February 28, 2016

I dont need to know its 6 am child.

The bunk bed has to go its really unsafe, it was put together by Laura in a state someone's husband fixed it enough that it hasn't caused any deaths or injuries so far, dude has never liked it and I need to move it to paint anyway. We have no doubt it we will be fabulous once its finished but there is already so much tears and exhaustion. True, once all the furniture is out and we can actually beautify it will be much more fun than it is at the moment. Which involves a lot of standing and staring at things that need to be done and fearing how much how it will physically take from us to do it.

All those big bits of wood will have to be unscrewed from all those other bits of wood and taken to the curd along with one of the mattresses and various other bits of furniture. New stuff has to be bought. The house needs to run and his basic needs need to met while all this and the sorting of the room is going on when its not exactly something we already have the hang of.

Time management, motivation, organising all the domestic stuff & keeping it clean, impulse control, regular eating, taking meds properly, self care it's all a fucking struggle all the fucking time. Today we have moved furniture from the front door to the shed, scrubbed down some of the grim, made the emotional breakthrough in regards to the awful bunkbeds (they in that room like that are in horrifically applauding footage & abusers are free), we are in habit now of washing a few dishes or clothes whenever we make cups of tea so a bit of that to and have eaten one chocolate hobnob and are breaking our heart at how exhausted we feel so often..

We are doing really well you would say. We always needed you to believe this isn't forever when we can't like we believed when you couldn't. It feels like its forever that's part of it. Look at the change that has already happened and don't own the hopelessness.

How do we get ourself to look after ourself and dude properly we don't know anything about this sort of life. Its never what we had. Its so difficult to maintain a sense of the real connections with people. Its not forever. How could it be? And people are working out there to stop this. We have achieved amazing things and will do again. Like sorting the room out like we sorted out this room 99% by our self. Obviously the furniture to curb bit is going to require physical assistance from humans/s but the delivery boy would help if he can as would the lass across the road.

The whole thing with every child they took away from us being a part of is so real daddy. You know.

Lex xx
And Julia if you need to know she's here she still doesn't really think of herself as a person with a name though. We think we have made progress but she has just made us help another one us which isnt wrong its just that we really need her to feel less alone and she can't because we are.
It was hard for you and others to get some of us to say that you love us, me and she was created and kept so far from you and everyone who is good for us. Godam shrink falling for abuse ring bullshit the difference she could of made to us in those early months by giving us so little more.

Total surveillance, maximum violence, total control. :-(

OK we will try and eat another hobnob and make more tea and maybe nap and definitely not get out the Allen keys and start on the big heavy wooden bunk bed.

Not forever.