birthday card. We don't want the lad seeing it. The rest of the family haven't sent anything in years so we are grateful for that.

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