February 16, 2016

The perfect time to binge on other people unloading all their garbage

He's gone. We don't see us agreeing to him coming back. We did think about not phoning him when Margo died but we knew he would get in touch sooner or later and we would have to tell him and he would company for the lad and practical help for us but that's always been undermined because his refusal to recognise how abusive the family is. We don't want to spend any longer telling parts of us that 'he's not that bad' to try and calm their fears at the same time as having to rile up others because we feel intimated by how confident he seems to be when he dismisses our experiences, our existence.

It was when he brought up that the lad had been asking about getting in touch with his cousins, when he wanted to know more about who knew what about Margos heart and the instantly defending Margo's brother over making a complaint that the triggers starting getting particularly unbearable.

Talked a bit this evening with the lad about why we don't want to make more effort to find a number that someone up their will answer so he can talk to his wee cousins. He seemed to respond to us saying we need a new start. We also talked about it not working if we are only ones making and effort to stay in touch, talked about the adults being not safe for us to be around used those words as we have often. "Not our family" because there is not enough love and respect and safety was also said again and that of course that we wished we could keep in touch with the kids but its just not possible but that he will see them again although we are not so sure. Mummy's health takes a nose dive around adults who have hurt and let others hurt her. We didn't say that but not all that far from it either.

Said the same to N to but much more dissociated just like we did when they had us in that forced front relationship in the late nineties but he knows nothing about any of all that and certainly would remember if it were true.. My life cant begin when we are still in contact with them. Obviously we haven't mentioned to the lad that he's lost N to. We know its possible for us to spend time with people without ending up all broken and even if we never get near any of them again we would rather the brain splitting loneliness than the soul splitting horror of someone saying they are your friend while siding with your abusers and you're children's abusers.

Been watching a lot of hoarders..