February 04, 2016

February 2016. Goodness.

Hello.
Husband.
Of the living and non gay kind. But hi! To all living gay ones to & brothers & sisters.

School runs still take so much out of us. There's that sense that whenever he is there we need to watch ourselves very carefully, even more than normal. There are just so many layers of triggers on triggers, from the duty and expectation to get out of bed and leave the house in all weathers when we didn't choose and the promises of safety and equality are impossible for anyone to live up to. It highlights the isolation and how exhausted we are. We are scared about the ways he won't fit in and scared that he will and feel at home here when we never will. We have learned over and over we don't have a voice when it comes to serious stuff and it doesn't matter what we say or who we say it to traffickers and their associates face little or no consequences. Formal investigations go nowhere but we know there is plenty evidence. Obviously. Its all about getting people to appease then destroying morale. Same as ever.

Thinking about you a lot. How you woke up to "Rosa" interviewing you. Sign here Sir. Can't remember much about ceremony or eating or anything but we seem to remember more about times when it was just us. When the I we walked into Lochee and got questioned about getting married again in those amnesiac whatever states that the rest of us rely on and trust so much.. We only came out with a first name but Scuff came up with the second and gave a really good impression of not being happy about it after we confirmed, couldn't stop smiling and thanked them both because they didn't normally trigger us in that sort of a way.

We are trying to remember how it feels to know everything just isn't all over because the bad and stupid people have decided that is what is to happened for ever. 

All the lives being lived in various hells we know how every day is a world lost.

Where you at anyway?

Useless Pratt. There is no danger of us losing it to the point of heading over the bridge. Thinking about heading over a bridge to the burgh though but not to the extent of doing anything about it.  After so long being forced or forcing ourself into being out there alone when we weren't fit we still have a tools down type situation. I've no idea what happens next with all the programs and the prior commitments. Conversations with PsychoSis are always triggering certainly not any less so when she is sounding like someone who isn't capable of unbelievable horribleness towards us but the shit about Uncle Billy making a BS complaint to the NHS about Margo was bringing up Margo telling me that Billy had said that he was going to do that when to her, when she was alive, to her face. 

You can't think of these people as a family or even as people in the sense that you are we would be told. Their lives, their minds their words are not their own in very literal ways. We would go off in search of humanity and get ourself burned. We knew some were trying to encourage us to protect ourself emotionally and every other way, to stop us from trying to find safety, love or empathy where there was none. Some where trying to get me to stop looking for any humanity in everyone ever.  It wasn't always clear and not just because the surveillance has everyone pretending to be the opposite of what they are.

It must be killing parts of you. Like it is us. Don't give them anymore parts of you if they arnt going to give you enough back. Don't wait.

Not that we are holding our breath or anything we know we just make shit up to get through it.
Like Rabbie Burns. So cool. 

We love you.

Julia.

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