February 01, 2016

Miss you

 Hi Dad,

Its obviously the kind of thing we have always been very against but Christ we are sorry about that blonde terror magnet you've got prancing around over there at the moment... and as for Trump..

We know a glimpse at UK politics and you feel the same for us. All the utterly groundless talk sentencing millions to generations of misery.  Margo's death in December pushed back the friendly chat about getting us into work to March I think the DWP said..

It has crossed our mind but it wasn't til after we read the fuck anxiety book that actually the googling of PTSD therapist in Edinburgh happened. Train station is close to here its a short journey on the train, cheap if we ever get round to getting our travel pass sorted. Council Offices Dad. Alone. Or with a child. We feel like we are a character in a horrendous totalitarian distopian (been here with that fucking word for about 10mins. 5ish with the one before) novel before we step in the places. The bus would be free with the pass but it would take forever and I hate them. All of them.

After Dundee though and the way things have always been we feel a lot like we would just be walking into more of the same. Its the same as before we know it will already be rigged to hurt us but there has to be times when its OK and good or we wouldn't show at all so we choose to take what we can get. Fucking with our need for an environment where we can be out with someone and for it to be safe even for a little while. 

Not sure if we should be going into it with that kind of attitude.  Head down but muscles ready to pump up at a moments notice. Constantly scanning our own mind computer like to see whats safest to push forward and what needs to be stamped down so there is no trace of it all.

We're able to take it easier when some of us want to start looking at whats actually there. Not so angry about how much we were physically kept from everything we love. It's there of course but not so debilitating.  Same with when we look at post grad stuff. Lots of home learning available, amazing degrees. Without Margo and the kids and everyone else we don't feel so tied. Not that we have any of the means to move as things are and we arnt fit yet still, to feel things are possible again.

Knowing there's stuff we are interested in out there helps. We don't have nothing to build a life on here but its still heart breaking all these unfinished sentences. All the internal and external bairns screaming for hugs from each other that this flesh can't provide because its screaming so much to.  Whilst knowing we know everything have spoken about everything and recorded everything twice.

Bastards. Doesn't matter if the keys are broken.

It's not it all as ceased to exist in physical or any other form though and us feeling like it might as well be is the trauma talking. Catastrophising is common with people who have anxiety problems and it does help settle us to think that if someone has have survived lots of catastrophes then no wonder they expect the absolute worst as every outcome. We have been dragged along by our emotions for so long because the intellect is either completely detached or just not there. All those brain pathways that abusers tried to force on us or forced us through again and again. We know we worked hard to build alternative ones but there was only so much we could do. The big little man is here and generally being wonderful. We are just beginning to breathe and get our senses back. Slowly.

The book is by Robert Duff by the way Dad it did make us laugh and give really solid basic info, the guy seems really likable once you get past the caveman part..

Don't have a name so leave me alone!

And everyone.